MM ended it this morning

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2010
MM ended it this morning
2
Fri, 01-22-2010 - 6:42am

I have been lurking on these boards for a while now - trying to do the right thing and end my A but failing. My story is a familiar one - I would describe myself as happily married to a wonderful husband and two wonderful boys and I never thought I would ever have an A. I met my MM when I was away with work 8 months ago, after a night out we ended up together, he lives 200 miles away from me so our A has been mainly by text (which makes it seem even more ridiculous !) - after meeting last June he did come to see me once in July when we had sex and then a brief visit in December when we kissed. At the start it was mad and crazy but exciting we had sex by text and over the phone and it was all new and flattering and it was like a drug - I sent him photos of me in my lingerie and he would tell me how gorgeous and sexy I was and I would tell him how much I wanted him. Typing this I can see how shallow and selfish it was !

Not long after the A started I began to feel bad and tried to pull away but he always talked me round. Then he started feeling guilty and tried to end it at the end of August by saying he was worried he would fall in love with me and scared about what would happen if he did -but he could never quite give me up so I shamelessly pursued him - we seemed to be trapped in a vicious cycle. I wanted it to end but because we had been exchanging fantasies by text for so many months of what we would do when we next met I wanted that final goodbye meeting. The date was set a number of times but his work always got in the way. It was meant to be at the start of next week and I told him not to tell me if he couldn't make it but to just let me turn up and the fact he didn't show would prove to me he was never going to make it - but he did tell me he couldn't make it - yet again another date was agreed. Last night we were texting and I said I knew it had to end and though I wanted my ending if he didn't he should let me know - he had been texting that he wanted me but as part of my addiction it was as if I needed continuous reassurance. This morning he sent me along text saying he didn't think it was a good idea to meet, perhaps we shouldn't do what we wanted to do and though he wanted me he felt too guilty to do it, he was v sorry but he was sure it was the right thing. We have been in this position so many times that I asked if he was sure - he said he was sorry and felt awful but yes. I said he was of course right and though doing the right thing isn't always easy it always the right thing ! And we said goodbye.

That was 3 hours ago and so far I can't bring myself to delete his goodbye text and I am trying v hard not to. cry. I know it is the right thing to do but it just hurts so much !! I know I can't do what I've done before when he's pulled away which is text him to see how he is as otherwise the vicious cycle starts all over again and I am just too exhausted for that. The irony is that even if we were both single we would not be together he is really not my type and the only thing we had in common were our shared fantasies and our guilty secret !

But i am still going to miss him so much I just want to get back to how I was before I started this crazy journey and at this moment that seems impossible. But whilst lurking on these boards I have read many inspirational stories of women who have been having an A for years and managed to move on, I just hope I can do the same.

Thanks for listening and please tell me it gets better !

Movingon2010 x x

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Fri, 01-22-2010 - 7:39am

Movingon,


Welcome to our community. You have come to the right place for understanding and support. Your wound is so freshly inflicted that I'm afraid the real pain is just around the corner, but because you've both been trying to end this for a while, hopefully you will heal quicker.


<<< we seemed to be trapped in a vicious cycle.>>>


This is it exactly and I can soooo relate, thinking back to when I finally ended it for the last time. It's like being pulled into a vortex over and over again. We manage to bob our heads up just high enough to see the truth of our insidious actions, and then we're sucked back down again. That's the addictive nature of affairs; knowing what we are doing is wrong but wanting/needing another fix just to get through the day. Now it's all going to be turned around. Now you will be struggling for air just to get through another day. Ending an A is a hard road to travel but in time you will see it was the ONLY road out of darkness and back into the light.


<>


You are right, my friend. No more sucking him back in. It's reality time, which means the party is over and it's time to go home. The difference now is that we are here to help you stay on the road to healing, so please read all that you can, especially the healing library if you haven't already. You said you've been lurking for a while, so I am going to assume you are already somewhat knowledgeable in what happens from here on. Remember that NC=No new hurts, and if perchance your XMM has a weak moment and contacts you again, you need to step up to the plate and ignore him. You know the drill so I won't go into "block and walk" now. First you have to let what just happened seep in and then you can start taking the steps to warrant protection against yourself. By this I mean NOT letting the cycle restart again.


Again, welcome and be strong, Moving. You can do this because truthfully, your future happiness depends on it.


(((Hugs)))

~ Iddy~

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2010
Fri, 01-22-2010 - 8:54am

Iddy

Thanks so much for your warm welcome though it did bring tears to my eyes. I am in a different time zone to you and currently at work and blaming my constant sniffling on a bad cold !

Everything you say is so true. I just so wanted a final farewell meeting as I had been waiting for it for so long ! But who am I kidding - either it would have been a huge let down in which case I would wonder what I risked everything for or it would have felt great at the time which would mean we would want to do it again and that would make ending it even harder. This really is for the best.

I am hoping the fact I have finally posted on here means this time I will be strong. The longest NC I managed before was 7 days and then I texted him how miserable I was and sure enough he texted back that he missed me too and then it started all over again .....

This time when I get itchy fingers and pick up my phone I am going to post on here instead, I don't want to go back. My xMM is not even gorgeous or that interesting he is nothing compared to my H which is why it is even more stupid. However he is a decent man trying to do the right thing so I also know if I feel anything at all for him then NC is the way to demonstrate that,

I am lucky he lives miles away so I will never bump in to him, I just need to get him out of my head.

Thanks again

Movingon x x x