MM needs Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
MM needs Help
24
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 11:30am
Hello, first time ever on a message board. I have no one to turn to and am really confused and sad. Long story and made short, I am MM (8 years) with 3 children, never had an affair or even thought about one on until it happened last year with a younger women (she is 25 and I, 40). She happened to be a friend for over 8 years, co-worker and at times my employee.

The affair lasted 14 months and now it is over. I love her with all my heart and trying to stay away from her in a romantic way. My heart tells me to leave my world, house, pool, car, wife, friends, etc and move in with her. My brain, experience and faith tell me otherwise. Deep down I know that this relationship may work for a short time, but once the honeymoon is over; my world will be in a disaster. I need help to follow my brain, as my heart is hurting so much. Please help, I am so confused and heading toward depression not to mention losing everything I truly love.

The story:

For years, I felt a strong bond with this young person (in her mid-twenties). I was her mentor and her success was very important to me. I never had any feeling towards her except one of friendship, compassion, and possibly one of endearment as an older brother. Honestly, I never found her to be attractive nor did I consider her in a romantic fashion or in a sexual way. Those lines were never crossed.

Last year while working, a co-worker told me that my employee/friend was very pretty and made many people in our corporate environment wanting her. Quoting him, “she is so hot and what a body, everyone wants to bang her”. That same day while reflecting, I glance at her “my so-called friend” with different eyes. This little girl who I had helped through the years has matured and become one beautiful & attractive woman!!

Even through these new perceptive eyes, she was not my type of woman and I was happily married to my beautiful wife and best friend. In addition, I was always very strong with my morals and ethics. Many women have hit on me, yet I never paid any attention or crossed that forbidden line.

This day nothing occurred except that for the first time ever, I her mentor and friend happened to look at her differently, “she looked very nice”. During the same time frame, she was having issues with her boy friend and like I had always done before, I provided her with advice and even tried to get to get her back with the guy. I really thought this guy was good for her!!

Months went by and nothing occurred with our relationship. Finally, while attending a business trip one evening a beautiful married woman attending the same seminar asked me out for drinks and later invited me to her room for a night of passion. I did accept the dinner and drink invitation. Although tempted, I refused the night of passion and instead after being intoxicated, I called my friend/employee and told her what occurred.

During the phone conversation as I was drunk and sexually aroused, I informed my friend that I might be attracted to her. She knew I was drunk and told me that I should be careful with what I was saying. I told her that I thought she was always special to me and now I truly believe that I might be in love with her. After a brief pause, we hung up the long distance call after she informed me that if I was to have an affair that it should not be with a stranger but instead with her. The next morning after waking up with a hang over, I could not believe what I did? However, during a break from the seminar I called her to check in at work. She just laughed and gave me an opportunity for an out. She said, “Are you feeling better today?” We laughed and I with a bit of embarrassment told her that I would call her later that night. That evening I phoned her and she asked me if I really meant what I said the night before or was it the alcohol speaking? She said, “If you were drunk and did not mean what you said, I would understand and would dismiss it and never bring it up again”. I had the chance to end here before it started, but instead I told her that the alcohol just permitted me to express my true feelings. I did believe that I loved her. We continued talking for hours that night and began a conversation about sex and what each other liked or did not like, done or have not done. To my surprise, this girl I thought was so innocent, was so sexual and had so many hidden stories of her own sexualities. She told me things about her that made me embarrass and also curious. Boy, I wanted to have crazy sex with her. She told me that she does everything and fully enjoys it. I was so turned on. She was that forbidden fruit that was so ripe and ready to be eaten.

A few days later, the seminar ended and I was heading home. She called me as soon as I arrived and asked me to join her for dinner. I did not want to go, but I did go and the rest is history. From this point in time, we fell in love with one another and became very close to each other despite that we worked together. (I was her boss). A year went by with the most incredible sex, passion and love I had ever felt. She was one of those girls that you love to F but was told never to marry. But, I really fell in love with her and spoke with her about spending the rest of our life together, getting married and having 2-3 children.

Deep down or even with my own ethical insecurities, I knew this was so wrong. Since I have been with her I always felt guilty. Feeling guilty for my actions, I still work late just about 3-4 nights a week. Left my house early, made up stories, found myself always lying to her and my wife. When with her, I was always thinking about my wife and what I would say when I got home. (I always came home) When I was with my wife I was always wondering what she was doing and if she was with someone else. (She was always complaining about her loneness on the weekends and holidays. With so many male friends she had and her cell phone was always ringing, in which she never answered when I was around. Her 10 girl friends she hung out with and/or lived with. All of them had multiple boyfriends that they were sleeping with. Her roommate and best friend, slept with 15 guys when I was around (1yr). More, I would assume when I was not there. Her 3 married friends all were having an affair with multiple guys.) They went out just about every night to clubs, bars and lounges. She was always talking about some of her male friends, and never by name. Guys she met even when we were together. That is why I did not trust her!! Although she said she was a 1 man woman, I was not to sure).

In December, my wife started to question me, on the A and I denied it. Since New Year’s Eve, I promised myself that I would start to focus on my family. My wife, my kids, my parent, my brother, my sisters, and my friends all took a back seat during this turbulent time. We fell in love and I really wanted to leave my world and spent the rest of my life with her. Then, one morning I woke up and said, I really do love this girl but, I can not leave my world and abandon my kids. I told her that maybe someday when the kids are older, I will leave my house, but I can’t now and I really love her, so we have to stop seeing each other in this way. Remember she works for me.

Weeks have gone by and I really love her and am in a lot of pain. I wake-up every morning wondering if I would leave my world for her. I really miss her, but I know that she is not right for me and the pain the I would cost everyone I love and that loves me is to great for me to be and feel so selfish.

I really to love this girl and we could be happy together, she has moved on and started dating and possibly sleeping with other people. She told me that she agreed that our relationship should end and that she would just take it as a learning experience. If I ever, left my house that she would want us to move together. However, as the weeks have past she has moved on with her live and possibly may not even want me. I really love her, although I know what the right thing to do is.

My wife stopped being my lover after we had kids, and we have not had sex in a long time. I love her, but am not sexually attracted to her as I was with the younger woman. The young girl did everything sexually and my wife is very conservative. God I am all screwed up. Please help!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mmneeds
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 12:59pm
Hi MM...

You are in so much pain, but you know that you made the right choice to stay with your W and kids. You even said it yourself - the glow would die off and this girl would NOT make you happy for the rest of your life. Put your energy into fixing your marriage - maybe if you are truly emotionally invested in it (instead of dividing your energies between your W and your OW), things will improve. What is going on with your nonexistant sex life? Did your W start rejecting you, or did you stop asking, or both?

For me, the sex with my XMM was incredible. It was the first time in my life that I felt true physical passion, the first time I didn't think there was something wrong with me for not really enjoying sex that much... And I'm nowhere near as attracted to my H as I was to XMM. And I fell in love with XMM, and thought about leaving my comfy suburban life to be with him (it would be a huge step down, economically, to be with XMM)... I really honestly thought about it, considered tearing my kids lives apart, considered breaking my H's heart... But like you, I knew that in the long run XMM was NOT the right man for me.

I think we have a lot in common. The EMA did not sit well with me, ethically, morally, religiously... it was totally against all I ever thought I believed in. And that caused me immense pain and guilt on top of everything else.

You and I also have in common that we still have love in our marriages. Maybe it's not perfect love, but it is there. There is something to work with - it is not hopeless. If your W loves you, and you love her, then you CAN work to make it better. I suspect that neither of you is truly communicating with the other... I started therapy right after New Years (yet another thing we have in common - I made a resolution to end my EMA and only be with my H in the New Year)... and I have started really trying to talk to my H. To find out what HE wants and needs from me... to tell him more what I want and need from him. We have a long way to go... and I am far from healed and over my XMM. But I know I'm doing the right thing, and that I do love my H, and I have hope that my marriage can be good - much better than it was before... I'm trying to use what I learned in my EMA - about myself and my needs and what was missing - and make my marriage more what I need it to be.

I have very bad days, and some good days... and I still miss XMM... but I believe that I can continue to get over him, and I can devote all that energy to my marriage instead of to XMM... and that in the long run, I will be better off, my marriage and family will be better off...

Good luck, I'm glad you posted here...

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: mmneeds
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 3:20pm
I have a question for you. I love a married man, and he tells me that he genuinely cares for me. I would like your opinion b/c I found your post very moving, and my situation is very similar. I'm 24, and the guy I love is a married 35 year old man who was my trainer at my current job. He has been married for 13 years, and has never strayed. Then he met me. We go out to eat and to the movies. He rents movies and cuddles with me on the couch. He comes here to do his studying for school. He's very affectionate. Sometimes we have sex, and sometimes we don't. He told me that part of him feels that I'm his soul mate. He has only told me he loves me twice, and I never believe him when he tells me. I guess I feel like there's no way he could love me and stay with his wife. Recently, my ex boyfriend tipped his wife off that something was happening between us. Luckily, she did't believe him, but he and I really didn't talk for a few days. Today he called me and wants to see me tomorrow. This man is on the phone with me all day long. He usually sends me a ton of text messages. I want to believe he loves me, but I'm so scared. I figured since you were in the same situation, you could tell me how I would know?

Thank you for your time. I'm interested in hearing how your situation turns out since ours are so similar. If your other woman is anything like me, I'm positive that she still loves you and thinks about you. Even though I will one day have to move on from this man, I will always love him and desire him. I'm sure your girl feels the same way.

Avatar for stre2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mmneeds
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 6:05pm
The difference............

Should NOT be a matter of words but of ACTION. What you (caridad007) have are a lot of words but no action. When we truly love someone, we don't only prove it with words...it's our actions that are the true definition of love.

I don't want to sound harsh but what you (and so many of us) have or had are/were cakemen. Period! Men that will *say* anything to keep us in their lives. These types of men (including mmneeds) are scared to death when it comes to making changes. Regardless if the end result will be good or bad, before they're even willing to give the new relationship a try...they've already convinced themselves that it won't work! They will ALWAYS run back to the security of their wife and family.

When we're involved with a married person or are married ourselves and involved with someone else... it's interesting that we don't fall in love until AFTER we have slept together!

The ONLY *after* affair relationships that stand a chance at being a true relationship are those where quite early in the affair (or BEFORE it happens) the married man (or woman) IS willing to have the balls it takes to admit to themselves that the REASON they had an affair was because their marriage is not what they feel it should be and it does have MAJOR problems. Then, they take the HEALTHY approach to distance themselves from BOTH relationships while doing a lot of extremely deep soul searching as to WHERE their true happiness lies.

Caridad007, I know you didn't direct your post to me but please take it from someone TBTDT... and please stop your willingness to be of secondary importance in this MM's life because when push comes to shove (just like his actions of not talking to you should have showed you) he WILL run back to the wife and family whenever things get just a tiny bit complicated within his relationship with you!

Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: mmneeds
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 6:23pm
It looks like we have a lot in common. I really love the OW and never had sex with her until, I knew I loved her. Do believe your OM, as he appears to be in love with you. I myself, wish I had the guts and the OW had the strength to stay with me during this difficult time. I really did love her and will always will love her. If she was more mature and I a bit stronger by accepting her sexual past and trusting her, I am sure that we would have been successful. I do not know your OM, but you do. Give him a break and the benefit of the doubt and believe him. I know that I did love her and meant it. All her friend and family were telling her to give up on us. She finally did. I am so sad.

I would like to continue to discuss this with you. Please let me know how I can reach you in a confidential manner?

Best of Luck,

The MM in love with the OW.

Avatar for stre2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mmneeds
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 6:28pm
May I ask you a question............

Even though I'm married, something you said bugs me... Why on earth would you be upset that the *single* woman you were involved with slept with other men? The fact that you ARE married, sleeping or able to sleep with your wife 24/7 and 365 days a year... why on earth would this bother you???

Also, you seem to be basing the fact that you already know you and OW could not be happy because of this same fact... I don't get it. If the roles were reversed and you were single while she was married... would you still feel the same way? IMO, you obviously didn't take too much time to truly get to know this OW as it seems she was nothing more to you then a great body to bang!

Personally, I am amazed at how well this OW is taking the ending of your 14 month relationship!

Now that I've taken the opportunity to pounce on you... a few comments about your marriage. When a wife stops being a lover after the kids come along it's a common fact that she's stressed and burned out at both ends from taking care of the kids, H and the entire world!

IMO, you have already made the decision to stay in a UN-fulfilling (to you) marriage so you have one option... TALK to your wife! Tell her what you are lacking... if it's only sex, tell her what you want and how often. You also need to get yourself into counseling because even though you may think that your affair only happened because your wife was NOT into sex...that was not the only reason.

Finally, I'll quote you a Dear Abby reply that recently appeared in her column... If your wife is too tired for sex, helping her around the house and with the children will certainly make her more receptive in the bedroom.

Good luck to you and my apologies in advance for being so direct and harsh.

Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: mmneeds
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 12:38am
MMneeds, you can email me at Caridad007@yahoo.com and we can discuss anything you would like to discuss. I'm sure I can give you your OW's point of view on this situation.

Sherry, I understand exactly what you are saying in regards to actions speak louder than words. Believe me, I have watched for the actions. My most cynical friend actually believes this man does love me. I don't believe him, and I'm not sure if it's b/c I'm scared to, or because I just don't. Even though his wife was tipped off, and we didn't see each other for a few days, he still called me. In retrospect, it was me who was mad at him and was rude to him on the phone. I guess I was a bit resentful, and I really had no reason to be. I guess I was upset that he seemed so concerned with losing the home life he doesn't seem too involved in. Maybe it was the guilt I was feeling over the fact that his wife is so nice to me, and believes in the two of us. But you are right that actions speak louder than words, and I appreciate your honesty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: mmneeds
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 8:26am
Why on earth would you be upset that the *single* woman you were involved with slept with other men?

Sherry, first of all I appreciate your directness and opinion. I did not take it as being pounced on. I will try my best to explain something that is so difficult to clarify and to understand. When I, (MM) F*** a women, do not love her, and is purely physical, I do not care how many men she has been with or she is having sex with. (Except for health reason). I am just happy that I am getting some.

However, when I truly love someone, as it is the case with this OW, the piece of her becomes very symbolic. That sex is no longer physical but it becomes lovemaking. My heart and soul are fully into sharing our bodies as we were one. No selfishness, not two separate people, but one united soul. As crazy as it sounds, I was cheating on my W, but not the OW. I was completely faithful to her and was hoping that she was the same. Many MM having affairs with people they love, stop-having sex with their W. I really loved the OW and her privates became a part of me. We became one.

I tried.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mmneeds
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 8:57am
Hello there and welcome first of all. Secondly, I want you to know I relate well to your story. I too am a MW who ended a affair a month and a half ago with a single OM. He also has begun dating and I understand full well the hurt that corresponds with that. I do realize we have no right to object to it but it does hurt none-the-less...mostly the hurt stems from the fear that he will move on and share the intimacy that was shared and saved only for me for so long. This of course that is what he "should" do!! But we must put that aside. What I have thought alot about is the HUGE mistake I made and how nieve I was. Here I am now with heartache from loss of love from xOM and having to deal with my marriage with a DH who has upfront told me that he is not IN LOVE with me anymore yet still wants to remain together with hopes that those feelings will change. Let me tell ya - REAL HEARTWARMING!!! Anyway my point is ...before I had the affair I had one problem...now I have two!! Another thing is the affair relationship - wow what a fantasy world - so PERFECT! He got to see me at my best and vice versa. *Start thinking about how things would be with XOW when you would start sharing household responsibilites, kids, bills, how your kids would respond to her, how your current wife would respond and another key fact (your wife will ALWAYS be a part of your life as she is the mother of your children) Do you think that xOW would WANT to deal with those issues. I know if I was single... I would seriously be having second thoughts when there are plenty of single unattached man with no baggage out there!!

The whole thing is a fantasy!! WE were not having a REAL relationship- what is real is your wife and your kids at your home. Try and make that work. Communicate with your wife how unhappy you are and that your needs and wants are not being met. Go to therapy. Give it a good year of putting in the EFORT. Now then your wife will not respond (which I think she will) then think about moving on but we have to TRY for our spouses and our children!!

You are in my thoughts and may we both find forgiveness and peace in our lives.

Hugs!!


Racy

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mmneeds
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 9:00am
mmneeds, I just have to ask you some questions. I am a former OW who ended an A with a man I have loved since I was very young.

your idea of being one with this OW is all about sex. You simply cannot be making love with someone when there is the shadow of your W looming in the room with you. Whether you want to admit it or not, it is not love because to truly love someone, you also have to respect them and you can say you respect this OW until the cows come home, but when you allow yourself to be sexual with a woman while you are married to someone else, the fact is you are not respecting yourself, your W or the OW. So it is not REAL love. It is fantasy. Also, if you are so in love with this OW, then why haven't you left your W? You see all the reasons you can come up with in the world are just excuses. This relationship with the OW is doomed because the ability to TRULY trust each other is gone with how you began the relationship. That's first and foremost. The issues of respect and trust for one another aren't there because the OW is free to see ANYONE she wants to including sleeping with them and you are not.

So I am going to provide you with a solution to your dilemma. The ONLY way to fix this issue is for you to realize this A has been based in fantasy and has put you in a position of living a very unhealthy lifestyle because you cannot continue to live two lives. Your answer is to stop it all. Take a personal inventory of what is truly important to you and then ACT appropriately. If you are so unhappy in your marriage and you've exhausted all attempts at fixing what ails it, then separate and file for divorce. If you haven't tried like you should, then attempt to rebuild your marriage. But to put a another woman in the position of loving you when you are not available for her is showing her that you are a coward for change. You need to find the strength and courage to move on with your life in one direction, the right one for you. What you are participating in is not love because it is not at all fair to the OW in your life, nor is it fair to your W. When did you determine that it was okay for you to begin a new relationship with someone else BEFORE dealing with the one you are currently in?

If you want ANYTHING to work out with either of these two women, then MAKE A DECISION. Sitting on the fence and playing both sides of it is as selfish and immature as an individual is capable of being. I would also highly recommend you get into some counseling to find out why you would choose to be married and gamble with losing everything in your marriage because you are not sexually fulfilled. Sex is a huge part of marriage and your W is also responsible for not having a healthy sex life. So either you can fix it or you can't. Love is either alive or dead. There are NOT two ways about it. And until you get a grasp on that fact, you are going to continue to hurt yourself and those you claim to love. Personally, when a person does this, I feel there is a lot for the one who cheats to learn about what true love really is. The MM in my life, being NO EXCEPTION.

Take care and good luck to you. If you feel my post was harsh too, I'm very sorry. But you can only fight truth for so long and eventually it will bite you in the butt.

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mmneeds
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 12:26pm
I am 27 years old and have been having an affair with my co-worker/boss since I was 24 years old (We have known each other since I was 18 & working for him part time). He gets upset when I hang out with my friends all night and especially my guy friends...meanwhile he is at home with his WIFE. You stated that you wish you had the guts and the OW had the strength to stay with you during this difficult time. I just wanted to say that I wish I had the stregth to get out of this for good and do what your OW is doing...getting on with HER life. I love him with everything I have and believe he honestly loves me but the FACT is he is married. I congradulate your OW for moving on with her life and I hope that you will respect the fact that she is single and you are still married no matter how much in love you are, that does not change things. My MM says he doesnt love his wife anymore but they have a young son and he can't be selfish anymore; well you know what, then he needs to leave me alone and do everything and anything to work out things with his family. Now he has moved out, told his wife about me and wants to be with me but says he can't divorce his wife yet because he doesnt want to hurt his kids ...that's not enough for me anymore, not until he shows me his divorce is final. Will I wait for him to decide what he wants to do? I don't know if I will...but I pray to God everyday that I will not be stupid enough to wait another day for him. I don't post here much but your situation sounds so much like mine that it surprised me...my MM also took me under his wing and thought me everything about this business, I really looked up to him. When my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, MM & I started spending even more time together at work, he would give me advice on dating guys even! We really fell in love with each other,but sometimes I wish I could go back to him being a mentor & friend and nothing else...

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