MM needs Help
Find a Conversation
|Sun, 03-30-2003 - 11:30am|
The affair lasted 14 months and now it is over. I love her with all my heart and trying to stay away from her in a romantic way. My heart tells me to leave my world, house, pool, car, wife, friends, etc and move in with her. My brain, experience and faith tell me otherwise. Deep down I know that this relationship may work for a short time, but once the honeymoon is over; my world will be in a disaster. I need help to follow my brain, as my heart is hurting so much. Please help, I am so confused and heading toward depression not to mention losing everything I truly love.
For years, I felt a strong bond with this young person (in her mid-twenties). I was her mentor and her success was very important to me. I never had any feeling towards her except one of friendship, compassion, and possibly one of endearment as an older brother. Honestly, I never found her to be attractive nor did I consider her in a romantic fashion or in a sexual way. Those lines were never crossed.
Last year while working, a co-worker told me that my employee/friend was very pretty and made many people in our corporate environment wanting her. Quoting him, “she is so hot and what a body, everyone wants to bang her”. That same day while reflecting, I glance at her “my so-called friend” with different eyes. This little girl who I had helped through the years has matured and become one beautiful & attractive woman!!
Even through these new perceptive eyes, she was not my type of woman and I was happily married to my beautiful wife and best friend. In addition, I was always very strong with my morals and ethics. Many women have hit on me, yet I never paid any attention or crossed that forbidden line.
This day nothing occurred except that for the first time ever, I her mentor and friend happened to look at her differently, “she looked very nice”. During the same time frame, she was having issues with her boy friend and like I had always done before, I provided her with advice and even tried to get to get her back with the guy. I really thought this guy was good for her!!
Months went by and nothing occurred with our relationship. Finally, while attending a business trip one evening a beautiful married woman attending the same seminar asked me out for drinks and later invited me to her room for a night of passion. I did accept the dinner and drink invitation. Although tempted, I refused the night of passion and instead after being intoxicated, I called my friend/employee and told her what occurred.
During the phone conversation as I was drunk and sexually aroused, I informed my friend that I might be attracted to her. She knew I was drunk and told me that I should be careful with what I was saying. I told her that I thought she was always special to me and now I truly believe that I might be in love with her. After a brief pause, we hung up the long distance call after she informed me that if I was to have an affair that it should not be with a stranger but instead with her. The next morning after waking up with a hang over, I could not believe what I did? However, during a break from the seminar I called her to check in at work. She just laughed and gave me an opportunity for an out. She said, “Are you feeling better today?” We laughed and I with a bit of embarrassment told her that I would call her later that night. That evening I phoned her and she asked me if I really meant what I said the night before or was it the alcohol speaking? She said, “If you were drunk and did not mean what you said, I would understand and would dismiss it and never bring it up again”. I had the chance to end here before it started, but instead I told her that the alcohol just permitted me to express my true feelings. I did believe that I loved her. We continued talking for hours that night and began a conversation about sex and what each other liked or did not like, done or have not done. To my surprise, this girl I thought was so innocent, was so sexual and had so many hidden stories of her own sexualities. She told me things about her that made me embarrass and also curious. Boy, I wanted to have crazy sex with her. She told me that she does everything and fully enjoys it. I was so turned on. She was that forbidden fruit that was so ripe and ready to be eaten.
A few days later, the seminar ended and I was heading home. She called me as soon as I arrived and asked me to join her for dinner. I did not want to go, but I did go and the rest is history. From this point in time, we fell in love with one another and became very close to each other despite that we worked together. (I was her boss). A year went by with the most incredible sex, passion and love I had ever felt. She was one of those girls that you love to F but was told never to marry. But, I really fell in love with her and spoke with her about spending the rest of our life together, getting married and having 2-3 children.
Deep down or even with my own ethical insecurities, I knew this was so wrong. Since I have been with her I always felt guilty. Feeling guilty for my actions, I still work late just about 3-4 nights a week. Left my house early, made up stories, found myself always lying to her and my wife. When with her, I was always thinking about my wife and what I would say when I got home. (I always came home) When I was with my wife I was always wondering what she was doing and if she was with someone else. (She was always complaining about her loneness on the weekends and holidays. With so many male friends she had and her cell phone was always ringing, in which she never answered when I was around. Her 10 girl friends she hung out with and/or lived with. All of them had multiple boyfriends that they were sleeping with. Her roommate and best friend, slept with 15 guys when I was around (1yr). More, I would assume when I was not there. Her 3 married friends all were having an affair with multiple guys.) They went out just about every night to clubs, bars and lounges. She was always talking about some of her male friends, and never by name. Guys she met even when we were together. That is why I did not trust her!! Although she said she was a 1 man woman, I was not to sure).
In December, my wife started to question me, on the A and I denied it. Since New Year’s Eve, I promised myself that I would start to focus on my family. My wife, my kids, my parent, my brother, my sisters, and my friends all took a back seat during this turbulent time. We fell in love and I really wanted to leave my world and spent the rest of my life with her. Then, one morning I woke up and said, I really do love this girl but, I can not leave my world and abandon my kids. I told her that maybe someday when the kids are older, I will leave my house, but I can’t now and I really love her, so we have to stop seeing each other in this way. Remember she works for me.
Weeks have gone by and I really love her and am in a lot of pain. I wake-up every morning wondering if I would leave my world for her. I really miss her, but I know that she is not right for me and the pain the I would cost everyone I love and that loves me is to great for me to be and feel so selfish.
I really to love this girl and we could be happy together, she has moved on and started dating and possibly sleeping with other people. She told me that she agreed that our relationship should end and that she would just take it as a learning experience. If I ever, left my house that she would want us to move together. However, as the weeks have past she has moved on with her live and possibly may not even want me. I really love her, although I know what the right thing to do is.
My wife stopped being my lover after we had kids, and we have not had sex in a long time. I love her, but am not sexually attracted to her as I was with the younger woman. The young girl did everything sexually and my wife is very conservative. God I am all screwed up. Please help!!!!