Momesq1991
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| Wed, 06-01-2005 - 11:48am |
I'm calling you out because you seem like you are on the other end of my A ending. What do I mean? well... per your post here...
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=16068.2
that is what I "imagine" my exMM to be feeling. i.e., I *think* he's just turned off emotions but as someone said to me the other day and as you said in that post... he's doing what he has to do... I believe he felt like he was going insane trying to not do too much for me because it made him feel guilty in regards to his W... and yet... when he'd avoid me or what not... it made him feel bad in regard to me... so... he never felt like he was doing right by anyone. Going back to being committed to his W, even if the marriage isn't perfect and even if he does still care for me - ATLEAST he's doing right by one person and he's not going insane doing it. Sucks for me... and makes him sound selfish (even tho he IS doing the RIGHT thing) but... it is what it is and I have to accept it... I don't have to like it, cause I miss him but... I do have to accept it and CHOSE to continue living my life and somehow be happy while doing it! :)
I wrote all that more for me than anything - helps to spell it out for myself! :p But it's good for me to see it from your perspective so I don't feel like he just STOPPED caring and is all happy happy joy joy now. :p
And in all honesty - it DOESN'T make me want to contact him or get back with him just because I know he still cares and maybe he does still think of me and miss me... it just makes it easier to deal with. I STILL want to continue on and move past him... it just doesn't make me feel as rejected as I do when I envision him shrugging me and the thought of me off like I was a flash in the pan for him.
Okay - just wanted to tell you that! :)
XOXO

Honey, if your XMM is anything like me, you weren't a flash in the pan, although I sense that my XMM probably still believes he was. He accused of doing nothing more than f#$%ing with his head. Not so.
I made him alot of promises that I never kept. HOWEVER, I did sincerely believe every one of those promises at the time I was making them. I kept thinking I'd wake up one morning with clarity and be ready to move on and start a new life with him. But as time passed, instead I began growing more fond of my DH and beginning see our marriage in a whole new light. At this point, XMM was frantically searching for an apartment to move into so we could live together, and I knew he couldn't afford that $$$$. He was also taking a big step away from his DD4. I never did feel comfortable that he would have made these changes without me in the picture.
A good friend of mine always felt that I'd done a "loving and caring" thing for him by cutting him loose. I know I was filling a void in his life. Although I do believe he truly loved me (and still does), he had some deep-seated issues that he needed to get a handle on. Being with me was simply putting a bandaid on all the things that were wrong in his life. Naturally, he was eager to fix these issues quickly by starting a new life with me, rather than face the demons of his past.
Regardless, if its any consolation to you, I probably did (and still do) love him (I try not to go there anymore, but we definitely had something more than a passing fling, that's for certain). He played a very important role in my life for various reasons that I frankly just don't feel like getting into right now, but he will always have a special place in my heart.
I know he thought I did a psychotic 180 degree turn on him, and it probably did appear that way. There was no warning this was coming - or at least none that he cared to see. It was subtle. The more I realized I still had feelings for my DH, the more I knew that I owed it to both DH and I to give that a chance, and I knew I owed it to XMM to let him go while I did that.
Don't ever forget that in an A you're only hearing one side of the story. You only know the A persona, if that can be trusted. You're living in a parallel reality. The AP has a whole other life that you just can't touch, and can't know with any certainty. I hope this helps you move forward with some peace. Love, Mo.
it does - it really does! Thank you!
I believe my exMM also believes that he's done a "loving and caring" thing for me by cutting me loose. And in all honesty Mo... he has, I can see that - but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.
I'm sure some of my actions since he ended things makes me look alittle psycho... still trying to reach him and pathetic emails, etc. I hope all of that doesn't ruin the good, true feelings he had. I guess that's where I am now... letting go so my memory can be a good one!
I definitely don't want you thinking GOOD stuff atbout xOM, for fear of going down that road (if even just emotionally) again. But I appreciate you opening up to me that way.
It's hard being on this end knowing he does have a wife he loves and can and wants to continue on with... happily! Meanwhile I feel like I'm drowning! But I think he and YOU are doing the RIGHT thing and someday when I get over my hurt I'm sure I'll be glad he did!
Thanks again! :)