A Month of NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
A Month of NC
7
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 9:36am
Well, its been just over a month's NC from MM. He made the decision and looks like he is sticking with it. I guess this time he is serious about trying to end it. He told me last time we spoke that he had erased all the pics of us he had and everything.

I do miss him, I have to admit. But I am doing okay. Most of the weekend I do not think about him.

Just before I fall asleep at night, is when I think about the times we spent together. They were very special for me, I will never forget them. I don't think I will ever have that kind of sex life with anyone else again.

Does anyone else have a hard time with thinking that part of their life is over? My H is not really very interested in that part of our relationship, that was always a big part of our problems. And I don't see any real solution to it either. Take care everyone,

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2004
In reply to: dustyrose2
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 5:51pm
Dear dustyrose2,

I know where you are coming from. Congratulations on a month of NC! That is a milestone, for sure. My time of NC has not been that long yet. I'm at two weeks and it has been very hard - even though it was initiated by me. They say it gets easier, and hopefully that is true. It depends on what else is going on in your life, and how much you respect and love yourself. These affairs are so hard on one's self-esteem. My ex was married (so am I) but he separated from his wife a few months ago. Interestingly, he was less available to me in some ways once he separated. Saw me less. It was so weird. Then I started catching him in lies about how much contact he was having with the wife.

This "confusion" about whether or not to stay in his marriage has gone on for nearly three years. I don't understand why he separated if he is still so confused! Then as soon as I started NC I found out he took her away for a short vacation, their first vacation together in several years. It made me physically ill. But I should have expected it. That is when I reached my lowest low and had to end it. He continues to send emails about how he will end his marriage soon and come to me with no baggage, but I say actions speak louder than words. Too many promises, too little action. I have not replied to his emails. It hurts very much. He says he loves me and wants to be with me.

I don't know why I was taken on this ride. He initiated everything. All the drama! And what for? The truth is better than hearing the lies. Now my heart must heal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
In reply to: dustyrose2
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 2:06pm
To Dusty and Mcb,

Dusty,

I am going to miss the "terrific" sex as well, but I am NOT going to miss the "guilt and depression" I suffered every time he went home afterwards. That is when I knew something was wrong inside of me about all of this affair stuff. The first 2 years I never had a conscience...and then slowly it started a comeback...These relationships have a way of nibbling at your soul until one day your feel like a piece of swiss cheese. So many holes.....so few answers. Finally I got the internal message that it was time to take stock of myself and begin at the BEGINNING of finding out what happened to the person I used to be, before ALL of this. It's been 6 weeks for me now, and I'm actually beginning to like myself again, although I would be a big fat liar if I said I didn't have bad days every now and then. It all comes with the healing.

MCB,

It sounds like your EX cares for you still, but he has so many things to sort out that he wouldn't know his left hand from his right at this time. Cutting him loose was the best thing you could do for YOURSELF. He's no good to you now and it could take months before he ever would be. During this time you need to work on YOU and why all of this stuff happened in the first place. What is it with us women that we are willing to settle for some lying, tale-telling jerk in the first place?

Good luck to you both,

True

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: dustyrose2
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 3:38pm
Hi True and thanks for your words of wisdom. You are right, and eventually things would get out of control. My A lasted 2+ years too, that's why it is hard to let go and to actually believe that it is the end.

I have actally not seen MM since the end of March although we did talk a few times since then, but now its been complete NC since the end of May.

I am doing okay though and like you, I am trying to find myself, the person I was before this all started (it seems like so long ago).

Anyways, take care,

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: dustyrose2
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 4:21pm
Yes, I definitely have a hard time thinking about the fact that the sex part is over...however...that led me to realize that the sex was the best part of the A. For me, the great sex wasn't worth the pain that went along with it. The games by OM, his hot/cold nature, the fact that he wouldn't express any feelings towards me. I realized that I could live without the sex (even though I will miss it! LOL) because the price had become too high - he was damaging my self esteem.

I applaud you for sticking to the NC for a month. That is a big milestone! I also hope that things get better with H - to be honest, I am right there with you on that one. My situation with my H is exactly the same. I just hope that with some effort it can change for the better, and I wish the same for you. Keep us posted and let us know how you are doing!

:)

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
In reply to: dustyrose2
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 6:41pm
Dusty,

I'm right there with you girl..its been a litle over a month for me too. I'm finding the days are getting easier, but there have been a few tough times ....like when a mutual friend and co-worker innocently asked me if I had talked to x-MM recently LOL.

In my A the sex was amazing, and since I'm single with no current prospects I must admit I worry about that being gone too. But mostly I miss the friendship , that has been the hardest for me. I guess its because that is what I believed in ...more so than the "romance".

Have you talked with your H about what you want/need? In the meantime hang in there, NC is the right thing to do ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: dustyrose2
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 8:42am
So now I heard from MM yesterday, he phoned me which he never does. He said first he was jealous after our last conversation, and then his computer had died awhile ago and he couldn't get ahold of me, then he rememered he had my phone # from a long time ago.

It was nice to talk to him again. I am glad I maintained the NC though, because I refuse to be the one to pursue. Anyways, we'll see what happens. I'm still trying hard with H, but its depressing sometimes to think I'm not making any progress there. Anyways, take care everyone,

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: dustyrose2
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 10:42am
Well you are entitled to your opinion but I thought it was the end a few times now because we've been going thru NC alot over the last year. And I haven't been the one to start it but I was also the one who didn't break the NC. But I guess I'm not ready for the ending yet and that's why I'm willing to accept his excuses.

xxxx