More confusion

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
More confusion
5
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 8:24pm
Mulling over the events of the day...second-guessing myself again. Wondering what I should do...work out my marriage or take a chance to be happy with the other guy. When the relationship ended, he was firm about not wanting me to leave my H for him but wanted me if my marriage ended on its own. Is he taking the high road or just wanting to let me down easy, even though it was mutual. Anyone experienced this situation? And how did you get through it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: newsgal524
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 8:53pm

News

I have not been in that position but have read the writings of a number of experts in the field and all say the samething, If you are getting a divorce do not get involved in another relationship for at least months to a year or the emotional bags that you are carring will sink the new relationship.

Ask your self honestly have you really applied yourself 100 percent to your marriage or have you diverted love,energy and attention to this other man, it's pretty damn hard to view your spouse objectivly when there is another man in the middle of the picture, now it is just my opinion BUT I think that you need to remove this OM from the picture 100 percent with ZERO idea that you may get together with him in the future if your marriage does not work before you can apply your whole heart to making your marriage work, if you have a escape plan then your not really committed to saving the marriage.

Bare in mind that the divorce rate for second marriages exceeds 80 percent add in some cheating and it gets worse and that means Emotional affairs not just physical affairs.

JMNSHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
In reply to: newsgal524
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 9:11pm
Thank you for your post. I know you are right; in fact, he has said the same thing. He is being wiser than I am. I think my marriage can be saved; the question is, I never had the same deep conncection with him as I have with this other man, not even when my husband and I first met and were dating. But we have a child; does that mean we should work it out for her sake? Is all that stuff about "soul mates" just bunk? Should I be happy with "okay" instead of "wonderful"? I've been trying for the last six years and feel so sad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: newsgal524
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 9:36pm

News

The truth is you may have simply forgotten the intensity of your feelings for your husband when you were dating, all that other stuff the kids bills mortgage car payments ETC... gets in the way and we loose track of the relationship.... the affair feelings are not real they are pumped up by being isolated from reality there not effected by the real world because they exist in a fantasy bubble, BUT when affair couples get together that bubble bursts and the real world gets in there and the affair based relationships die rapid and painful deaths in almost all cases.

If you were dealing with OM 24/7 you would see lots of things about him that your not aware of today, the things that may have lead to his divorce, affair relationships are not real relationships there ownly bits and peaces of a relationship there is rarely enough common ground once out in the open to build a real lasting relationship.

Soulmates in my opinion is another word for infatuation, once exposed to the real world infatuation ends in at the most 2 years in the shelter of an affair it can last much longer.

What do you real rationaly thing the odds of to people that have screwed up there marriages by haveing an EA are not going to do it a second time when they hit a rough patch ???

A bird in the hand is better then a shadow in the bushs.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
In reply to: newsgal524
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 9:48pm

"Is all that stuff about "soul mates" just bunk? ".......IMHO is highly overrated and misleading. In a real life situation propably wouldn't last a year.

"Should I be happy with "okay" instead of "wonderful?"........This isn't an atitude condusive to acheiving anything worthwhile in a marriage. Doesn't your DH deserve more than this for the rest of his life? If you do decide to work on your marriage then you must put your hart and sole into it. If you cant do that, then be merciful to your H. A sucessful marriage requires not being selfish and putting your spousse as your top priority. If both spouses do this then they have a great chance of making it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
In reply to: newsgal524
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 2:10pm
Husband has done plenty of things that did not put our marriage first...and no, we did not fall head-over-heels in love when we met and were dating. It was more of an easy companionship without all the emotional highs and lows we had experienced in the past. It was calm and easy and so we moved forward with each other. But the passion was missing. He turned other directions as well in ways that hurt our family but he is just recently willing to admit it but his behavior hasn't completely changed. I am torn between leaving and trying one more time to make it work for the sake of our child. But I don't know if I will ever feel about him the way I have come to feel for this other person, even though each day it becomes more clear that there is little hope for a relationship with him. I feel a great sense of loss for my marriage as well as this other relationship, for which I do have a great deal of remorse and shame. I am just so very unhappy and don't know if I will ever feel happy again. :-(