more of my story..

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
more of my story..
5
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 9:55am

Here is alittle more of my story.  Met almost 15 years ago, our families were extremely close.  All vacations and holidays were done together, at each others homes every day, children of the same ages, etc.  He moved out of state with his family and then divorced, all the while we were still together.  About five years later he remarried, gave me that news via a text msg. Ouch.  Even with that, we were still in daily contact.  We had our ups and downs, especially if I was too busy.  He wanted me to always be available to him and if I wasn't that caused conflict. I gave so much more then he was ever willing to. 

There was never any intention for either of us to leave our spouses and be together.  That is something we were both clear on. 

And now he says we were never friends. Never cared about me.  That's hard to hear. 

Trying to see the good in the end of this.  Letting go and moving on is difficult, but I know it's what I need to do.

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
In reply to:
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 10:09am
Hi blonde,

You are definitely on the right side of things and this end is so good for you! Your story shows some hurts along the way that must have been more than the good feelings, but we have a way of doing our own creative math so we always think it is worth it! i was struck in your other post by something I too felt, when ending my 12 yr A - it was that I had "invested" so much and didn't want to "waste" the time. I see now that that is some crazy emotional algebra! I think a more realistic way to think of it is that you finally are free of that old unreliable car that keeps needing repairs, or that ridiculous credit card bill that charges such high interest, - anything that you can compare to a drain on your emotional budget. We are glad to be rid of those things, so why not feel glad too (in time) to be free of the A?

There's lots of good advice on this board and plenty of shoulders to help you move on. You will feel so much better down the road, though it has ups and downs. Be clear in your mind about NC and do not respond to anything he might wave in front of you.

Hugs -

Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to:
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 5:04pm

Not that it makes all the hurt go away, but I'm thinking he is saying those mean things because he thinks you'll move on quicker or easier hearing those harsh words vs. words of caring and such.  More anger...less hurt.  Maybe it's because that's how it would work for him...so that's how he thinks it will help you let go.  And anger does tend to help us initially launch up and away.  We don't want to stay stuck in anger, but it sure does help at the onset.

I mean you don't hang with someone for all that time and not ever care...unless your a sociopath or something.

Keep trying to see the good in the end of this.  It had to come to an end some day.  The affair was not nourishing your soul. Some day has arrived, but you will get through this...and we are here to help you do so.

Keep posting in for support and post in too to support others.  Even buddying up with someone here is a big help...always helps to have someone along side of you walking the same path.

((hugs))

Clarity 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2011
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 5:28pm

Even though your thoughts are of former ap the best thing to do IMO is to devote that energy and passion into your marriage for no other reason than to acknowledge how much your marriage suffered during the A relationship. It takes some introspection, realize what you were missing within  your m that caused that other relationship to develop. Then to turn things around in your marriage, and devote  energy into the m and hus. and move on. I mean, we can sit and think about ap and how much we miss him or loved him, but the whole thing from the beginning was wrong. Introspection, like how do you want to live your life and who do you want to be? What do you want to be known for when it's all over?  I think learning more about YOU and learning how to communicate that within the m and find satisfaction that way is the best way in life. And if the m is in disrepair now is the time to either fix it or leave it. So sorry, good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 8:27pm

well said Jeannie - your thoughts are so good for the "when it doesn't hurt quite so bad" stage. Good introspection might just turn up the ruby slippers - there's no place like home, so do the work to get there.

Daisy

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2011
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 4:14pm

Yeah, headspace, positive headspace. Moving forward is better than destroying oneself with the past. But there are a lot of pppl who do live in the past, pine away for what can never be, don't get over it, slowly destroy themselves replacing one addiction for another, some pppl living in a fastasy world that really was not reality but what we personally  made up. That's why I always say go to a trained therapist to learn about ourselves and who we are, what motivates us, what pushes our buttons, who we are and   how to handle it and cope, or change, or how to find who we want to be.Therapists can be wonderful but sometimes it takes a while to find the right one.