More thoughts...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
More thoughts...
6
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 8:11pm
Just random thoughts here. Don't know where I am going with it.

During my affair I became a person I didn't know. I lost all sense of right and wrong. I didn't feel bad at all about his wife and kids. I just didn't. I thought they had nothing to do with it. I was totally in love (more like obsessed with our intrigue, sexual conversations, insatiable sex drive etc.) and thought because of this I was *entitled* to him! I got a high off the fact that this family man would risk his marriage to be with me. The key to the excitement in this affair was that HE WAS NOT AVAILABLE. I seemed to enjoy the pain that came with the situation. At the time I didn't see this but now I do.

I can't remember how I found SLAA, but I did. It was scary-I thought what type of people would go to a group like this? The group helps you connect to a higher power and intoduces the well known 12 step plan of recovery. It's the only thing that help me break the addiction and absession. It's been 2 years and EVEN NOW my exMM STILL tries to get in touch with me through other people. I know that there is NO WAY I can have ANY form of relationship with him.

What I resent the most about him is that he knew I was trying to get help to get away from him and he still wouldn't stop. He told me he loved me more than anyone, but yet he was a selfish bastard. I would be in my car waiting to go into an SLAA meeting and we'd be on the phone together. INSANE. He was an addict too-maybe worse off than me-he even admitted it, but he absolutely refused to do anything about it. I believe that he is still the same person he was 2 years ago because he probably hasn't gotten any help. He is a candidate for having another affair...the only thing is who the hell would want him??? Short, balding, 2 kids, married...gee, that sounds like a guy I want to waste a year on!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 5:13pm
Hi again. I had the same problem with my xMM! He knew that I was going to a therapy group and he still would not leave me alone. I even drew up a contract with the help of the group asking him to leave me alone until he had made some decisions in his life. That did no good either. I used to share with him some of the suggestions that the director would make to me, like taking so many months away from each other. He would never agree. I was honest with him about my problems. I told him that my health was declining, I was eating compulsively, I could not concentrate at work, etc. He still pushed me. I love him, so I thought that his pushing was a sign of his true love for me.

I always maintained that maybe we should take a year away from each other to sort out our lives (his marriage and the end of mine). I thought that was the only chance that we had. Then, I wanted to come clean with everyone. I wanted to be honest and take the hits if they came. I knew that we would be judged by some. But somewhere during all of my clarity, I, like you, lost myself. I no longer knew whether I was coming or going. Then, all of a sudden he had made a decision and I was not part of it. He was going to stay in his M and have another child. I had confessed to my H and ended my M, yet he was not going to tell his W anything about our 5 year A. I know there are a lot of arguments for not telling, but I could not believe that I had been dealing with a man that would immediately start trying to get pregnant without telling his wife of our A. I think that is part of my hurt. He ended it by saying all of the things that I had once said to him. Only he was cruel. He made me feel like suddenly he was in complete control and I was out of control. I kept asking him why? I wanted to know what changed. All he would ay is "rebuild your life". He said things like "I am taken". He even said "Don't trust a married man". If he had ever said any of those things to me before, I would never have gotten into the relationship with him. I am starting to realize also that he may not have really worked anything out with himself. He has just taken the path of least resistance and is calling himself "healed". His problems will probably rear their heads again one day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 5:26pm
I completely identify with your post! As I read it, I sounded like I was in a baptist church -- that's right, so true, amen sister!

I believe that affairs are extremely addictive and damaging. I think I loved my MM at the beginning but doing something so wrong & so unhealthy & so damaging to yourself competely destroys whatever kernels of love exist. AND, unlike a healthy relationship, it never grows -- I think it shrinks.

I also identify with your comments along the lines of "what the heck was I thinking?" -- I thought I loved this guy? This liar. this man who would betray and lie to his children and wife? Ugh. AND that he swore up and down he loved me more than life BUT he did everything in his power to emotionally manipulate me & keep me trapped in that prison of an affair, even though I used to beg him to let me go, to be my friend without the affair, etc.

What were we thinking? I wasted more than 3 years! what an idjit.

Now we can think clearly, ain't life grand? It's like a near-death experience we've pulled out of, and the grass is greener, air smells sweeter, life is just so much better on the free side.

Good luck to you sparkle! I don't know how long you've been free, but I've been free 9 mos. and I'm so grateful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 7:14pm
You are so wise in what you say, it is an addiction, I even told XMM he was like a drug to me, the incredible highs but then the awful lows. It was the same for him and he'd end it and keep coming back, saying he was sorry he knew it was messing me around but he couldn't help it. This time looks like he has sorted his dependency out and I am still struggling with the withdrawl symtoms.

I became a person who put up with things I never would from a friend or collegue, I went from and independant women to one who could only exsist with him in my life, I relied on him for my happiness.

Although I always beleived to get involved with a married man was unforgivable (don't judge unless you have been there),I did it and had no qualms about it, I couldn't care less about his wife, although for weeks at the beginning, when we were just talking as friends, I did try to get him to sort things out with her, but he kept telling me how awful she was (so awful he's still with her, even thought she told him to go more than once, and she told me I was welcome to him)Oh it's funny really, it makes you want to cry! and I beleived him. Even know my feelings about her are unkind, jealousy I guess and being unkind and hurting others isnt at all like me.


I really love him, well the man I though he was, but he has shown his true colours at last and is not who I beleived him to be, although I keep having to tell myself that, Still hard to accept. If he played these control games with his wife over the years no wonder his marriage had got so bad. If he was my husband I wouldn't have forgiven him this affair, so why am I prepared to forgive him as his bit on the side?

He wasn't there when I needed him the most and I still made allowances for him, scary thing is I know a text from him tomorrow and It would make me feel so happy. Keep posting Sparkle I can't afford treatment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 8:19pm
Wow! It's crazy how everything gets so convoluted and insane. Yep-that's the stuff of affairs. That's how it works.

Believe me, if I have learned anything at all-he absolutely is not cured. That's laughable. Perhaps the guilt caught up with him and he decided he'd have to end it. Having another child may be his way to focus on his marriage. The poor wife. She must know he's cheated on her.

Without some serious help, he'll be back out there screwing around with someone else. The addiction doesn't go away. He'll need something else to fill it up or he'll have to deal with withdrawl-the hardest part of recovering. Just like drugs or alcohol dependency.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 8:35pm
It's been 2 years for me out of the affair. It took me a while to "get" that what I felt for him may have felt like love, but I don't believe that's what real love is all about.

Real love is more normal. It's based on real feelings and committment. Relationships are hard work. I believe men who have affairs are not interested in doing any work on relationships. I also think a guy like this wouldn't do work with you if he became available as your boyfriend or husband. Blech. No thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 8:41pm
My Sweet Natty-

PLEASE, I beg you-give SLAA a try. There are even online meetings. The pain you suffer will lesson if you give this a shot. It's free too!

Your ex has not sorted out his problems, believe me. Without a committment to recovering from this addiction he will repeat this behavior with someone else or another drug of choice. He is an addict and as such, selfish. I am sorry he hurt you so bad and you feel that you still love him.

Please work on yourself so that you will be available for a healthy relationship when it shows up. I think I have another story to tell...stay tuned.

Sparkle

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