Like a moth to a flame! UGH so mad at myself!

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Like a moth to a flame! UGH so mad at myself!
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 9:19am

I made a huge mistake this morning after doing so well yesterday!  As you all know I work with my xAP.  I went down to his office.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I was there before I realized it.  Like auto pilot kicked in.  It was a "hello how are you" conversation that suddenly turned, what's the word....tense.  As background we are 4 weeks no physical contact and 1 week LC.  After three years he basically said I needed to make a decision (he's S, I'm M).  

Where he used to drop everything for me today he was "busy" and somewhat dismissive.  Of course I played it off (I can put on a great poker face) but then I was furious at myself for putthing myself in that situation.  I created the hurt. I also feel that he is intentionally pulling away/ignoring me just so I want him more.  I am better than this!  What's with this weak moment.  After reading in the HL and realizing my situation is not's an A, just like many others.  What the heck!   I need a swift kick in the a$$. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 9:45am

*cupping ear*....did I hear someone say "I need a swift kick in the ass."?  BEND OVER

Now, I really didn't kick you because you already hurt yourself enough.  Please, remember this humiliation and pain and avoid setting yourself up for further rejection.  

It's important, Love, to figure out what you were thinking.  There was not much thinking going on during our affair...time to start doing some REAL thinking...because we don't just FIND ourselves here in an affair or there in his office.  We consciously make decisions to be here or there.

Seems he has made his need to ACCEPT IT. He's a single guy and probably wants a real relationship with an available woman.   Please don't project what you think he is thinking or doing.

Weak moments are expected, Love.  But there are other things you can do during a 'moment'.  Come here and talk it out, read through the Healing Library, call a friend, call your husband, pray for strength if you are the praying type, use breathing techniques (3 slow deep breaths), pick up a book and immerse yourself in it, make a list of how much better you are going to feel when you live life honestly and with integrity and refer to it during 'moments'...there are many other things to do besides setting yourself up to feel hurt and rejected.  We don't want to see you hurting at your own hands.

The more you stay LC and stay away the less you have to feel hurt all over again....the same hurt we feel back on square one...and it's because we are not accepting that it is over.

We know you can do it.  It just takes discipline and impulse control.





Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 9:46am

Some of it could be that old, It doesn't apply to me, I'm different syndrome.

No matter how much we read, and we identify, we think we can test ourselves, or we can be above all that crap that normal people go through and lo and behold, we find we are just as emotional, and just as lacking as determination as the people that we shake our heads at. 

Vets constantly repeat the same advice over and over.  After a while you see what works.  You see what is trouble.  There is always someone new that wants to do it their way because they just aren't done yet.  We understand.

It's called Hanging On.  Over and over again. Post after post.  We have seen it before.  We have lived it before.

In very few instances does anyone ever stay here if they are done with the A.  Completly done that is.  That's where all the support comes in.  We are recovering.  Some further along than others, but if we were done, then we really don't need the help.

I've been here a long time.  I am a lot better.  I still live in fear.  I know SOME of my own weaknesses.  I think I am done, but I still come here.  I still need support.

We can only tell you what has worked for us.

Dust yourself off, realize that it was you that broke the rules.  Not him.  He is trying to protect himself.  Now it's your turn. Protect yourself.  Commit yourself.  The goal is to quit trying to hang on.  You can not be friends.  You can be civil.  You can never go back.

Good thoughts for you, keep plugging away.  You learn every time.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 10:52am
Love - I get it. The xap for me was S, he dumped me, the situation, all connections, in one brief phone call. Five years to 'poof' in a flash. He was cold, turned away in LC situations, and it hurt me so much I became the avoidance champ. Changed my route to work to not pass his house, avoided mutual friends, deactivated social networks to not see anyone who knows him-the triggers were so hurtful for me.

Love- You need to dig in and really work hard to
avoid him. Really, no bs excuses. I know, I made
them. It's torture but it is the only way out.

My M is a focus now, and though it's not roses, it's real. If we part ways, it's our decision, not xap's voice in my head, and heart.

I'm glad you came here and didn't avoid! We've all stumbled!

Make the day successful!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 4:29pm

LC is brutal. Often we create the reasons to veer into their sight. Answering an email that didn't warrant an answer, creating questions , wandering past their workspace etc. you get the idea and each time we are hurting ourselves. All we can do is control our own behaviour. Protect ourselves. Recognise when we are behaving in a way that doesn't support our healing.

You have come here with that recognition - remember how it's made you feel and control yourself. I work daily with mine and you are way ahead than I was in recognising this. Keep going - you can do this.

Much love

Yellow xx

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~