Move on or dwell

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Move on or dwell
5
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 10:19pm

So I had my therapist appointment tonight. On the way there is seemed a perfect time to leave a VM for exMM and tell him to mail my keys to my work address and that, no, I decided there was no need for us to meet on Wednesday to talk. Since I feel that he is not being honest with me, there is really nothing to say to each other. I said that I was not mad but just wanted to stay away and heal and get on with my life and that I didn't want to reopen the wounds again for no real purpose. Of course, my therapist and my friends don't believe me when I say that this is it and I can understand why. But I have decided that I just won't be with a married man anymore. Even though I do love him, bottom line is he's married.

Now, since we have been so on and off, I am casually (ie, no sex) seeing my ex for about a month. I get serious opposition from friends who think I should be alone and think about everything and why and how and so on. Is it wrong for me to just want to move on? To want to just forget? No offense meant to everyone here but I have spent the last two years in hell, upset all the time broken only by good nights/days with MM, basically waiting for his divorce to happen. I still have a tremendous amount of feelings for him. I still love him desperately. I still can't believe that all we talked about - our future, a baby, a home - will never happen. But should I be sitting around thinking, dwelling on it? I spent the last two years basically alone in this new city, makign friends, getting to know myself. Will sitting around more help me get over him or just prolong the agony?

I found a great little story in this book I am reading by Wayne Dyer. A man was being chased for 3 days by a tiger and the man was frantic that he was going to be killed. On the third day, he found a cave and hid in it and the tiger didn't see him and passed him by. Relieved to be okay, the man went to his teacher and told him of his ordeal. The teacher asked him if he was angry at the tiger, if he took it personally that the tiger was after him, if he was personally offended. The man said no, of course not, its a tiger and it was doing what tigers do. Taking it personally would make no sense. Similarly, I am trying to not take what MM did to me personally - all the manipulations, the lies, the deception - like the tiger, its MM's nature and he did it before and will do it again. Trying to understand how MM did this to me after all he said and promised is foolish, it is pointless to try and understand another person who is out to destroy you. better to just hide and escape.

Is this denial? Will this come back to haunt me or have I suffered enough that I can move on now?

What do you think?

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 10:35pm

IVY

>"Is it wrong for me to just want to move on? To want to just forget?"<<

No it is not wrong for you to want to move on and put this behind you, I don't think any of your friends or family believe that, I think there concern is that you need to spend some time healing before you move into another relationship be it with XH or someone else otherwise all that pain may effect the new relationship.

What ever "YOU CHOOSE" take your time and make sure it is right for you.

Be well

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 10:53pm

Question for you,

Do you think its possible for someone else to heal you? Not necessarily if you are in an active painful situation (like when I was separated and a mess or if you are literally crying your eyes out over someone) but can a new relationship heal you of a lingering sadness over a love that can't be?

Today I was talking to some coworkers and afterwards I had a thought - wow, for 10 minutes I totally didn't even think about MM at all. I guess I want to just be healed.

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 11:34pm

Ivy:
Putting space between you and ANY man right now would be a good thing. Hellooo Perspective. Ex Sex is another mind$ucking thing. Please god dont complicate your life more! Yes its a quick fix...but its a lil more complicated than an eff buddy dont ya think? How 'bout giving your very loving heart a break.

Self love..both emotionally and ummm physically...might do the trick. Think of it as a gift to yourself without any strings LOL and um with the one who takes care of you the best. I mean this in both ways...in every sense of the word. EMOTIONALLY and physically.


Lizzie
:::runs back to give you a much needed hug after the week you've had:::runs back to my perch::

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 11:47pm

IVY

Can some one else heal you, I don't think they can heal you, they may be able to help just by being there for you ready to listen when you need someone to or give you that hug and let you know in the eyes of other people your really are a worth while person, worth there time love and friendship.

If the other person is a romantic relationship I have to agree with the experts that seem to agree with each other....your going to be putting a lot of strain on that new relationship if you are expecting the new love interest to heal you.

Healing takes time, in my opinion mostly it has to come from the inside not from an outside source.

Being distracted from your wounds by someone is not the same as being healed, there is a difference between putting a bandage on a cut and having that cut heal....healing is better.

If where talking about XH here I am not going to say don't see him just take it slow enjoy your time with him and don't put to much expectations on it.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 9:38am

Ivy, only you will know when that point - that you're moving on and not in denial - has come. I had a much easier time moving on with my life in the early stages of NC (not that I'm having any NC with the XMM right now, but that's another story...LOL). I wasn't ready to feel all the feelings at once.

I've read alot of Wayne Dyer material and actually seen him in person. You can't go wrong relying on Wayne. I posted something similar to the tiger story in my response to "Posters Today" that I got from the book The Four Agreements. Basically, don't take anything personally. If you have peace moving on in another relationship, then so be it. Only you know that.

I left my A and immediately started rebuilding my marriage, because those were the thoughts I was having at the end of my A. I had mulled it over, completely, and knew without a doubt that I wanted to stay with my DH. I didn't feel the need for time alone, or to give it extensive thought. And that worked, just for me.

Do what feels right to you. No one else can guide you with your recovery from this experience. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10