moving on

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2010
moving on
22
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 3:16pm

rejection is hard. it hurts. no one knows better than I how much. Most of my life has been spent trying to find where I fit in. Money, clothes, kids, stuff, job, who I know, etc. Always seems like I was trying for something I shouldn't have aimed for.


I knew he was married when we met. It was not my intention to actually ever see him again. For me it was a one night stand that I thought afterwards - wow that was stupid.


before I

"It will all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2010
In reply to: chocolatmartini
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 9:24pm

thank you :)


I am usually a very optimistic person, but when I hit my lows, sadly there is usually no one I can turn to. I feel like I'm swirling in circles trying to find something to grasp but everything I do slips through my fingers. It doesn't feel like anyone understands what I'm feeling at the time and so I just flounder until it passes. sometimes it just gets so overwhelming, doing it all on my own.


all. the. time.


I'm not asking for life to be easy (okay well maybe I am but can ya blame me??)


but does it really have to be set to extreme fatigue all the time?


We all want someone to love us and someone to love back. just seems like a cruel trick from fate to try for something that we can't have.


sigh...but I get plenty of guilt from my Catholic upbringing.....


well I must get to bed so I can procrastinate with the snooze button in a few hours.


I'll chat with everyone tomorrow. hoping its better than today was.


"It will all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
In reply to: chocolatmartini
Fri, 03-26-2010 - 1:33am

Hi CM,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2010
In reply to: chocolatmartini
Fri, 03-26-2010 - 6:44am

Good morning everyone -


Amazing how 24 hours can change your mood. No wonder guys think we are confusing, sometimes I cannot understand myself! bu I digress....


Having had the time to mull over the day I will be forthright with all of you.


Yes I want the pain to end and stop with all the doubts and wondering and fantasys. That said, I know that I need to vent if you will - all these questions and thoughts in my head. Posting my strongest emotions earlier has allowed all the others to come to the surface and I need to get them out. Its part of how I move forward, by understanding things. I know the lessons - but sometimes some lessons must be learned through the process rather than just being told. (kinda like being hungover - everyone can tell you it's horrible but you don't fully grasp it until you do it yourself)


That said and knowing this - I know that this is stuff that will not help any of you and I certainly do not want to have anyone backslide.


"It will all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: chocolatmartini
Fri, 03-26-2010 - 6:45am

I'm not asking for life to be easy (okay well maybe I am but can ya blame me??)


but does it really have to be set to extreme fatigue all the time?


Let me ask you this: How much of this "Life sucks, life isn't fair, life's too hard" attitude do we bring on ourselves by our thoughts and especially by the decisions we make regarding life? No doubt life

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: chocolatmartini
Fri, 03-26-2010 - 8:29am

CM-

I could have written your original post at the end of my A and in the early days of NC, as I am sure many of us here could. It reminded me of the fresh pain in those days. As I sit 57 days out of my A, I am entering a new phase. Some of my empowerment has wavered. I had a minor setback yesterday when I had to communicate with xap about work. He is still in my head. My armor is not as strong as I thought it was, but reading your post helped. It reminded me what I've escaped from and that forward is the only direction to head in life. So thank you for sharing your emotions with us. Wherever we are on this journey, it is good to be level set from time to time. I hope that you will stick around here. Your insight is welcome and valuable.

Iddy- Your post in response to hers has been copied and pasted into my strength folder. This especially hit home, " Affairs are lived in the moment, and that moment is over the minute one or the other returns to their significant other. All that space that's left in between meetings/talking is lived in our heads...and it grows so out of proportion to reality that we fool ourselves into believing it has substance."

Thanks for this reminder. I really needed it today.

Jane
NC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
In reply to: chocolatmartini
Fri, 03-26-2010 - 10:02am

choc,


Am I understanding that you will no longer be posting on EAS ???


I hope I misunderstood you, but if that is the case, then I will miss you and I hope you can find your way back to us. hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: chocolatmartini
Fri, 03-26-2010 - 10:07am

Chocolamartini,

I didn't want my A to end when I came here. I asked a lot of questions and I, probably, was not a good newbie for way too long. The circumstances of my ending are a little different from you but we're similar in that we have (had) the same "I'm not quite there" attitude.
I am SO SO SO thankful that I stayed on the board, that I became an active, posting member, and that I worked the steps even though my heart was not in it for a while. One of the things that kept me on this board in the beginning was that, in the back of my head, I knew that xAP and I had a time-limit for NC -- in that, we had set a three month vacay from the A and were going to 'check in' at the end of that three months. By the time the three months was up, I was a bona fide and committed ENDER. The fog had lifted and I truly realized what I wanted and who I wanted to be. I NEVER would have gotten to that place had I stayed in contact with AP. I never would have gotten out of the fog and I never would have begun my healing. I have been an ender for 5 months now. Thank god.

I am BEGGING you to try NC and stay on this board. If you have to, give yourself an end-date. Lurking is just not enough, imho. It takes posting and getting personal feedback and support in order to move forward.

You need this board, and this board needs you - even in your current state of mind (which, if you stay, will change _quickly_!) Please stay?

Prayers for strength,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
In reply to: chocolatmartini
Fri, 03-26-2010 - 10:56am

great post cm... i too feel ready to 'let go' and boy could i relate to a lot of your post ...


"doesn't mean letting go of my fantasy doesn't hurt. Doesn't mean I don't think about all of the messages or times we were together. Doesn't mean I don't cringe at my own stalker like tendancies and obsession with his life."


and...


"But his life is his life. We can't be friends since we've alredy been lovers.

~ life....

http://nomoreblues.wordpress.com/

Oh just leave me just get out of my head
'Cause I can't ta

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2010
In reply to: chocolatmartini
Fri, 03-26-2010 - 11:46am
Dee - you are correct in that I don't feel like a 'good newbie'.

I can see all of the logical things, what I need to do, etc.


My

"It will all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: chocolatmartini
Fri, 03-26-2010 - 11:51am

Ah friends... I think we all struggle with that. Here's something I wrote up on March 9, which was day 40 NC for me. I think you will relate. I think we all can.

When all of the pain and vulnerability have been forgotten, even if momentarily, I miss my friend. Xap and I were good friends before we crossed the line and allowed ourselves to feel more for each other than we should have. There are times when I miss my “best friend” so much- when it hurts so much I can’t breathe. His absence has left a huge hole in my life in that regard.

When things were bad at home, or I was having a rough day, or I was dealing with something non-marriage related, he was the one I turned to. When I received good news or was having a good day, he was the one I told first. And even now, when my H and I have a disagreement, or something icky happens at work, or I get some good news, I think momentarily about him and how he used to be the first to know. And for a brief moment, I rationalize sending him a note. He was my sounding board and I his, and that’s what got us into this terrible mess. I should not have been confiding in him- I should have been confiding in my husband. This is a hard lesson to learn; a painful lesson to learn.

Yes, I miss my friend, but I have come to realize that ultimately, he was not my friend. A true friend would have set boundaries. A true friend would not have pursued me nor fallen in “love” with me. (I put quotes around love, because I have also learned what we had was not love). A true friend would have respected my marriage and left me alone. All that being said, I was not a good friend either, because I am equally to blame for all of our indiscretions, if not more so. We got caught up in something and things between us will never be the same. I mourn the loss of a confidant. I regret the A because it took away a friend… but, through this, I’ve learned that we were not friends. A friend would not allow another friend to be so self-destructive.

I let someone in. He became so integral to my existence and now he is gone. It takes awhile to get to that good-riddance place and I am not there yet. If I could turn back time… but life moves forward and that’s what I have to do.Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/




Edited 3/26/2010 11:51 am ET by secretlifeofjane28
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/