moving on?
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| Wed, 06-08-2005 - 5:19pm |
I've been dating a man for a year. At the time we met he had been separated for 6 months and his wife was about to give birth to their first child. They got married young (he was 18) and have only been married a few years, the majority of which was spent apart from each other. He is in the military so we were in San Diego and his wife was in Texas. He told me she walked out on him and they had a lot of problems and there was no chance they'd work anything out, they were getting divorced. We dated 5 months and he told me he never felt this way about anyone and he wanted to marry me when they were divorced. Then he was deployed to iraq for six months and we emailed each other every day. We talked about moving in together for the summer and I was going to move to Texas after that so he could be closer to his daughter. When he returned from iraq in march we saw each other every day, but he was a very different person. He said he never believed in marriage as a lifetime commitment and that sometimes he just wanted to run away from everything and never come back.
His wife found out that he was having a relationship with me and filed for divorce. Last week he told me he wants his family back and that means we can't have any contact whatsoever. I am so confused, this is the first serious relationship i've ever been in and I'm still in love with this man, I was ready to marry him figuring the first marriage was just a mistake of youth and that we are meant to be together. It wasnt even about the sex or getting away with something, I thought his marriage was over and he is my best friend. Now he wants to go back to her as soon as he's out of the military and i can't even speak to him anymore. I'm just devastated and don't know what to do.
How do I get over him and move on? What are the chances that he is only staying in the marriage because he's afraid to leave and have to support himself? What are the chances that as soon as they are back together they'll fight like they used to and end up getting divorced anyway?

Cal
>>" How do I get over him and move on? What are the chances that he is only staying in the marriage because he's afraid to leave and have to support himself? What are the chances that as soon as they are back together they'll fight like they used to and end up getting divorced anyway?"<<
NONE OF THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM, you need to walk away from this and accept that this guy does not know what he wants from life and is a real bad risk of being a heart breaker for ANY woman that he is involved with.
Your clearly a young person, learn from these sad experiences and don't repeat the mistake of getting involved with a married man....no divorce decree no relationship period... FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
Enforce total not contact and in time you will heal from this and life will be waiting for you.
Free
the questions you ask regarding "chances" are impossible to answer.
Know this much however:
You went with a man who was separated from his pregnant wife. (i am not clear if it was because of military separation or choice.)_..either way...you have a clearer idea of how men in the military conduct themselves. Some learn to treat their marriages as if they are on "leave" when restationed somewhere. I am not sure if the military attracts these type of guys or the military life just makes it convenient for them to become these kind of men...but I know men who can't wait to be restationed...so they can be "single" as they wish. They also get encouraged to marry because they make more money. (So many are married and very young...its not a coincidence). Anyhow...if you didnt understand that before...now you do.
The other factor in your situation is that this guy has gone to war. That makes for BIG LIFE THOUGHTS...You cannot expect someone to be in daily life-threatening situations that we in civilian life can only imagine...and I am sure he described to you...without having been affected.
I feel so much compassion for you as I am sure the daily emails with him must have been intense etc. You sustained him I am sure. You took a risk too. It must be awful the feeling you have...but please know you have probably dodged a bullet. After everything he has been through...INCLUDING the things he has subjected HIMSELF to coupled with his very huge lack of committment for someone he was married to and is having a baby with (and didnt get married because of pregnancy but before)...you have not seen beyond yourself and him and you shouldve. You shouldve questioned in the beginning as you got to know him what kind of man he was. I fell for someone that after some introspection and inspection...made it a lot easier for me to think..umm...perhaps this guy isn't good for me or anyone right now...and made it a lot easier when it ended. I dodged a bullet..that is separate from the heartache of grieving for something that wasn't going to be good for me. Didn't stop me from the chemical feelings of affection and love for him...but I knew halfway through...uh uh...this wouldn't be someone i should be with. So yeah...its good its over.
You need to start seeing that for yourself...this will get clearer to you as time goes on. He needs decompression from what he just went through and now he needs to pay attention to the life he created and will be responsible for. It sucks not to be a priority...but I feel deep down inside...even you understand that you shouldn't be. It sucks that he was selfish enough to drag you into his life and sustain him through hard times and then leave you. This is a hard lesson I wish on no one. There are no healing words for THAT.
Sorry for your pain....your pain is real.
The only thing you can control is you now. Understand the role you played, why you did it, what you got from it that you can possibly get from an above board available relationship....and want it when you are ready...with someone. Healing and helping yourself and learning when you are not having fun is a good way to pass the time and move forward. I am not saying you shouldn't grieve but please do it while listening to the ground and with your eyes open. I am glad that you have the forethought to seek advice and help. That means you are trying to care for yourself =)
Post here often if you need it ::::::::::Hugs::::::::
Lizzie