Moving on???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
Moving on???
6
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 6:19pm
Well I think I had my moment of clarity. Things got really bad between my H and I over the weekend and he left. Before he left he hugged me and told me that he wanted to be with me and I told him I wanted the same. We both said that we loved each other very much and wanted to work through all of this. I cried for 15 hours straight. He came back home and we talked for a bit. I went out with a friend and she gave me a good dose of reality. She told me that my relationship with my MM is not real and that my marriage is. That I should focus saving my marriage without having my MM in it. But my problem is that part of me (a big part) still wants to contact MM. He has left his wife in order to be with me and is waiting for my response. I feel so bad just to leave things like this, with no answer for me or for him. He has been sending me emails but I haven’t responded to any of them. Is this fair or do I need to speak with him one more time for closure for the both of us?? My H says that if I attempt to contact him or if he contacts me and I engage in his attempts that he will leave me. So I kind of feel that I will get no closure on all of this and that I will never be able to move on in my life or my marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 6:32pm

BA

Maybe it is time to be fair to your HUSBAND, XMM has no rights at all in this, you were and are a MARRIED WOMAN that made vows with your HUSBAND not XMM he is an intruder a thief of what belongs to your husband and he is nothing more.

Closure is more or less a load of CRAP, and excuse to keep contact....YOU MOVE ON BY DECIDING that is what you want to do and then taking the steps to make it happen including legal steps like restraining orders against XMM to make him back off so you can do what you have to to get your head on straight.

I don't wish to sound harsh but it is reaching the point were you could end up losing everything for this mental case.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 6:41pm

OMG! Free you are great!

Do not contact him. I understand the confusion. I've gone throught the same. I made the mistake of contacting my xOM after my husband told him off and begged me not to speak to him. But I "felt bad for him." BULL!! If it is meant to be, MM will be there after you have sorted through your REAL life. You might not even want him when it is all said and done. Figure out what to do with your H with MM OUT OF THE PICTURE. COMPLETELY. I wish I had.

My xOM was selfish. He didn't give me closure when I thought I needed it. Closure is crap. Move on. Stay committed to your husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 7:04pm
Thanks to the both of you. I know that I should just ignore my exMM completely and let him deal with his pain and loss on his own. I think he needs to come to the reality of all of this just as much as I do. Did I mention that him and his W (or soon to be ex..or so he says..they are just seperated..and only because of me..she still wants to be with him) are in our circle of friends? They even hang out with my H siblings. And they continue to do so. Thank goodness all of his siblings are mature enough to seperate all of this from each person but I think there will come a time when they have to choose. Unfortunately, my H and I are missing out on our friends gatherings because we don't want to be in the same room as the both of them (they show up together and act as if everything in normal between them). It is all so very hard and very sad. I am counting on this board and my friends to get me through this and to help me see the truth.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 7:46pm

But you will. You will move on with your marriage and your life. My story sounds very similar to yours. My XMM left his wife and was waiting for me to leave my H. At the eleventh hour I realized I couldn't do it and one fine Sunday night I called my XMM and told him it was over. I felt much like you describe in your post and believed I owed him so much more than that one phone call. I too ignored all his attempts to contact me once I hung up the phone that night.

I think most on this board will agree that closure is overrated and eventually your need for it will fade.

As you work more and more on your marriage you'll be more and satisfied with that relationship as the primary one in your life. I ended my A over a year ago and have spent the last year rebuilding. Some/most days I wonder what I was ever thinking when I planned to end this marriage and move on with the XMM.

I wish the same for you. You CAN move on with your life and your marriage, regardless of how you ended this A. Just my .02. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 8:43pm

BA

Have you yourself spoken with XMM wife does she conferm that he has left her including leaving the house not just moving to another room.. have you seen real evidence of this with your own eyes.

Maybe she shows up acting normally because he forgot to tell here he had left her !!

Regardless of what he has or has not done that has no baring on your marriage, you need to deal with it on its own marits with out XMM deliberately mudding up the waters, one thing t bare in mind is that many men that leave there wife for the OW end up going back weeks or months later leaving the OW marriage in a shambles or DEAD.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 8:53pm
AMEN! Closure is overrated! Who made that closure crap up anyway. You get closure from within yourself.