Moving Things Inside

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Moving Things Inside
1
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 10:12pm
I just finished a response to goingnuts on another message (Chilean Bass)and I realized that I feel so much more peaceful tonight at this board than I did when I first found it less than a week ago. And, while timing is something difficult to understand, it seems to me that all of the encouragement, wisdom and stories shared by the women on this board this week have helped me to move things along inside. Maybe I was just ready to have it move, but I deeply appreciate all you've offered.

When I found this board, I was struggling. I had ended the A, but it didn't really feel over inside and I was struggling with NC. Earlier in the week, maybekatie said wisely that when we can't keep NC, perhaps its because we're not quite ready to move on. So I've spent my week trying to understand myself, my motives and creating a balance inside to help me move on. And I'm feeling at peace and ready. (OK, maybe just for the past few days, but I'll be grateful for the beginning of these feelings!)

I've chronicled my situation in pieces, and lonelyhousewife and now going nuts have been gracious in receiving bigger pieces. And as I look at it, I realize the basic steps that took me into my A. I was lonely, deeply lonely, with a H that was never the right person for me, but with whom I was (and maybe still will be) determined to keep a marriage. I voiced my loneliness, and had no answer; things got worse. Rather than simply sit in that pain, or to get out of the marriage recognizing the difficulty, I diverted my attention from the problems and sought to get my needs met through the A. Which worked for a while (anything was better than nothing). My therapist has explained this as a three legged stool...the marriage becomes a two legged stool, out of balance, and we add a third person to rebalance the stool. The problem is that marriage is between two, not three.

A lot of this seems to be about emotional readiness. At the time I started the A, I wasn't capable of facing up to my problems with the marriage. Or, perhaps, I had faced them but I couldn't move my H to respond and didn't want to throw in the towel. So I borrowed some time until my emotional self could get into a position to handle what I had to face. Well...the third leg of the stool wasn't doing its job...it wasn't always there and seemed to be the wrong size. The XMM really wasn't meeting my needs, it was a shallow illusion that I began to see through my frustration with him. So, I became out of balance, again. Being out of balance, I had a choice -- remain in an uncomfortable position with even more complication, or return to the original uncomfortable position and move out of it consciously and with grace. And the latter is what I now hope to do.

I have turned to face the problems that allowed me to walk into the A. The sobriety of looking at those problems makes my XMM very unattractive...I've lost the spark about him. He's even contacted me this week, but I feel nothing and have stayed in a good place. I just feel very sober and very serious about cleaning up my life.

How did I get to this place? Will I stay here? I don't know, but I am grateful for this resolve today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 11:35am
Honey, I know I've said this outside of here, but I am SOOO happy for you!! You sound like you're really on your way to getting "healthy" again.

And while I'm here, I have to add my thanks as well to the board (and to you). I'm not completely "home" yet. I still have to figure out how to get that "third leg" all by myself (the BIG thing for me about MM was how good he made me feel about myself), as well as within my marriage. And if I'd had to do this by myself, I honestly don't think I could have. I would have caved four days ago.

One foot in front of the other, hon. We'll get there, one step at a time, even if it is only a tiny little baby step.