My anguish is suffocating..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
My anguish is suffocating..
3
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 2:49am
My 5 month A with MM ended today. The mental pain is relentless. I went overboard during the phone call, saying crappy things about his wife that I didn't really mean, hating him, loving him, wanting him to understand that I couldn't be his friend anymore (if I ever really was), and in the end just wanting him to hurt like I do. He didn't get any of it, if he did he didn't share that with me. I told him not to call, not to email and not to stop by- this BURNS! I ended up hanging up on him regretting a lot of the things I said, but also regretting not sayng some of things I should of. I feel so stupid, weak and mad at myself for letting my heart go where I wouldn't let my mind. He told me many times that he wasn't going to leave his W- what was I thinking? Must of been wishful! It wasn't just the sex, it was the person. I was in class with him 4 hours a day, five days a week for almost two years before the A began, we were friends. This makes the ending even harder, we can't go back to that stage- my heart is too raw- the craving is to strong. Im crushed and in so much emotional pain that I can't quit crying. I feel like a pathetic loser for doing this to myself, the anger that I feel is directed inward.. its killing me.

I've been lurking on this board as well as the A Support board- this seems like a "safe" place.

Thank you.

~Sen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 4:46am
Sen

There is no easy out of what your going through now, it takes LOTS OF TIME AND TOTAL NO CONTACT TO HEAL.

Know that your not alone here every one here has been there or is there now.

Vent your emotions by posting and consider journaling it can really help more then you may think.

Read lots of posts it will help you to feel like part of the community that you have joined.

In the short term close off all channels of communications, Block his e-mails delete him from your IM buddy list, remove him from your address book and delete any saved e-mails from himor your responses to him, some phone companoes can block certain numbers from ringing through to your phone cell and home number.

Most of all cut yourself some slack.

You will recover from this.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 11:45am
My A ended much like yours did...I hung up on him after saying many insulting things...not in character for me, but I don't really regret it because of the way he treated me at the end.

Free is right...total NC is the ONLY way to go. I've heard stories of people relapsing, and it doesn't do them any good. All it can do is delay your healing.

You will mourn for a long time probably, but that's natural. But it does get better, I promise. Its been close to 5 weeks for me and already I've made a lot of progress. The first 2 weeks I walked around feeling like someone had punched me in the stomach. Now, I think of him less and less frequently.

Just go easy on yourself, it will take time but you will feel better and better every day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 2:14am
Thanks so much for the support, I know it will get better- I just don't want to deal with the emotional pain that I caused myself- I know its part of the healing process so Im letting myself cry as much as necessary... Basically, I'm emotionally drained and its only been 24 hours!

1st full day of NC. I did delete his emails to/from me, also deleted his address from my book. I had to leave the answering machine off while Im at work or I will go OCD- keep calling home from work to see if he called.. this whole situation is just so SAD in everyway possible. Im working on changing my thinking about the situation from "it was good" to "it was bad". I still want him to hurt like I do, I wish I was a evil, vindictive person.. I would like to know of myself why I kept going with the A when knowing the WHOLE time he wasn't going to leave his wife..?? I kept telling myself that it was just fun sex, unfortunately I was falling in love- BIG BUMMER..

~Sen