My answer to why married people cheat

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
My answer to why married people cheat
9
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 5:23pm
and more importantly, why do we hang on to the marriage and OP.

I have lurked (mostly) for a very long time. Cliff note version of my life: I've been in a very long-term affair to MM. I was married for the first year of it and split with now-XH. MM eventually left W a couple of years later and moved in with me for awhile. He left and is now back with wife. We are still seeing each other. Neither spouse knows anything (at least that we are aware of).

Everyone seems to be looking for the big WHY? Or asking, "How could they do this to me (or their spouse for that matter)?" I have come to a long, drawn-out conclusion over the years. It is that there is no ONE reason any of this happens. An A is the most complex relationship mess I have ever witnessed. Why did I leave my H after a year of an EMA? Because I could. It was that simple. I had the financial means and everything fell into place in a way that I could live with. I could not live in my sham of a marriage any longer. I could not cheat on my husband any longer. I guess while I was being a selfish, two-timing whore (tongue-in-cheek here), I still had some morals. I was able to have the balls to make a very hard decision. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. I am now a single mom and loving it most of the time. Did I leave for my MM in hopes that he would also follow suit? Yes, absolutely. But, in the end, it was for me. I no longer loved my husband.

So where's the MM? He lived with me for awhile (unknown to his W). He never properly healed and broke away from his W and family. If his W knew, she say it was because they have kids, history, he truly loves her, etc... maybe...probably not. That is what she wants to believe. That is what she has to believe at this point in her life. He wants to believe that we weren't getting along and he got scared and couldn't depend on me. Again, maybe... probably not. But, that is what he believes from his perspective. He is a scared and undecisive person. Is he fencesitting? So much so that you could roast marshmallows from the woodchip bonfire in his butt.

Why is he doing this to me if he truly loved me? Let's face it. After all of our years together, it isn't about sex. There is a great deal of love there. The thing is, he's not doing anything *to* me. He's just dinking around with his life in a real haphazard way. He's not *purposely* doing anything. If he did do something with purpose, he wouldn't be in the perpetual mess he's in. He has no plan. He has no strength. He's just mucking around in his life and I'm letting myself get caught in the crossfire.

Why am I still around? Because I love him and didn't spend time on myself to see the light of reality. I'm now spending time on me. I can't fix other people. I can't fix their marriage. I can't make him choose me or her. I have stopped taking it personally. Because in the end, I've come to the conclusion that everyone is so fixated on their own mess of a life that they couldn't possibly look at what they are doing to other people's emotions. In an affair, you've got three (possibly four) main, unhealthy players. Trust me, everyone is busy worrying about their own butts.

Which brings me to my last point (finally)... "How could married people cheat on their spouses and don't we think about the families involved?" Let me ask you, the last time you met someone (boyfriend or spouse or lover), Did you contemplate what their extended family would think about you, right then and there when you met? Is that sick thinking? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. Yes, society tells you it's wrong. I think it's wrong. I also think it's human. Everyone is selfish, rude, thoughtless, hurtful, etc. at times in their life. Everyone... OW, MM, MW, and W.

I don't know where my A is going. And, I know I'm getting better because I've stopped worrying about it. It no longer consumes me. If I continue to get healthier and MM doesn't, it will end. But, it will not stay the same forever.

Just my thoughts.

Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 8:36pm
Well said silentbird. And completely on point.

One of the most direct posts I've ever seen here.

Should be required reading for ALL persons on this board.

jmho,

cl-nre

Avatar for casey055
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 7:26am
I agree!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 9:59am
Hi Bird! Your sentence about not taking it personally anymore really hit home with me. I am now struggling over the end of our A, and I think that is the hardest part for me...I feel like he has made a personal attack on me..when I know that there is no way he enjoys the fact that he has to pretend he doesn't see me in passing, or to not be able to call or email me..its because he made a promise to her because that is what she asked of him. He is not able to really think for himself right now, about his wants or needs, but rather what is "expected" of him and I don't think he "really" has a clue of what it is he wants. Its sad, and in my eyes he has absolutely no balls...BUT...I have to remember that it isn't a personal attack. Just needed to ramble a bit I guess. Enjoyed reading your post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 2:03pm
Hi NRE. THis is off topic (sort-off) but I've tried emailing you from here and it didn't work. I've read some of your post and have been on here about 3 months ago. I'm really interested in your story and would love some input on things I'm going through now. I really don't feel like I belong to this board or Affair Support. Is there an address I can email you?? I'm just in a similar situation that you went through and really would love to pick your brain.

Thanks!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 4:13pm
My two main email addresses for this board are cl_noregretsever@mail2world.com or noregretsever@mail2world.com. I check both accounts daily or so, although during tax season I have missed one or two days.....

The cl email address has an underscore between the l and n, not a dash like the old ivillage account.

Also, my email addresses are posted in my profiles--both for this board and the general ivillage profile.

Looking forward to your letter.

As for my story, you can find it in my earlier posts here on the board by using the search engine feature above.....type in nre and click the go! button and every post of mine will come up. Go back to the November and December 2002 posts for most of my history. THere are also more than a few ladies I've been in email contact with here on the board that can also forward my history to you, too. Just ask and I'm sure you'll get a response.

cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 4:19pm
Thanks for the addresses - I clicked on your profile, then on "send email" and it came back, so... go figure! Will send you an email now...

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 4:31pm
Wow , I am going through the same thing. He is not talking to me, calling me or emailing me per her request even though the A had ended. He pursued me to be his friend after it ended and I was being his friend to a point but I had drawn a boundry and wouldn't let him pass it while he was still married. I wasn't going to "go there" again. Anyhow I think he was contemplating leaving her and got scared and realized i wasn't gonna be his crutch - that he needed to be a big courageous man and stand on his own two feet and bascially he could not do it. He went back home and is playing by her rules. Its hard not to take it personally or understand why these men have no idea what they want or why they are so insecure. I miss him but I am happy to be out of the situation. I just sometimes feel like they are this TEAM against me and I was the bad guy and she truly believes he was some hapless victim. Like I question how could he tell me he loves me and has all these strong emotions ofr me one week and then the next week week tell me that he can't talk to me anymore or be my friend. Suddenly I am the plague or something. LOL Anyhow, I can relate but I keep reminding myself that he made his choice and my life is mine to do with as I please as well. And I plan on being happy & healthy. :)

Take Care, Lyssa
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 7:22am
Wow, your post sounds familiar! I've been through the same feelings. Sometimes I feel like I was a marital aid for MM and his W. My MM wanted to remain friends, but my preference was to cut off contact altogether. By remaining friends, he wanted to keep me close in case things went wrong. I didn't want to do that to myself, so I said it was best for me to just cut off all contact. Of course, he thinks I'm being unreasonable. But by cutting off contact with him I've taken myself off the emotional roller coaster.

Something else that is important for us all to remember: Just because we still feel love for MM, doesn't mean we have to act on it or accept a relationship that makes us unhappy. We do have choices. We can DECIDE not to act on those feelings and to search for something better for ourselves. I'll step off my soapbox now. Sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 8:17am
Beautiful, wonderful, truthful, in your face post. I love it :)