My answer to why married people cheat
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| Tue, 04-01-2003 - 5:23pm |
I have lurked (mostly) for a very long time. Cliff note version of my life: I've been in a very long-term affair to MM. I was married for the first year of it and split with now-XH. MM eventually left W a couple of years later and moved in with me for awhile. He left and is now back with wife. We are still seeing each other. Neither spouse knows anything (at least that we are aware of).
Everyone seems to be looking for the big WHY? Or asking, "How could they do this to me (or their spouse for that matter)?" I have come to a long, drawn-out conclusion over the years. It is that there is no ONE reason any of this happens. An A is the most complex relationship mess I have ever witnessed. Why did I leave my H after a year of an EMA? Because I could. It was that simple. I had the financial means and everything fell into place in a way that I could live with. I could not live in my sham of a marriage any longer. I could not cheat on my husband any longer. I guess while I was being a selfish, two-timing whore (tongue-in-cheek here), I still had some morals. I was able to have the balls to make a very hard decision. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. I am now a single mom and loving it most of the time. Did I leave for my MM in hopes that he would also follow suit? Yes, absolutely. But, in the end, it was for me. I no longer loved my husband.
So where's the MM? He lived with me for awhile (unknown to his W). He never properly healed and broke away from his W and family. If his W knew, she say it was because they have kids, history, he truly loves her, etc... maybe...probably not. That is what she wants to believe. That is what she has to believe at this point in her life. He wants to believe that we weren't getting along and he got scared and couldn't depend on me. Again, maybe... probably not. But, that is what he believes from his perspective. He is a scared and undecisive person. Is he fencesitting? So much so that you could roast marshmallows from the woodchip bonfire in his butt.
Why is he doing this to me if he truly loved me? Let's face it. After all of our years together, it isn't about sex. There is a great deal of love there. The thing is, he's not doing anything *to* me. He's just dinking around with his life in a real haphazard way. He's not *purposely* doing anything. If he did do something with purpose, he wouldn't be in the perpetual mess he's in. He has no plan. He has no strength. He's just mucking around in his life and I'm letting myself get caught in the crossfire.
Why am I still around? Because I love him and didn't spend time on myself to see the light of reality. I'm now spending time on me. I can't fix other people. I can't fix their marriage. I can't make him choose me or her. I have stopped taking it personally. Because in the end, I've come to the conclusion that everyone is so fixated on their own mess of a life that they couldn't possibly look at what they are doing to other people's emotions. In an affair, you've got three (possibly four) main, unhealthy players. Trust me, everyone is busy worrying about their own butts.
Which brings me to my last point (finally)... "How could married people cheat on their spouses and don't we think about the families involved?" Let me ask you, the last time you met someone (boyfriend or spouse or lover), Did you contemplate what their extended family would think about you, right then and there when you met? Is that sick thinking? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. Yes, society tells you it's wrong. I think it's wrong. I also think it's human. Everyone is selfish, rude, thoughtless, hurtful, etc. at times in their life. Everyone... OW, MM, MW, and W.
I don't know where my A is going. And, I know I'm getting better because I've stopped worrying about it. It no longer consumes me. If I continue to get healthier and MM doesn't, it will end. But, it will not stay the same forever.
Just my thoughts.
Bird
- Opinions, anyone?? 1
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One of the most direct posts I've ever seen here.
Should be required reading for ALL persons on this board.
jmho,
cl-nre
Thanks!!
The cl email address has an underscore between the l and n, not a dash like the old ivillage account.
Also, my email addresses are posted in my profiles--both for this board and the general ivillage profile.
Looking forward to your letter.
As for my story, you can find it in my earlier posts here on the board by using the search engine feature above.....type in nre and click the go! button and every post of mine will come up. Go back to the November and December 2002 posts for most of my history. THere are also more than a few ladies I've been in email contact with here on the board that can also forward my history to you, too. Just ask and I'm sure you'll get a response.
cl-nre
Glinda
Take Care, Lyssa
Something else that is important for us all to remember: Just because we still feel love for MM, doesn't mean we have to act on it or accept a relationship that makes us unhappy. We do have choices. We can DECIDE not to act on those feelings and to search for something better for ourselves. I'll step off my soapbox now. Sorry.