My arms have finally given out
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| Tue, 08-31-2010 - 1:57pm |
After 7 months of NC, I think my arms have finally given out and I am drowning. I am exhausted. I am defeated. I am sad. I am wallowing. My heart aches more than it has ached since the very early days of NC. All of my strength has been sucked out of me and I am struggling. I've gone through the steps. I've cut him out. I've reinvested in my M, but for the past week or so, I've been consumed with sadness. Nothing I do, nothing I tell myself, nothing seems to be working. I've been reading here as usual and that isn't helping either. I feel so disappointed in myself to be in this place after 7 months... when I really felt home free a few months ago. What in the world has happened? Is this normal? I am so frustrated with myself I could puke.
Sorry to be such a debbie downer. I try so hard to be a light for newbies who are struggling to make it. I don't want this to discourage anyone. I just really need help today.
Hugs,

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Oh Jane,
My rock, my pillar of strength, my hero...always the strong one, you are.
janey jane jane,
you have gotten a lot of great feedback on this thread. one sentiment is being echoed over and over: you've been an invaluable member of the board and quite an inspiration. everybody here is proud of you and pulling for you. of course, that isn't to suggest you have some kind of super tweener perfect ender status to uphold, it only means that your insights have been universally helpful and your achievements have been inspiring. in short, we know you can do this.
but i guess it doesn't matter how much pressure we put on you, cos you clearly put enough on yourself, am i right? :)
as another poster stated, we all experience the end of an A differently. recalling past successes is one way to increase your confidence in future ones--remember in the beginning when you never thought you'd even make it to full NC? you make it sound as if this current state you're in is back at square one--it's not. its another dip on a long road to whoknowswhere. the initial weeks and months are about disconnecting from the A and reconnecting with yourself and your M. but much of the deeper processing cannot occur in the immediate aftermath--you're just in survival mode. so when the deeper processing occurs, when you start understanding and acknowledging what vulnerabilities initially led you down that path, some of the feelings return as well. self deprecation, disappointment, shock. the impact starts to set in and it really hurts.
cut yourself some freakin' slack. it seems so counterintuitive, almost like slack is the last thing you deserve after all that's happened, but being kind to yourself is the only way you can heal. dont be "disappointed that you're still in this place". you're in a very different place than you were in 3 months ago. some aspects of it feel familiar, the sadness and the pain, but you've achieved 3 months more of NC, 3 months more of healing and self understanding.
it has been said many times here that we are in mourning. mourning for our xAPs, mourning for the A and the unique exhilaration that can only come from doing something naughty, and mourning for ourselves, because we destroyed ourselves in the process. and in mourning, pain hits you out of left field. most of the time you're fine, and then some days you're like "omg. i cant make it". these days are normal, they are part of the process. as time goes on, they will get fewer and further between. healing from an A, or from anything really, doesn't mean getting over it 110%, it means getting PAST it. processing it, not letting it stunt your growth or define your future.
i hope i've made some sense here. i believe that the pain and the sadness is part fo the healing process, and may never end. but what changes is ourselves, we get better at handling it, understanding it and reacting to it. you're better at it now then you were in the beginning, i'm sure :)
keep the faith
~Exi
p.s. on an totally unrelated note, i'm finding that i can no longer access your blog...it keeps saying the blog is locked...
Just dont re-enact Debbie Does Dallas !!
The posters have said it all ..... build up your leg muscles.... some of us are still working on the pre marathon stretches, more and more i am realising tweenerville could be just the start-line.
What is with this week ANYWAYS ...September is a new month......
(((((Hugs)))) NCx
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
((((((((((Awwww girl))))))))))))
I hope you get here quickly to see the outpouring of love and support you have received.
To my dearest EAS sisters and brothers-
I wrote this original message at a time of great despair, as you’ve already discerned from the defeated tone. I came here looking for support and was given wings, just as I have come to rely upon, especially in the beginning stages of this ending process. All of your words have comforted me and given me new hope. I have said it so many times before, but this place saved my life. All of you have saved my life. Truly. I know that many can attest to that. Without it, I would have been lost. I would have been sucked back in. I’d still be stuck in the cycle of pain. This pain that I am now experiencing is a new kind of pain- a pain of growth, because this is, after all, just another growth spurt, as New Season so often reminds me. I read a quote recently that said we must be broken down to learn to live again, and I know that that is what is happening to me. You see, the old way wasn’t working, so I have to try something new. I have to change my thinking; change my way of life in order to move on and emerge a more complete and healthy person. My husband deserves that and more. I deserve that and more.
To know that so many of you gave up your precious time to reach out your hand to me in means more than you could know. You are here for me and for each other every day as we work through this together and that gives me great hope.
To amber.skies- As you can see, the flip flop is normal, even 7 months out. And I anticipate more hills and valleys to come, but what I have taken from this is that for every valley, there is a new hill to climb, I face a new hill now. A hill that will heal me. A hill that will bring me closer to complete healing. A hill that will bring me closer to happiness. And perhaps, I will reach the top of this next hill and find many more hills to come, but that is life, and that is what we live for, and that is why we are here. Tomorrow is a new day my friend. And each day on this side of the affair is a new chance to redefine ourselves.
To mom_garfy- Thank you for your kind words. You say that I am an inspiration and that is humbling. I feel so uninspiring most days. This group is inspiring to me. Thank you.
To mom_meandmyboys- Thank you for you sharing your experiencing. If nothing else, I’ve found so much comfort in our shared experiences, and when at first I resisted the advice given here because I didn’t want to believe that what we (xap and I) had wasn’t real, I also didn’t want to believe there was anything wrong with me- that I could have caused all of this pain I am feeling. Blame is so easy when placed elsewhere. It is time to take another deep, dark look at the why’s and how’s of my actions. I am not sure if T is an option for me right now as finances are really tough (I am putting my husband through school full time now), but I do agree that finding help may give me the extra boost I need to embark on the next leg of this journey.
To Bodhi- I’ve told you before, but I will say it here in a public forum. The strength that you have shown since joining this group is admirable. You are strong. You are amazing. Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone. Thank you for holding onto me as I began to drift away.
To New Season- You have been my stronghold for many months now. Always there to lend an ear or send some tough love my way. You have taught me about growth spurts and that has given me a renewed sense of hope to keep moving forward, even when all the lights go out. I know you hate this for me, as I hate it for everyone else here. Thank you for always being there. Thank you for answering my frantic emails all of these long months. Thank you for your unending support.
To TU- You give me way to much credit. All of that strength that you think that I gave to you was actually within you all of the time. It was you who reached out to me when I realized that I was on the brink of real work within my marriage. It was you who was there for me when I faced so many of my demons the past few weeks. It was you who pushed me to be better. I have watched you since you first joined this group- you’ve transformed into one of the pillars of this community. You always know the right thing to say at the exact right time. And time and time again I have been truly dumbstruck by your ability to reach into my soul and put words to my emotions. It is because of you that I am learning the value in true transparency. It is because of you that I am facing some hard truths about myself and making some real change. In short, it is because of you that I keep moving forward and striving for a life free from secrets. It was you who turned on the harsh lights of reality and made me see that I am strong. I am worthy and I will make it. And this marathon analogy is exactly the metaphor I needed to remain grounded in my panic stricken mood. There are no words or actions that could ever repay you for what you’ve been to me the past few weeks. So, I hope that a simple thank you will be enough. These words will carry me through: “Now, we enter the harder places. We have to answer the harder questions. We have to move beyond just asking ourselves how/why we went down the affair road ... we have to get at the authentic answers to these questions. Yes, because we were selfish, cowardly, needed the validation etc ... but why? Maybe our arms will be less tired, when they stop treading above these answers, and instead we use that energy to dive deep into the waters of our truths.”
To pinky- Yes, I think you’ve hit on something here. On August 10, 2009, I fell back into the affair after a 2 month break. So, I am now reliving all of those firsts. From now until January 28, there will be a boatload of memories around every corner. The changing of the seasons from summer to fall to winter. All of those will be hard for me to face and will bring back a flood of memories. Your insight on this subject and the example you gave about your son’s grief really hits home for me. As I enter each new stage of understanding, I am bound to grieve a little more each time. Thank you for sharing your 2 cents.
To Dee- yes, I do remember when you told me that I was a mega-ender. Thank you for reminding me that there will still be down times. I get so down on myself when this happens- like I am better than this; above this, but I am human. And have you ever hit the nail on the head when you say that I am feeling a little sadness and that makes me really sad. Wow. Thank you. I am holding on for that second wind.
To Iddy- Yes, this is the 3rd ending- the final ending. I think you are right. I think it’s time to go back to the start and reexamine some of my inner issues- the ones that led me to the affair and the ones I glossed over at the end as I sprinted towards Tweenerville. If I could afford T, I’d be there, but as I mentioned in my post to Mom, it’s not an option right now. I do believe there are other issues. As I work on my marriage, I feel like a total failure most times, but I just keep giving 110% and hope that one day I will regain my husband’s trust completely. I give and give and give and it never seems like enough, even though my husband loves me and is here for me and is giving me another chance. I have a big hole to dig myself out of and that is daunting me right now. Thank you for your advice. A good long talk with Jane is definitely in order.
To mmlostinfog- Thank you. Not only for this post, but for reaching out on my blog and via email. You always do bring a smile to my face and I love the wings analogy. I can feel all of you holding me up and that will get me through tonight and tomorrow and the next day, one minute at a time.
To greeneyed_phoenix- Yes, I am tired. I am tired of being someone I am not and I am working everyday to be the person I want to be- the person my husband deserves. Thank you for the reminder that it’s a slow process. I’ve seen so many people here say they wish they could take a pill to get them past this- or hit the fast forward button, but then what would we learn? There’s a reason this is a slow process. And we can either choose to coast through and go on living a half life, or we can face this crap and deal with and live a full life. I choose the full life, even though it’s oh so hard to see right now. I relate to what you said about being devastated one day and fine the next. I’ve certainly experienced that over the past 7 months- and even had a couple month stretch where I felt fine. It’s all part of the process. I am looking forward to emerging from this current devastation.
To CSN- One of my oldest friends in this post-A world. Thank you for your kinds words. I can feel you carrying me. And I do know that better days are ahead. Thank you for the reminder.
To existentialist- You have me pegged. I do put an incredible amount of pressure on myself, but knowing that you all believe in me and are rallying around me really does help. Thank you. Today I did feel like I was back to square one and I needed your reminder to understand that I am not. I said to New Season earlier this week that we are still the same people we were last week when we felt strong and empowered. We’ve just hit a speed bump. So we look back at how far we’ve come to garner the strength we need to keep going. So I am taking your advice and cutting myself some freaking slack- but only long enough to pull myself back up by my boot straps and getting on with this journey.
To NC- I am doing leg squats as I type this.
To withclarity- You are right about spending time here and taking on other’s pain. I think that is a part of the process too- to see and read and feel another’s pain in a similar situation. I’ve had many conversations with many people here who all said the same thing- sometimes we need a break, and I haven’t posted here as much as of late as I did in the early days. I do feel a great sense of urgency to pay it forward. The vets here saved my life. I want to be here when I am strong to save some more. But, you are right, sometimes we have to pamper ourselves. I think a lot of here are givers, despite how selfish our actions were during the A, and we take so much on- so much responsibility to save someone else from the same pain we’ve experienced. I do need a break from this post-A world to focus on Jane, but I will be back, better and stronger than ever to pay it forward when I am well enough to do that.
Okay, so that was a really lengthy post, but I wanted to respond to everyone who took the time to respond to me. It will be a new month in a few hours and I hope it is a new beginning for many of us.
Love,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane, all I wanted to say is I'm touched that you took the time to respond to each and every one of us, regardless of who we are and what we said, the length of our posts, etc.
I really admire that.
Garfy
NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...
Fate d
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