my 'best friend' and my partner ):

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
my 'best friend' and my partner ):
19
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 1:24pm

i have never included this part of my affair story. Maybe it's because I felt my actions were so awful that I had no right to feel anything at all - that I got what I got because I deserved it. With the support of wcf, I have decided to share the following here hoping to get some perspective.

Here is the email I sent her:

My best friend and H - they had an EA affair. About 2 months after my DDay. for about 2 months. For those who may not know, I told my H about my feelings for my xAP straight away, and told him the first time we kissed. He never asked me to end the affair, but did want me to try and be honest with him about what was happening and to continue to demonstrate that our family and him would continue to come first. This meant I disclosed the whens & where's ... sometimes this meant that all of us were together and I negotiated the space between us. This was usually at functions, such as weddings, and involved lots of open communication and planning to ensure we could all feel okay. [i know i know - I feel sick just writing it out].

My BFF is the one who told me because she couldn't handle it and didn't feel strong enough to stop it on her own without me knowing. Who knows how long it would have lasted, or how far it would have gone had she not told me. I WAS very grateful she told me (and this certainly frames the torment I had in the affiar about not telling xAP's wife, and why I did opt to tell her the truth when she asked me against her H's wishes).

Apparently they had kissed a few times and cuddled on her couch ... I don't know all of it I am sure.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2010

Dear TU,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010

Wow TU... I'm at a loss for words.

You are such a strong woman and you deserve so much more than all this.

TU, you have to stop putting all the blame on yoruself all the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010

TU you've done a great job by ending your A and going completely NC with your xap, now it is time for your DH to do the same with your BFF. She is his AP/maybe current AP and they should have NC in order to break their addiction. I know that your best friend has been in your life for a long time but your M is at stake and you are allowing them to continue their A while you sit and suffer because of your own guilt. Your DH must go completely NC and you must also go NC with your "BFF" and I use that term lightly. Your BFF is exhibiting very inappropriate behavior to be a "friend". Her addiction to your DH has made her allow you to wallow in your guilt while she continues to get the feel goods from your DH. You made a mistake but you don't deserve to punish yourself in this way. GET HER OUT OF YOUR LIVES IMMEDIATELY and allow your DH to go through the same withdrawals that you had to go through. Send him here for support. They both are enabling you to further crucify yourself when their behavior was just as bad as yours. They have crossed inappropriate boundaries and now it is time for you to take back your strength and STOP this madness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009

TU, my sister -

First I need to throw up on my shoes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Wow mom_meandtheboys... You said it so perfectly. That's exactly what's happening and you are right, H and BFF should go NC... You nailed it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2010
Dee, I felt the same way as you...and surly I did a hack job. But just wanted to say that any support from you is never measly or insufficient!
Foggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

TU -

Of course you are hurting and feel betrayed. But life is not about wanting consequences for other people. As you know with your ending - the only person you have a responsibility to is you. I agree with Mom - get this so-called friend out of your life. Take a breath and read your post again - this time pretend like it's from someone else. What amazing "TU" advice would you give her?

(((((hugs))))))

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010

Ok, this aint my first rodeo but this is complicated....happy you chose to come forth, I have less than an hour so I am going to lick out what I can and then hit ya up via email later with more thoughts. Man, this is tough. Here are my initial thoughts. Off the top of my thick ole head.

First, I do not think you deserved this despite your A. 2 wrongs don't make right and certainly one wrong by W does not justify an H having a EA with his W's BFF. Its like double hurt. Tough. Plain and tough.

I am a little confused, he was jealous cuz you two went out to dinner? Jealous cuz he would rather have gone with you? Or with her? Not clear, you said he was jealous? Jealous of who?

Second, and this one may cause me to eat my words....but as of late I have learned to go with my gut, and my gut tells me you may have to cut your BFF loose. OUT OF YOUR LIFE and out of the life of your H and your children. A line was crossed. It can not be uncrossed. I realize this was your best friend and you went thru childbirth and so forth together but its time to get her out of your lives for good.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010

Amen MOM....amen!!

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009

WOW TU, I am so sorry to hear one of our most respected supertweeners

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3

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