My best friend's H

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2010
My best friend's H
10
Sun, 12-05-2010 - 2:42am

We were celebrating my BFF's birthday on Saturday and her H, who i have known for 15 years, and saw as a brother, cornered me in the bathroom and told me that he "is sexually attracted to me" (gag, gag) and "was thinking that we could maybe have an affair" (gag x infinity). I COULD NOT BELIEVE what i was hearing, i have never flirted with him (I'm not flirtatious), i never had a dday so no-one knows that i'm capable of an A, my BFF is the most beautiful person in the world in EVERY way, he is chummy with my H. I was in a state of shock and panic, i quickly responded with "that would NEVER happen" and i ran out of the bathroom. I'm wondering although i wasn't discovered, do i have the scarlet letter A imprinted on my forehead? Am i letting out that vibe?

I woke up this morning, with a clearer mind, we had all been drinking, and the thought of last night's events is making me very nervous, and sick to my stomach. My dilemma is what do i do from here? Should i call him up and tell him that i am disgusted with his disrespect for my H, my BFF and me? Because i was in the state of shock that i was in, i was totally unguarded and i left the conversation as "that would never happen", nothing more. I really want him to know that it is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE, and how dare he.

There is also the dilemma of should i tell my H? and my BFF? Our families are always together, we also have a planned summer trip away in the next few weeks. I will now feel very uncomfortable around him. If i did tell my H and BFF

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2009
Sun, 12-05-2010 - 7:38am

I would feel like I had to tell in this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Sun, 12-05-2010 - 8:02am

Vanessa,

I had the exact same thing happen to me years ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 12-05-2010 - 9:05am
First, you do not deserve this. Secondly, I agree with what's been said in theory. Third, are u sure that no one knows about your affair? We know one other person does....possible he knows anyone in your inner circle?
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Sun, 12-05-2010 - 9:16am

Good food for thought.

I agree, think carefully before acting.

My response was based on *my* experience and if I knew then what I know now I would and should have gone to both my H and his W.

Another thought is to tell the arrogant jerk that if he so much as looks at you the wrong way you WILL go to both his W and your H.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Sun, 12-05-2010 - 9:20am

First let me say I am so sorry you have to go through this as you surely do not deserve it, nor do you have a scarlett A on your forehead.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Sun, 12-05-2010 - 9:43am

V888, I am sorry you find yourself in this delicate position. I doubt you are sending out A vibes, so quit thinking you some how attracted this type of behavior. You most certainly did not.

Regarding how to handle the situation: I agree that only you know the personalities involved and that you need to do some heavy thinking before doing anything.

I put myself in your situation (in my head only)

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2010
Sun, 12-05-2010 - 9:48am
Vanessa in so sorry this happened to you. The other ladies had it right - you do not deserve this. I would be torn about how to handle this. It really depends I think what her personality is like. There are some women that just cannot handle hearing anything slightly negative said about their man. Is she a fairly confident woman or is she plagued by insecurities? Have you ever had to offer her some tough love and how did she take it? For now I think I would keep quiet. Alcohol makes people say and so really stupid and inappropriate things. Perhaps her H has always had an attraction but has been able to stay on the other side of the line because while sober he knows how completely inappropriate this is. I don't think I would even say anything to the H. Just act like you never thought it happened. Definitely keep your guard up though and if something like this happens again I personally would not hesitate in telling your own H and then seeing what he suggests you do in terms of if/how to tell you BFF. Hugs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Sun, 12-05-2010 - 5:49pm

Vanessa,

While you don't have the Scarlett Letter imbranded on you - and you CERTAINLY do not deserve nor need to take responsibility for OTHER's behaviors towards you - i at least think it's good that you question the message you're sending. That way - if you have any loose boundary messages you're sending (to anyone) you can learn how to firm those up.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 12-05-2010 - 7:46pm

You have set the new boundary between you and this jerk. As long as that boundary was set strong enough he will not cross it again. If he does, then you will need to reset it again by whatever means necessary.

Telling your H might just bring some very unwanted macho aspects into this. I don't see anything good by doing this.

Telling your BFF will only put a dent in your relationship that can never be fixed. I don't see anything coming from this.

If you did the right thing, you have nothing to worry about. It's over.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2010
Sun, 12-05-2010 - 9:36pm

Mia, Renewal, WIWWM, Always, Cait, Newlife, RBM.

Thank you so much for your time and worthy advice.

I have thought about it long and hard, and as much as i would love to take the honesty approach ie. tell my H and BFF, because if it happened to me i would like to know (I know i'm a hypocrite)