As my child sobbed
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| Thu, 08-05-2010 - 10:13am |
As my child sobbed into my arms last evening,
I was overcome with emotions: grief, loss, shame, remorse.
As my 12 year old son begged me to 'let' daddy move home,
my heart broke into a thousand tiny pieces.
As he curled into my lap I held him, this beautiful
child of mine, I reflected on the choices I had made that
brought us 'here'.
Hundreds of times I could have made a different choice. Even after my H knew of the A, I justified my continuing it because it felt good to ME. I was drowning and I decided to take my whole family down with me - 3 children and a H. Not to mention the impacts on my xAP and his family.
To the lurkers:
... not sure that you can manage the pain of leaving xAP, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT PAIN IS UNTIL YOUR CHILD(REN) BEG TO HAVE THEIR FAMILY BACK TOGETHER!
You have no idea how sorry and regretful you will be that you EVER risked their futures to engage in such selfish, destructive behavior.
You can continue to believe a DDay won't happen to you, and gamble away the future of your whole family ... but don't think for a moment that your affair isn't robbing all of them of 'you' and that a DDay couldn't happen.
You can continue to seek advice and support from others drowning right along side you (btdt), or you can reach out of the water toward the outreached hands from the boat just beside you.
We will gladly pull you aboard.
It is YOUR choice.
Remember that.
I hope you will make the right one sooner than later.
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Edited 8/5/2010 10:15 am ET by transcendingus

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That is heartwrenching Transcendingus,
Thank you for that post.
Although I don't have children, my XAP left home 'to be free' for me... he has kids, I don't and this creates a whole new perspective... but right now, i still am in the grips of gettin over this man to fully understand what I could have done to them.
I'm an ender, and I am going to take the kids into consideration now.
Thanks x PK
Ok I am probably not the best person to post to your comment, but I am going to speak from my heart on this one.
If I had been that happy at home, I probably would not have been involved outside the home to begin with.
Thank you for your response. I truly appreciate your perspective; however, your experiences are much different from my own.
I should have included the following: I am totally head over heals in love with the father of my children, my H. I always was, even during the A. I was sick and had unresolved issues related to my own life. I chose a cowardly way of seeking external validation.
My H was unconditionally supportive to me, always. Even during the A, he showed care and concern for the impacts it was having on ME! He would listen as I expressed my hurt at xAPs behaviour. My H is my BEST friend - but I treated him like garbage and totally took advantage of his love for me.
I have absolutely NO issues or concerns with parents separating. None. What I have a problem with is that my children actually did have a very loving, happy home with parents who were in Love. Husband is not perfect, but he was my perfect. He still makes my heart flutter when his car pulls in the drive-way.
I turned to another person because I was having issues within myself. It is one thing to know that your marriage has ended because you have grown apart, or are no longer in love, and of course if there is any kind of abuse, BUT because I had an affair, well to me, there is no comfort in that.
There is just the realization that at some point I had become so self-centered that I believed I was entitled to my A. My H chose to leave, not from a place a rage or anger, but because of how the A had changed me and the impacts this had on his own self-esteem and sense of security. Rather than fight it out in front of the kids, he did the best he could in giving me the space to figure out how to get 'well'.
Now that he is out, he is doing his own work to heal both past and present hurts ... and our focus together is on out how we can be the best co-parents for our children.
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Edited 8/5/2010 10:54 am ET by transcendingus
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Hi TU,
Your posts always are so generous towards your relationship with your
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
Thank you NC2010 (-:
I think it is important for others to know that not all people who have Affairs are living in unhappy marriages with 'dysfunctional' husbands. Somehow we start to convince ourselves of this in order to justify having the affair.
My choice to have an affair was not about my husband's inadequacies, but my own.
TU.
* edit to add: Sorry, little tired today. I wanted to be sure to say, that I do think there are issues/concerns in any partnership ... but that many people make different choices about how they address these issues. SO, bottom-line: as not all people who have affairs are in unhappy partnerships, not all people who have unhappy partnerships have affairs.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Edited 8/5/2010 11:58 am ET by transcendingus
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
TU,
You're very brave and generous to share this intense experience with us. I'm a little dumbstruck by emotion reading it - feeling it, more than being able to wrap my mind around all of it. I get what you're saying on every level and it moves me, motivates me, and makes me reflect and further commit to learning and healing. May God bless you and your family. Your tears and your son's tears I'm sharing with you today. Big, big cyber hug... ((((TU)))).
Love,
Dee
Thank you Dee.
I needed your hug today.
Your message means so much to me, and I feel comfort in knowing that it spoke to you in some way, and that you're helping me hold the hurt.
Love,
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Oh TU,
My heart is breaking for you.
...am totally head over heals in love with the father of my children, my H. I always was, even during the A.....
so
Hello BP,
I have worked as hard as I could. I ended my affair 7 months ago, went total LC 5 months ago - total NC 3 months ago ... I was in counseling weekly since the start of the A trying to figure out what the heck I was doing.
Since ending it, I have been totally transparent, shared email accounts & password information, broke work contracts, moved my office - whatever was required. I pro-actively did everything and anything I could think of. I had also told my H at the start of the affair - within a week. I didn't take the opportunities I was given to end the affair. I was selfish and cowardly. I was hooked.
It was too late for my marriage but the time I could see the harsh reality. My stbx is the other half of this equation. I alone could not repair our marriage, and my H has made different decisions for himself, which isn't about restoring our marriage, but about healthy co-parenting.
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
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