My Experience -LONG

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2009
My Experience -LONG
2
Thu, 09-17-2009 - 4:47pm

My EA started about 2 months ago…it was with a coworker and what initially was harmless flirting, turned into emailing, chatting and physical contact. Both me and the AP are M…me for 11 years, him for 14. We both have kids and are both relatively happy in our M’s. Looking back on things now, I think that both of us were bored in our M’s and found our sense of adventure fulfilled in each other. At first we would spend hours emailing each other, IM’ing and would use each and every excuse we could to have a reason to go in each other’s office. We would even make stuff up. In the back of the office, there are a bunch of old files and that’s where a lot of company equipment is stored…I do admin stuff primarily, and he fools with the equipment…so we would always alert the other whenever one of us had to “go to the back” so we could meet up and have a few moments together. Occasionally we would go have lunch and we would meet up after work for about 15 minutes 2-3 times a week just so we could be alone without looking over our shoulders. We never did more than just make out, although we both expressed how badly we wanted to go further. We even planned to both take a Friday off so we could play hooky together and maybe get some nookie (sorry it rhymed & worked =P). Well, in the beginning, we both declared “no strings attached” however, both of us developed feelings for one another over the course of a few weeks. The word “love” was never used, but we both frequently stated how we “loved” this about the other…he ”loved” my sense of humor, “loved” the way I did this or that...I “loved” the little noises he’d make, etc. 2 weeks ago, while out for lunch, I performed oral on him for the first time. It didn’t take 2 minutes and he claimed it was the best he’d ever had. This wasn’t my first affair, it was my 3rd, his first. I had never intended to have a 3rd affair, but for some reason, the feelings I had with him was different than the ones I had experienced before…I wanted to explore it. We both knew going into this that our families came first, so we knew neither would be divorcing etc. The days following the oral were awkward…he was emailing me less…not logging on to chat but maybe once at the end of each day and the visits to my office came to a screeching halt. I began getting unnerved by his actions…he’d tell me he couldn’t chat b/c he was busy with work…yet I could see his computer monitor from down the hall and CLEARLY see him online surfing the net. Yet he couldn’t talk to me…Then there were times I’d walk past his office and see him minimize his notepad program…he told me in the past that he always types emails in notepad and then transfers them to his email program to help avoid getting caught emailing…he was always typing extremely long emails to someone, even before we started seeing each other…still haven’t figured out who that someone was…but it always pissed me off that he would be typing a book to someone, yet it was taking him hours to get back to me. I could definitely tell something wasn’t right tho. 3 days later we had planned to meet up after work, but we hadn’t discussed the details...like where. Typically, as I said before, we’d IM late in the day right before we got off work. That day, I waited online for him and he wasn’t there. The office was quiet, most ppl had left for the day, so I went and stood in the hallway where I could see his screen and could see him browsing profiles online…all half naked women. This made me furious and sick at the same time (like I’d expect him to be moral or something – ha!). I said nothing to him about it, but asked why he didn’t get online and he said he was “busy trying to get something out” for one of the Engineers…B-F’n-S!!!! I knew different, yet still said nothing. We met up after work and chatted for about 30+ mins before heading home for the evening. I acted as though I’d seen nothing, but deep down I was hurt from the lies and hurt from how he’d been slowly cutting off contact with me. I didn’t understand it. Things were going so well b/t us. The next day, we went to lunch and he told me he wanted to take a break…that he NEEDED to take a break. His guilt had caught up with him and he had to stop our relationship. He made it sound temporary, yet I realized after him dumping me like that…and lying to me…it would have to end. I was crushed. I don’t know why honestly…I mean, this wasn’t my first rodeo…I’ve been on both sides of the coin, so I knew this would one day end and I had a good idea of how it would be. All 3 men I’ve had A’s with were coworkers… mainly b/c it was convenient is the only thing I can reason. It’s been almost a week since he cut ties with me. He’s acting like he’s hurt about the situation. He apologizes for his onset of guilt ruining things and says it sucks b/c what we had was perfect – we both understood it for what it was. He often asks me if I am ok…which I’m a tough cookie so I can cover my feelings well…he says he’s doing about as good as can be expected. But I’m not ok. I’m having a tough time getting over it…just as he seems to be – I can tell it in his face, his eyes and his actions. Luckily for me, he was in the field yesterday, today and will be again tomorrow…so I don’t have to see him again until Monday. The time apart is helping…out of sight, but not completely out of mind. By board suggestion, I’ve made a small list of things about him I did not like (there aren’t but about 3), and I’ve really been trying to focus on all the great things I have with my H-there are many great things there. I’ve got a rubber band on my wrist that I pop every time I think of him, and it’s helping. It’s just hard when I see him, he so darn cute, and seeing him is unavoidable when he is in the office. I do want to remain friends with him, but I am afraid his “guilt” will pass and he’ll be back wanting to hook up with me again. I don’t know that he can handle “just being friends”. I am having to dig deep within myself to prepare for that moment b/c I have GOT to say no. I am thankful that we never slept together…I am already mad at myself for letting it go as far as it did when I promised myself I’d NEVER have another A. I have now realized that I have a problem…there is a void in my life I keep trying to fill with other men. Problem is, I know that no man will ever fill that void. I think the vicious cycle of work, chores at home, kids and zero free time has caused this void. Me & H have no time for romance, though we both desperately want it (Lack of funds, lack of a sitter, etc). I have discussed this with H (not the A tho) and we are working to try to figure something out so we can both be happy. As for AP…I don’t know. He called while I was writing this…not me, but into the office and I answered. His first question was asking me if I was doing ok. I sounded as chipper as I could and quickly put him through to someone else. I think it’s just gonna be a process. I keep coming back to this board to read whenever I feel weak…it helps a lot and keeps my mind off him. I am hoping by posting this, that maybe I can help someone else that is in an A with a coworker. Maybe you are in an A with someone now and maybe this post will help you realize that you too, are actually happy in your marriage, you just are trying to fill a void with someone instead of something. Maybe this post, will encourage you to find out what that something is, and help you to work towards it. Mucho hugs and thanks to all the posters.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Thu, 09-17-2009 - 11:23pm

I enjoy reading long posts - thank you for taking the time.


I am well aware of the difficulties of a workplace A - both very convenient and very destructive. My A lasted over a year and i think the best thing you can do for yourself is get your power and control back.


don't let it mess with your M or your job.


Hugs,

Sunshine


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Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2009
Fri, 09-18-2009 - 4:28pm

Thank you for the support *hugs*


Yesterday evening I was getting ready to leave for the day...I was supposed to get off early - I had come in early b/c the main receptionist was off - and I was so used to working later that it completely slipped my mind I was supposed to leave. I realized