My (final email)...His Reply.....
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| Thu, 05-05-2005 - 12:36pm |
I'm sitting here weighing the pros and cons of this email,trying to decide if I should write it or not.For a few weeks now i've wanted to write it,but I never have been able to get up the nerve.I hope if I get it all out,I will hit "send".
I'll start by saying I hope life has been good to you,and I hope with all my heart you are happy.I can actually say those words now and mean them.At first,I could not.It took over a year for the pain to subside and the bitterness to melt away...and I told myself from the start I would write this email if that day ever came,so here I am.
From the beginning I blamed you,all the hurt and anger was "your fault",I took no responsibilty for anything,even though we both know I'm the one that lied.In my heart there were never any devious agendas or hidden motives,I loved you with everything inside me and I never,ever meant to cause you any pain.I want you to know that.It's been almost two years since things ended with us and I still think about you everyday.It's not because I haven't moved on or let go,it's because I have realized just how deeply in love with you I was.And,I have also realized the regret I feel for how things ended.
I know all the emails and messages from the start were all packed full of apologies,but none were sincere.It wasn't possible to be sincere then,not when so much hurt and pain were involved.I also know all the hurtful things that were said,all the bitterness and frustration I was throwing your way every chance I got.I want to say i'm sorry for every word.I think back and cringe over some of the things I said to you.I was just mad because you did what I should have done,what I couldn't do.I know now that you and I were destructive and neither one of us were very emotionally stable when we were together.
What I didn't understand at the time,(but I understand now) is why you always held back from me.We were never "right",and we both always knew that.I have no regrets,other than the end.I don't wonder anymore why we met,why we could never stay away from each other,or why I even fell in love with you.The reasons are there,and I don't question them anymore.
You helped me learn alot of things about myself and opened my eyes to so much.Thank you for all you gave me and I hope,even if it was just a little,that you got some good from our realationship too.I can say with all honesty now that i'm glad we met and I got to experience what we had.There are so many memories I still hold in my heart that no one can take from me,like the time we went to the coast together,or the time we spent the 4th of July at the cabin.That will always be in my heart,and you will too.
I am happy with my life now and I would never trade it for anything,but no one has even come close to touching the smiles and laughs you gave me.I have a cd of songs I burned a long time ago tucked away in a closet,I wanted to mail it to you,but I never could.I can't listen to it,for some reason I just can't.I hope one day,If I send it,you won't throw it away or be upset with me.
I don't know what I would have done had i run into you when you were here in (my town)But if you are ever here again,I hope I will atleast see you,even if no words are spoken.
I wish you the very best.I know this email may not be very welcome,and I can only hope it doesn't upset you,but it's what I had to do.Take care of yourself...........
***************His Reply***************
Without getting long....yes, I'm glad you sent the email. Two reasons,
one, I now know all is okay with you. That in of itself makes me happy.
Two, it makes me feel better to know I wasn't the only one who hated
the way it all ended.
Yes, I'm very happy with life now. I've changed alot, mostly for the
better....or so I think. And, alot of that change is a result of the time
we spent together.
I'm happy for you,(H) and your children. He's a good man. I could
tell that just from the short time I spent talking to him. Maybe he wasn't
always, I don't know. Perhaps "we" affected all of us in a positive
way.
Wish you the best....Always!!
PS.....me don't think sending CD to house would be good idea....please.
I'd have a terrible time trying to explain how/where it came
from....probably end up with a permanent stutter trying.
Hmmm, permanent stutter......now that part might not be so bad.
Hope y'all have a great summer.
Cya, Vixen
***************************
"Vixen" was his nickname for me every now and then when we were in the A...funny how it hurt when he signed that in his reply......will i love him forever?..the pain has eased but i still feel that ache in my chest.I don't want to feel this way the rest of my life!!

You sound like you are in a lot of pain. Can I share something with you that I've observed from my life and from these boards? It seems generally speaking that people have a harder time getting over the loss of their AP when they are themselves married as opposed to being single. I am divorced myself and while it definitely hurts, I can distract myself by saying I can find someone better and by actively dating. Hey, if I really wanted to I could sleep around to forget about MM. But when you are trapped in a marriage and have to return to the same problems that caused you to turn to someone else in the first place, its not healthy and its not good. I know this from my own experience. I may be alone now and divorced and MM may not have gotten his divorce yet and still have the possibilty of his family there, but I have something he does not. I have Hope. When you are trapped in a bad marriage, you have no hope. The reason I say this is because I just read your post and its been over for a year for you (if I read right) and you still feel sad. If you were single and on a different board, this would not be normal behavior. Most likely you would have moved on and not be still contacting someone who hurt you (justified or not). So my point is, to help yourself and not remain in this state indefinitely, take a look at the reasons why you got in this in the first place. I know nothing about you but there must be something missing in your marriage. You have three choices: try to fix it (difficult lets be honest - if you dont love em that way, you never will), accept that this is your life, or move on. These are not easy questions. I just can feel your pain thru my computer and its just not right that you have to live this way. You don't have to. You can be happy and do better than hold a candle for someone whos long gone. Not trying to be mean at all, hope you know that.
JMHO,
Ivy
I just wanted to say that in my case, being married- made it easier for me to move on not harder. I love my husband and always have. I felt relief to be able to focus on HIM and not feel something for another. I know that won't be the case for people who's marriages aren't good. But not all marriages are bad when someone has an EMA.
In terms of solost's email to her EXMM..I have to say that if you still ache--that's why no contact is important. Your emailing him this, and his response--I don't feel is worth the ache it puts back in your heart. Just my opinion-.
IVY
It is a mistake to assume affairs happen only in troubled marriages ,there are some people that will sware that there marriage was good before the affair but went down hill after they started cheating. The root of an affair can be based in many things from child sex abuse to very low self esteem, bad marriages or spouses are often not to blame.
Free
I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom to share, but I don't. I haven't finished the process myself so I wouldn't want to give too much advice. All I can say is that I felt your hurt and pain right through my computer. I wish you peace and comfort very very soon. (((((HUGS)))))) we are all here...
Liz
(((solost)))
My heart goes out to you. I completely feel your pain and know what you are going through. As hard as it is, you have to take this as a final goodbye of sorts, and start the long process of moving on. My suggestion to you would be to delete this email, so you don't keep reading and re-reading it over and over (like I know I would), and delete any emails/voice mails/etc. from OM that might make it hard for you to make a clean break.
And no, you won't feel the pain forever. With time, it will get better. Keep posting and reading here, and most importantly, keep yourself busy! If OM tries to contact you, DO NOT respond, or you risk backsliding into the emotional place you are now. It will take time, and it will be hard, but you can do it! We are all here for you!
((hugs))
Circe