My first big accomplishment!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
My first big accomplishment!
7
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 10:00am

Well for those that know me and my story....as everyone elses..my road to recovery has not been easy.  I cannot go no contact and to be honest even withouth having to have interaction due to Extraciricular activites we still have been in contact.  However this weekend involved a hotel with the whole 20 families and it was hard. Hard for my H as he felt we were making eye contact, hard to act normal in front of everyone so no one would speculate anything. I wanted to cry at so many times. Cry because when he was socializing with our circle of friends I stayed away...then he would do the same.  I thought why did i do this. This time last year we would all be together, joking, laughing, my H included. Heck my H would have been hanging out with him. Now this year its totally different. 

For the first time I was strong. I stayed distant. I didnt try to find a way to interact, to meet up in the hallway accidentally. I avoided eye contact and I was proud.  Me and my H didnt do as well and I know it was hard for him.  I dont know how he doesnt explode but he obviously has more self control then what my and my AP had right!!! I dreaded this weekend so long and boy when we were driving home yesterday was I ever happy to get home and back to my little safe haven!!!

So I just wanted to post and say that I hope I am gaining strength and becoming stronger and can get him out of my life so that I can work on my own life.

Have a great day everyone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 11:04am

That WAS big!  And it DOES show that you have been gaining strength and wisdom.  

But I have to ask...what do you mean that you have still been in contact...even without the extracurricular activities?  I am a little confused.  You say you cannot go no contact but at the end of your post you state ".....and get him out of my life..."

Not trying to put you in the hotseat, Lilyflower...just trying to be clear.

Clarity

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 1:12pm
Hi Lily,

Congratulations for your new choices. What spoke volumes to me was the fact that you chose not to engage in any covert way with xap. That shows a great deal of respect for all involve.

best,

p
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 1:48pm
Hi Clarity,
I should have said I have been having a hard time going no contact. I have been terrible at it really BUT I am getting better at it!!! I havent posted this although I should that I was doing very well and then he contacted me via phone last week which did set me back....as he said about how it has to be this way as there are so many people that would get hurt etc, implying that he wants to be with me but there is no option. I responded that my children are the most important thing in my life. I didnt give in to any comments he made at all but still after the fact it made me feel down !!!! I so look up to the people on this board who have made it and I know I will too!!! I just need to have patience!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 2:26pm

Keep looking up to us.

I guess we all reach our 'this is making feel down and I refuse to feel that way anymore' point.  It worries me, though, because, I mean, what would your husband do if he learned you were both in contact still?  The question to yourself, is 'why is this one man worth jeopardizing all I hold dear?"

You aren't really gaining anything by remaining in contact, are you?  All his words do is to serve to fuel the fantasy.  You are only setting up the potential to lose what is really important, right?

Please don't push the envelope, Lilyflower...because although a Discovery Day has to be some people's bottom, it seems more to me, from what I've seen, is that a Discovery Day leaves most looking up at their bottom.

((hugs))

Clarity

 


Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 5:30pm
Hi, Lily.

How is it that you're having a hard time going no contact? What is it that keeps tripping you up? Is he contacting you and catching you at weak moments where you respond? (I was nothing but weak moments for a very long time when I first ended. It wouldn't have been hard at all for xap to catch me at one if there had been an opening.) Or are you initiating the contact? (I understand that impulse too. I still feel it now and again.) Maybe this is something the board could help you brainstorm solutions around.

Here's my thinking on breaking NC. NC can be hard at the beginning and the more we've trained ourselves on a diet of emails, texts and phone calls, the more we have to get over when we go NC. When we keep breaking NC, we keep hanging out where it's always hard and we come to think we can never do it. (Okay. Truth: this is my reality with diets.) This is the beauty, in my opinion, of the Tweener, Supertweener and Vet stages. If you can make it to three months of no contact, you'll have done a lot of work to get over the aching need of contacting someone. In another three months, you'll have developed more coping skills. At the one year mark, you're even further along and will have made it through all the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, annual gatherings, etc. that come in the course of the year, each with its own set of triggers.

So, let us help you stop hanging out where no contact feels impossible. I would so love for you to hang out where it just keeps getting easier.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 10:17pm
I think for me I kept getting triggers and I had no self control so when the impule came I just went with it....I would get a little high and sometimes I would think I can do this...or I would rationalize that we could be friends...and we would go back and forth but then I would slowly feel down about it as things were not the way they were. So I would overthink everything and then I would tell myself that I wouldn't do it again. I have done the majority of the contact for sure but he has also don't things to get me to contact him ( again I can't go into to much detail on these boards) and then he was the one that called me last week. So the longest I have gone NC is 8 days. I know its pathetic. I have been prolonging this for 5 months now. I do feel for sure I have gotten stronger. And I really feel each week I am getting more ready to go NC except last week when he called it did make me wonder what he's thinking etc!!! I can't deny that I still love him, that I miss him. I also wish things were different and I guess that will take a while to go away. I want to be out of this. I want to be free of it. I just find it hard to let go. And I guess when the moment comes when I really really feel like I can't cope then I contact him because I just feel like I have too and nothing will hurt more then what I am currently feeling anyways.
I do have some very strong days now and so that's progress...but damn its still so very hard. Its hard to be trying to get over an A and all the while trying to pretend to the outside world and also trying to get your marriage back!!! Well I think I just babbled a lot and I'm not sure if I've answered your question!!!
I am going to start posting here and being more accountable. I need that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 11:05pm

Posting tends to do that...make us more accountable...for sure.  

Waiting to become 'ready' to end an affair is like waiting to become financially 'ready' to have children, no? yes?  We'll never be ready, so we just go ahead and do it.

It is true, sometimes people reach that ready point where it seems easier to walk.  Not many in all the times I've been on the Board.  And they still go through a grieving process.  And, imo, the risk is too high. I've seen it too many times...pushing...pushing that envelope towards a Discovery Day (for you that would make two)...waiting for ready.  The pain of ending cannot be avoided...only put off.  And it will be compounded once everyone else's pain is in the mix.  I don't know why the font got huge here...maybe the ghost in the machine thinking it needs emphasis...lol.

Everyone here is testament to the fact that they survived the pain.  And many people here struggle daily with wanting to break NC, but they don't.  They do whatever it takes to not make contact and the first rule is to come here BEFORE breaking NC so we can talk you off the ledge.

It is doable, Lilyflower...and every one here is doing it.  You can do it and get through it...I know you can.  

((hugs))

Clarity