my form of not looking at email

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
my form of not looking at email
13
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 8:40am

It's Friday and XAP is already circling. He knows about the wedding tomorrow, and I know him well enough to know that he is working himself up into a frenzy. Complete with full-blown fabrications in his mind that I am going there with a man. Or I have been set up with a man there. Or I'll meet a man there. Or that I'll pick up the toll booth guy on my way there.

Instead of deleting emails without looking at them, I can't look out windows at home anymore right now when a car drives down my street. Habit? Wondering if it's him? Both. But it's not a feeling of "wanting" it to be him, it's a feeling of "fearing" it is him. I get up very early, and lately I've been on EAS every morning with my coffee. Sure enough shortly after 6:30 this morning he drove past. The butterflies in my stomach were insane. What he hopes to gain by doing this, I don't know. I seriously don't know if it's to intimidate me or if he is doing it because he's miserable and is a glutton for punishment, or if he's looking for some "proof" that I've moved on. Probably all of the above. I want to hang a huge sign on my house that says "WTF? You could have had me if you would have left your wife. But kiss my a$$ now."

I don't know what I can do to keep myself from noticing his car. I'm sure he's driven by countless times that I don't know of. I can't move the computer at home because of the living room set up and the internet connection. So I will not look out while I'm on it. I HATE the way it makes me feel. Scared - I don't even want the man anymore yet I immediately felt like I was doing something wrong. "What is he thinking? Did he see my computer on? He probably thinks I'm on a dating website." etc. etc. etc.

Luvin said in her post that her XAP blindsided her with a contact after 6 months and it shook her to the core. It's so true, even though you don't respond it sets you back.

I have a long way to go to get this man out of my head. The number one thing I have to work on is NOT caring what he thinks. Not letting him ruin my life - when he's not even in it anymore. Thanks for letting me process and vent!

Bodhi

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 9:21am

I want to hang a huge sign on my house that says "WTF? You could have had me if you would have left your wife. But kiss my a$$ now."


Thank you for the laugh this morning! I needed it. :)


Bodhi, I am worried about this for you. This guy is creepingggg me OUT! I think he is doing it to keep his presence of control in your life without actually picking up the phone. He is intimidating on purpose. It is not healthy and I it doesn't seem like he's in a normal state of mind. With guys like this that felt they owned you, losing that control does weird things to them. Apparently. I am not sure what to tell you to do here, but just keep your eyes open and take care of yourself ok?


This all makes me wonder how my xAP knew I wasn't going out that much. We don't live or work anywhere near each other. Sheesh.


Keep us updated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 9:39am

He definitely doesn't like it when he's out of control, so I know this is driving him crazy. He won't do anything stupid, and I don't want anyone to think I'm being dramatic - what I realized this morning is that I have to stop bobble-heading at cars. I noticed the other day when I was driving that I still notice his car type too - and immediately look at the license plate to see if it's him. And that has to stop as well.

It's not healthy, and it's sad that he's obviously not dealing with anything.

:)
Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 9:42am

Bodhi,

I was the "toll booth pick up" line what got me to spit coffee. Funny.

Dud(e) is pathetic. I don't know about 'creepy', but certainly pathetic. Why don't you change your morning routine? Don't put yourself in front of that window every morning, even if it's an irritant that you might resent. Check your emails and post on EAS once you get to work - take that extra time in the morning to sleep in or do extra dolling up. Or. start going into work early to go online.

Just a thought.
Best,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 9:46am

I'm with wisingup here. This guy is creeping me out.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 10:31am

The Dud (love that) is pathetic. Thank you for your suggestions. :) I wish I could sleep in! I'm one of those people who never has to set an alarm - no matter what time I go to sleep, I'm freaking up by 6 a.m.

What really angers me right now is feeling like a prisoner in my home and my office. For self-protection, I won't come in my office early because I'm afraid he will seriously just come over. He can't just show up at my house like he could my office. I've been trying to not get here too much before my employee to be safe.

I'll just not look and really work on reminding myself that I'm not guilty of anything! That's the hard part.

Glad I made you laugh - I did too when I typed it - can you imagine me showing up tomorrow to this swanking wedding with a gasoline-smelling toll both worker?

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 10:40am

Clarity -

That's what I need - one of those strips to put across my street! His stalking is not new. I know that when pushed, people will do crazy things, but he's a prominent man in our community and in addition to caring greatly about what his kids think - although he'd never admit this - he cares very much what the "town" thinks. So I don't think he'd ever do anything really stupid. I seriously wonder how much longer he'll keep it up though. It's been almost a month of NC, and 2 weeks before that we had a couple of texts and the one final phone conversation.

The price of gas doesn't seem to deter him......

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 11:43am

Hello Bohdi,


Please don't minimize the potential for something to happen because he has children and is prominant in the community. Using power and control isn't something only single/childless/'low standing' citizens engage in ...


I would start documenting the dates/times you do see his vehicle, and continually re-visit what you are doing to keep yourself safer while he is still engaging in harrassing behaviour.


Yes people can go a little nutty when a 'relationship' ends, but sometimes this behaviour needs to be called out for what it is, and actions need to be taken to send a clear message that it is against the law and if he doesn't stop it NOW, you will be charging him.


Perhaps an officer showing up for a friendly discussion will curb his behaviour.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 12:03pm

Thanks TU -

I won't minimize - I don't want to constantly watch for him, but if I happen to see him, I will make note. I agree, who really knows what people are capable of.

I read your reply to Jane and I wanted to say that I'm thinking about you today too. (((HUGS)))) I'm sorry you're having a bit of a down time. I guess no matter what phase we are in during all this, we all get tired, don't we. I hope everything works out for you and your H. Trust is a tough thing to get back. Just like everything, it takes time and proof.

Strange day. Is a full moon coming tonight or something?

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 12:22pm

Hey, Everyone-
Dud hasn't done anything against the law by driving on a public street. There is no evidence of threat so a restraining order would not be issued. And a law enforcement officer would not engage him about it, either. There is a LOT of good advice on line about how to deal with a stalker. Bodhi, I suggest you do some research there if you thing Dud is anything more than a pathetic drama-king.

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 12:30pm

Dee -

No worries - I wouldn't get anyone else (esp. the law) involved unless there was a specific threat - I'll make note if I see him, but like I said, I don't want to seek it out. And I really do believe that Dud is just freaking out that I've changed the game, and is doing the only thing he is capable of - trying to control it.

:)
Bodhi

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