my form of not looking at email
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| Fri, 07-23-2010 - 8:40am |
It's Friday and XAP is already circling. He knows about the wedding tomorrow, and I know him well enough to know that he is working himself up into a frenzy. Complete with full-blown fabrications in his mind that I am going there with a man. Or I have been set up with a man there. Or I'll meet a man there. Or that I'll pick up the toll booth guy on my way there.
Instead of deleting emails without looking at them, I can't look out windows at home anymore right now when a car drives down my street. Habit? Wondering if it's him? Both. But it's not a feeling of "wanting" it to be him, it's a feeling of "fearing" it is him. I get up very early, and lately I've been on EAS every morning with my coffee. Sure enough shortly after 6:30 this morning he drove past. The butterflies in my stomach were insane. What he hopes to gain by doing this, I don't know. I seriously don't know if it's to intimidate me or if he is doing it because he's miserable and is a glutton for punishment, or if he's looking for some "proof" that I've moved on. Probably all of the above. I want to hang a huge sign on my house that says "WTF? You could have had me if you would have left your wife. But kiss my a$$ now."
I don't know what I can do to keep myself from noticing his car. I'm sure he's driven by countless times that I don't know of. I can't move the computer at home because of the living room set up and the internet connection. So I will not look out while I'm on it. I HATE the way it makes me feel. Scared - I don't even want the man anymore yet I immediately felt like I was doing something wrong. "What is he thinking? Did he see my computer on? He probably thinks I'm on a dating website." etc. etc. etc.
Luvin said in her post that her XAP blindsided her with a contact after 6 months and it shook her to the core. It's so true, even though you don't respond it sets you back.
I have a long way to go to get this man out of my head. The number one thing I have to work on is NOT caring what he thinks. Not letting him ruin my life - when he's not even in it anymore. Thanks for letting me process and vent!
Bodhi

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Bodhi,
I'm so sorry you have to go through this every single day! It's crazy stalkerish... did he do that before you started NC? Was he a frequent visitor to your street or is he not coping very well with losing you?
How does it make you feel? Do you still have strong feelings for him and is this desperate process not turning you off slightly? I'm just curious.
I feel for you, and most of all I admire you... getting up early, working away and being active, while massively strong because my temptation would be to go out on the street and ask what he wanted and have it out.
You're an inspiration... keep us all updated on the wedding, and let us know how it goes. And most importantly, embrace tomorrow and enjoy it...
hugs
Pikulou
Thanks (((Piku)))
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He's always done it, but more when I've pulled back - and definitely more in the last month than ever.
I do have feelings for him still - I've been in "love" with him for a very long time. And as much as I wish I could turn it off like a faucet I can't. Despite all the bad stuff, he did have a lot of good qualities too. But I can't let myself dwell on them for more than a second.
His drive bys are absolutely turning me off. I'm sure he doesn't realize it, but his actions over the past 5 or 6 weeks have actually helped me tremendously.
Thank you so much for your thoughts about the wedding tomorrow :) I am going to try very hard to let all this go and just have a nice time. I'll have all of you with me in my mind and heart.
I hope you are having a better day too Piku - I wish I could come visit you! My mom traveled to your country a few years ago and absolutely loved it.
Bodhi
Hi bodhi,
Thanks for replying, I'm so glad it's turning you off! I wish I was being turned off, I'm having a horribly weak, depressing day today... but then your day didn't start off so good!
This pain is the worst... I'd love everything to feel good and enjoyable again.
Let us know how your day goes!
And if you're ever over this side of the world, well get in touch!
PikuLou x
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