MY Health/Good news/BAD news-he fished!
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| Thu, 02-18-2010 - 4:16pm |
I am well. I had my sonogram, I had minor surgery Tues am, and all looks well. As of now, no vasectomy. Just a D & C. I should be just fine, based on what the doc says. So I am thankful. I am so blessed. It could have been worse. Thanks for all your well wishes and your support. You were all there with me.
Thanks so much.
NOW the bad news, I am one week from being a tween, meaning NC for almost 90 days. i have counted those days into weeks and they were like a big S on my chest. Every week was a milestone, I have slowly felt better. I have been loyal to this board and have been really focusing on me. Yes I had some good days and bad ones....esp when I had to go to a follow up appt and then this recent health incident.
Soooooooo Tues, guess who decides they want to talk to me after almost 90 days. MM!! He emails me while I am actually in surgery.. He emails and emails, he goes directly into a delete folder, I would not have seen the emails even if I was not having surgery. Since I do not respond, he starts to txt, have no ideal how this man got my number. But he was relentless. The texts, then the calls, I was still in recovery.
He had no idea what has been going on with me. I have cut him off. But somehow when he fished, it was prefect timing. I was simply unavailable. God is good. The surgery was a blessing. I was still somewhat under anesthesia when I said
I heard it all....I love you messages...I miss you....I wonder if we had the B....yes he had the nerve to go there.
It was a classic fishing attempt. he loves me, he misses me, he needs to see me. he has not ever stopped thinking about me. emails were more detailed and long.....this man ran like the wind and he really thinks he can impose himself on me....What an ego? He needed it stroked.....
I thought he would say all the things I wanted to hear and he actually did....but not really, if that makes any sense...
I thought I wanted my high, my ego boost, I wanted to know I meant something. But it really doe not make you feel any better...if anything it takes you back to full throttle A days. All confused and a mess. Until you shift gears and see things for what they really are.
I was pissed as hell that he would go so far to contact me again. he really thinks he could just walk back into my life and pick up where we left off.
My surgery was a blessing in disguise. I may have answered my phone, even if I did not recognize the number, he would have caught me off guard and I am not sure how I would have handled things....I am not sure, I am thinking I would have just hung up on him. But I can not say for sure, I was rather emotional as of late, due to my health, and he would have been the perfectly wrong crutch. The emails started off so simple. Then they drove him crazy, cuz he put so much in them and did not get a response. so than he went to txting, and when he did not get a response from that, he went to calling and leaving long vm's telling me about the emails and I read them, and I read the txts, and I listened to the vm's. I did not know who i was listening to initially based on the number but his voice captivated me for a moment and then I am reading the txts and the voicemails......I ignored him...I did but he is still in my head. Even more.
Maybe he got the picture? No, I am sure he will try again. He needs an ego boost. He is probably fighting with his wife or new OW or something and thinks he can fall back on me again.
Let me tell you what its been like for me since his fishing attempt. It sucks.....I am ok, but it really just sucks...I have had so much freedom from my phone....did not pay it any attention if it was in the same room with me...even if it rang...I would get to it when i felt like it........but just to show you....since his vast fishing attempt, I am looking at it again, wondering if its him, I have not answered a call unless I recognize the number and I wonder if its him again trying when i do not recognize the number. I am pulled back in slightly...the fact that I pick up my phone to see if its him....from some new random number is making me mad at me!! So I am here doing what I know is best. I am here.
It is that easy for him to have a small amount of control of me...all over again. I can not allow this, I can not allow this. So I am going to block everything -yet again or start with a new everything.
and now I have a plan....A good plan for another fishing attempt that may very well catch me off guard.
New Newbies..U do not want the man to fish, you think you do for validation, but trust and know, you really do not. I used to want him to fish. I obsessed when he would if ever. He did not after so long. Not a word or try, so I assumed he was done and had made my life a bit easier by staying the heck out of it.....
I shoulda known better....so many have spoken of fishing attempts even years later....I should of known that my 3 months did not make me safe from him!!
Surgery day I dwelled on him, because of all the days...why today? I thought, is this some kind of divine intervention? I have let that go...and I am going to fiercely keep him away. He said so much and that is ok...but I can not let him or any person take me down such a horrid past again. I cant. I wont. and I will post any response to him here!! My silence will let him know that I am done.
Any suggestions on a plan? i know that basics...I know some things I can do, but am always open to knew and/or better ideas....thanks

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Hi Luv,
Wow. First, let me say congrats on your 3 months!!! That is amazing to me. I am on day 1 today. You are an inspiration and thank you for posting- it helps to know that somebody can actually do it, ya know?
Also, I just wanted to say thanks for putting that in about newbies and wanting the fishing attempts. Yes, there is a part of me that wishes that sometime he will fish- just to know that he cares/cared or misses me or is hurting like I am. But I know that if I truly want this to be over, then I have to work at NOT wanting that to happen. I really do not think that he will fish, because he was the one pushing me away while i was pulling....so I doubt he will ever try. Still, i have to be prepared if it ever does happen.
You are doing so well, and good for you for sticking to it and not responding to him. That shows a tremendous amount of strength, that I hope one day to have. :) With love,
Hazel.
Hazel,
Thanks for your support and reply...U can do this! It aint easy but totally doable. It has taken me to really dig deep in the trenches of me. It has made me cry countless times, but it is doable. NC is the only way. That has not been easy. I just had to be steadfast. I was temped to break it many times. Many, many times. I wrote in a journal or came here instead. I wrote for hours, I found stuff to do. I cried when i needed to, I slowly laughed and smiled again, i began to REALLY enjoy my kids again, I made me numero uno. I was good to me. I focused on me, sure he crept in my mind, but it was less and less and less.
But him breaking contact just two days ago has thrown me thru a loop, I should have never listened to his vm, never read the emails, never looked at the txt messages. He does not even know it but he was in control for about 24 hours or so. Again, just like that, it was like he snapped his fingers and had me wondering why he was contacting me after so long....its that easy, its a slippery slope. A very slippery slope. U have to stick it out. You can not let yourself waiver. Despite the pain and hurt, you have to just go thru it all. Time is not your friend right now....n it likely wont be for a good while. But I swear if you do what you have to do, stay on this board, stay NC, you will be feel better and even when you think of him, it will be less and less. It will be fleeting thoughts that you can control and manage..and they will be times you get mad, angry, then there will be times when you laugh at yourself....thats when you know your beginning to heal, when you can see you and him for what your were, an A. You then slowly start to forgive yourself for hurting yourself...u ease your own pain and do not expect him to ease it for you. It takes time tho.....
But its doable, you just have to stay the course, a tough one but you come out so much better than you ever were. Ever.
Hugs to you...
and yes its doable and so much better than A life, it just is.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Hi luvin,
I am so glad to hear that you are doing okay and that you had surgery. I was thinking about you the other day, but I couldn't remember your "new name" so I just waited to see if you would post.
Wow, what a day that must have been!
Surgery AND fishing attempts all at once.
Yes, sometimes it feels that we want them to fish, but once they start fishing (and especially when it seems they desperately want that one fish), you think: hmm it really IS better when they don't fish.
Proud of you!!
hugs
HTGO
Luvin~
Thanks for the good news update. You did give me a chuckle though;
<<>
If this isn't a Freudian slip, I don't what is. I think we all wish your XJAM had it snipped ;-) What does concern me though is that you painfully tormented yourself by reading all that junk he sent you. What could you have possibly wanted to hear, and after everything that slime ball has put you through?
Delete, delete, delete!! When you are able to do this without a thought, is when you are able to trust yourself again. We are the only ones who can protect ourselves from further injury when an A ends.
With that said, I am so happy that you are okay and on the mend.
((Hugs))
~ Iddy~
~Iddy~
Iddy,
You are so right. so so right. I should have not looked at anything. Curiousity killed the cat. it got the best of me...and it had me on this little whirlwind of emotions for a day or so. I was playing with fire. I know i should have deleted everything before I read it. i know i should have been stronger. I was just so unprepared for a fish. He never fished and I was confident he would not. That was an error on my part. I thought I was safe from fishing and now I know better. please know that i am ready and have a plan should he manage to surface again. Next time, delete, delete, delete....its been a rough couple but i am doing better now. kinda needed the words slime ball to come to mind.'
it just amazes me how they can think they just impose themselves back into our lives. he even said he at least needed to be my friend, I wanted to send him the what friends really means thread and that I would not be going for it....but i did not. any attention i give him is better than no attention, and i like the no attention part. Please hang in there with me, I just stumbled a bit. I hope my silence is speaking to him without me saying a word.
I thought about keeping the emails....what do you think? only to protect me tho, this man has lied on me repeatedly to wife and many others, accusing me of being a stalker, crazy and obsessed. The emails are my proof of him contacting me....
But then again, I really do not care what he, his W, or the people in miserable and dysfunctional circle...they have no value in my life....so maybe I should just delete him and keep on keepin on.
Let me know your thoughts.....if any, thanks for checking me...I am back to me now. but whew what a lesson learned....he had me actually stressin and thinking way too much about him.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Perhaps holding onto the emails for a bit would be a good idea in case his W were to start accusing you of stalking her little man, but move them to a folder called "Slime ball." ;-) AND...don't look at them again. Just ignore any and all fishing attempts from this point on. BTW, I am very proud of you for not responding to those emails, so kudos for being strong in that area.
I realize you were physically out of it at the time , so I'll cut you some slack. Regardless, considering the source, there is nothing this XJAM could possible say to bring joy into your life. He's a proven liar and appears to have a serious personality disorder, but you don't need me to tell you that.
Love and hugs,
~ Iddy~
~Iddy~
Hello!
Thank you for the update...I've been following your story and happy to hear you are doing well! :o)
Thank you for the heads up on the "you don't want them to fish!" To this day, I secretly hold out hope for the one call or email from him, just so I know he thinks of me/that I meant something to him. *sigh* Thank you for sharing how you really feel about his breaking contact "it sucks"...because, really, I do imagine (if it were to happen to me) it to be this fabulous, closure-producing event for me...what you've said dispels that myth that I've conjured up for myself...
Thank you and stay strong! As for ideas? Iddy's is right, as usual :o) She knows of what she speaks! :o)
Hang in there!
Free
Luv,
Thank you for taking the time to reply. Your post has helped :) Thank you for the advice and the encouragement to keep at it. It helps to hear that it is do-able and that I can actually come out on the other side of this.
It is so good to hear that you are doing better today. (((hugs)))
Free confused,
"To this day, I secretly hold out hope for the one call or email from him, just so I know he thinks of me/that I meant something to him. *sigh* Thank you for sharing how you really feel about his breaking contact "it sucks"...because, really, I do imagine (if it were to happen to me) it to be this fabulous, closure-producing event for me"
Let me dispel your myth further....There is no fabulous thing about it. I was lucky to be in surgery, so I missed the bad break in NC contact experience that I could have had. He said a lot of things in these emails. Probably everything I used to want to hear. I read the emails and read the texts. I read all the crap, I had fleeting moments where his words sounded good and believeable, but then he mess up bad. He said we should have had the B, and then at least, he would be a part of my life one way or another. That sickened me and reminded me of the jerk that he is....it mad me angry that he would even toy with that subject. A subject that is he knows of a sensitive nature to me....Pure discust is what i felt. But he had power again, he had me reading and he had my attention, whether he knows it or not, he controlled me for almost 24 hours. After months he was the first thing on my mind when i woke up and the last thing on my mind when I went to bed. He had me checking my email and paying extra attention to my phone.......UGHHHHHHHH!! YUUUKKKKK!!
I was like an alcoholic who has the bottle open right in front of them. The bottle was my favorite bottle of wine and it was perfectly aged and was calling me....I just did not answer. But I was tempted. The high and fake moment of happiness was mine for the taking....but I had to let it pass.
U do not want him to fish, It takes you a few steps back, I see the danger of breaking of contact more now than ever.....so much more. I have an understanding of fishing and the its harmful effects. I appreciate what I have read on this board so much more now. I can relate.
No closure....if anything its a harsh picking of the scab.....the one that is almost healed and is harder to make bleed since its so close to being all healed. The kind that scars you bad if you mess with it time and time again. Maybe you get the picture. U r opening Pandora's box....no closure, no such thing. I wanted to tell him everything....about me, the surgery, the pain, the doctor visits, the wondering, wanted to say a lot of things.....not nice things......but why bother? It simply does not matter.....so I took deep breaths and let the moments pass and did not respond to anything he said or did. I wanted to. DO NOT THINK I DID NOT. I have to continue to be strong tho.
I learned that if he could effect me soooo much by email, vm's, txts, etc......imagine if this was a two way communication. How screwed up I would be!! So protect yourself. Be thankful he is not fishing. I used to be envious of the ladies who were getting fished.....I was such a dumb A$$. That was when I was a new newbie. It really messes with your head. Its like reading a letter that a dead person wrote you before they died.....Hope that makes sense.
Free, hold on, its so much better, you have been doing so well....try to look at it as a blessing, try to look at it like he finally did something other than be selfish towards you. Not that I want you to view him in a good light, just saying his non fishing self has gotten you here....where you are today and that gives you YOU back. U are better off, you have to feel that by now. U are giving yourself your own closure, one day at a time.
thanks for your support, hope this helps...
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Hey, luv~
Everything
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