My heart aches for him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2010
My heart aches for him...
14
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 6:33pm

Hi All!


This is my first post although I have been reading this message board for a while. I just wanted to get my story out to get your thoughts. 12 years ago I married a great man who I was in awe about, had loads of laughs and fun, and was extremely attracted to. As in every marriage, we had our ups and downs and fights especially when the kids came (we have 2). Throughout the M I feel overwhelmed with work, family, finances

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 7:23pm

Ella,

Welcome. You are in good hands here. Everything you have said is pretty typical. I have been on this boards long enough to almost write a newbies post. If you stick around you will see that we all think we found our soul mates...blah blah blah. Please do not think I am being insensitive, I have been where you are and know your pain, still working thru mine. My heart does not ache for him anymore tho.

I just wanted to say welcome, I can post more later...I will say good for coming here and if you really want to end your A for good and work on your M, then you came to the right place. We are one great bunch and despite our pasts and flaws I am proud to be a part of this community. You will find all the support you need if you are willing to do your part and put in the work it takes...and it takes some work. And know that you can do this...

Get in the healing libeary and read everything our CL-Iddy and Empowerment1 (aka E-1) posted, soak em up. They are the heart and backbone of this board. E-1's post are so long but oh so full of wisdom and healing power...stay here and you will see the healing begin....promise.

hugs to ya for now,

Luvin

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 9:10pm

Hi Ella


What a wonderful post. I feel so much for you. You have made the right decision. I wish you all the best


X


You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 11:32pm

Hi Welcome to EAS Ella,


Congrats. on ending your A (affair). I’m a MW (married woman) and had an AP (affair partner) who was S (single)…well sort-of he had an on-again-off-again LIGF (live-in girl friend). I’m gonna dive right in to your post.


Might I say oh my a post so beautifully written it sounds like a Harlequin Romance Novel or better yet a version of Romeo and Juliet but Juliet is M with kids and Romeo goes to her office instead of below her balcony and calls instead of vocalizing poetry or writing sonnets. I would be in tears right now if I hadn’t read hundreds

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 8:43am

Empowerment, as usual your post was great.


It is so true. I remember when I started my A, I could have written the exact same words. My xap was my soul mate, our love was so special that it was worth hiding out in hotel rooms and stealing moments from my M. Now that I am a year out of it I realize that I was a liar and cheater who felt so entitled that I held on to my M for my own selfish reasons and my xap for those same selfish reasons. The A was so great in my mind because I had to justify my disgusting behavior. I did things with my xap that I should have only have been doing with my DH and I came home and slept next to my DH each night.


Why is it that every AP is our soul mate? Why is it that? What Ella is going through is a typical as any A, sadly she doesn't see that now because her A goggles are clouding her vision.


Here is an interesting article: http://www.womensinfidelity.com/

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 8:53am

Ella-


E1 hit it right on the head- and don't be mad at her- she speaks the truth. She speaks the truth from personal experience and from years and reading your exact story here on the board. She probably said something similar to me when I first started posting and I wanted to hate her and everyone else who

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 9:35am

Ella,


You did the right thing by coming here. This board is full of some amazing, smart and strong women who will help you to see things more clearly. The fog that comes with an A can be so thick that we really do not know where we are going.


All of us here know how you feel and you are not alone. A's are destructive in so many ways yet they are hard to end and walk away from. You are headed in the right direction and coming here will keep you on the road to healing.


I too loved the way my XAP made me feel, we were soul mates. We talked about things we didnt even tell our respective spouses and had a bond that was undeniable. He was very good at reassuring me, respecting me and telling me how much he cared.


But let me tell you, once that A fog lifted just a little and with the help of the ladies here, I was able to see what the A did to me, my marriage and my family. I can explain what I have learned in hopes that you may understand your situation better. It sounds like you and I are quite similar, I too married a great M 12 years ago and have 2 great kids. My M had its ups and downs as well and we became parents first and forgot that in order to be a good parent, you must first be a good spouse. He pretty much ignored me emotionally for years. So along comes XMM and showers me with all that I had been missing....attention, respect, cards, amazing sex. During the A, I saw XMM as this wonderful man who I could have an incredible life with. He would be great with my kids (even met them a few times, WTH was I thinking), we could go on vacations, live, laugh and love. Well my dear Ella, during this time I began to see my H as the bad guy. He couldnt offer me what XMM could, wasnt as physically fit, wasnt as generous or as thoughtful. By seeing all of XMM finer points, my H had no chance, my H was competing against a fantasy land and could never win.


My point is that you need to give your M some time. You have ignored it for so long that it will take awhile for you to become vested in it again. You will also need to become vested in your children again. We have all been to school functions, sat with our kids to do homework or read bedtime stories and our minds were a million miles away on XAP. All of this takes time. You had real feelings for your AP and you will have to mourn those.


Your H has been there for you. I can say that there were many times that I took my frustration out on my H when it was really XMM that I was angry with. My H didnt deserve that. I would cry in front of H and blame it on something else when it was really XMM that I was upset about. A's take thier toll on a marriage even if there isnt a D day.


Please know that what you are feeling is normal. But keep in mind that if you really want to see the end of this A then you must allow yourself to return to seeing your H for the "great man who I was in awe about, had loads of laughs and fun, and was extremely attracted to". The further away you get from your XAP, the more you will look at your H as that same man from 12 years ago.


Let us know how you are doing. This is a tight group here and we all care deeply about one another and are always here to lend a hand.


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2010
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 5:21pm

I can see from my very first post that I have come to the right board! You ladies have so much knowledge and have shared the same story as me. In one way or another I know that what you write here is true, E1 – you hit the nail on the head (or in my heart), but I needed to hear that…for someone to spell it out for me so that I can get out of this fog! My exAP was an addiction, and I am still feigning for him.


GMLB – I have also taken out my frustrations on my H, have seen him as the bad guy. At times when H said or did something that made me mad, I would run to AP almost as getting even at my H for making me feel bad. I blamed H for my A – if he would pay more attention to me, then this would never have happened.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 7:36pm

Gee whiz, Ella. You got all that from your very first post??? I was a brick in the water after my first post; you're light years ahead of me when it comes to accepting the truth and seeing the light. Now that I know you're a really, really good candidate for recovery, I will hop on every one of your post with enthusiasm. You see, I am a tweener... not brave enough like Iddy and E1 to risk emotional involvement until I know a good soul is ready to hear the news. You ARE that girl. Lucky, lucky ME!!!! A new mate! hallelujah!!!

Please, please post again soon?? I am eager to hear from you.

Love and such,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 8:50pm

Dear Ella,

With wide open arms welcome ... I, like Dee, am so excited that you have found us. I am not too much ahead of you (DAY 12). I recently ended a 2 year affair with a colleague that I work with in a very small academic community setting. Much of what you wrote resonated with me - or a me from just a few weeks ago. It doesn't take long for the fog to clear and the truth to wash over you. My xAP and I were both married - my H separated from me in Sept. My xAP told his W he was leaving her for me 6 weeks ago - but guess what? He didn't do it, choosing instead to 'work' on his marriage while continuing to pursue an emotional A with me. That's when I finally said enough. This isn't Love - not even close. I like you, shared much of my life with this person. I helped his W plan a surprise birthday party, was the first he called when their child was born, and even had dinner with his family. We shared a lot. But you know, it never felt right. I knew deep down, that something really wrong was going on. The loneliness was unbearable and I hated the hurt I was causing my H. It was palpable at times. The shame, humiliation and disappointment I was inviting into my life was killing me. Literally.

All this to say, we've been where you are - we've too felt pain that threatened to steal our breath, and those aches that make it difficult to get out of bed in the morning. I have found opening a file for me of all my favorite inspiring posts to be so useful to refer to in my down moments - and of course posting and reading here.

And it gets better ... does it ever.

So Ella - welcome & i do look forward to hearing from you soon,

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2009
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 3:57pm
OMGosh!!!! I just read the article on women's infidelity - the link given in the post.... Amazing, gotta read the book, she's writing about me:(........Thanks

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