My heart is broken

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2013
My heart is broken
7
Tue, 12-31-2013 - 4:56pm

Hi all,

I am a lurker on various iVillage boards. Something devastating happened, and as with everything affair-related, the worst part is I have NO ONE I can talk to about it. My kids are wondering why mommy is crying so much. I have hidden this from my best girlfriends because I was ashamed. I thought I could at least post this here to get things off my chest, and if anyone has any advice or words of wisdom, those would be appreciated too.

I am married with young kids, and have been in a very bad marriage for the last few years. My husband and I barely talk, much less have any intimacy or sex. This was a somewhat gradual shift over time, and it's a long story re: how things got so bad, but it is what it is, and for many reasons, I feel like I can't get out of the situation.

So... I am ashamed to admit, I met someone on a dating website. I never expected to actually meet in person, but this man was SO courteous, kind, supportive, and appreciative of me from the beginning. Before long, we wanted to see each other all the time; the sex and chemistry were great. He was in the same situation -- in a bad marriage but stuck there. 

He was incredibly attentive, caring, supportive, and we emailed every day and saw each other a few times a week, for months.

And then. I never quite got out of the habit of browsing the dating site, for entertainment. Last month, I found an ad that sounded a lot like my friend. I asked him about it. He said, "I would never try to meet someone else when I am with you. I want to see you more, and put my energy there!" I believed him. Dumb.

Then I saw another ad that sounded a lot like him. This time, I decided that just to ease my mind, I would quickly create a fake email and respond. Just to rule out that it was him. Well, surprise... it was him. I was, and am, devastated. I ended it immediately.

I was completely there for this man... saw him whenever he wanted... I don't think I could have done anything differently. I think he is just a serial cheater. And I just feel so DUMB, because that's how we met! I should have known that that's just his "thing." I should never have believed him when he told me how much he liked me and how special I was to him.

So I should have known better, but regardless, this is an incredible loss to me... of someone who had been like a best friend and partner, and I can't even talk to anyone about it and it sucks. I just hope he is somewhat feeling the loss too. 

Thanks for reading, and I hope everyone has a happy new year.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2013
Tue, 12-31-2013 - 6:58pm

I am so sorry to hear about your situation.  That really sucks for sure.  I understand what you mean about having no one to share your pain and hurt with when you are involved in an affair.  He really broke a trust, and I know most people will say you got what you deserved, but I do not think that and I understand 100% the true heart ache felt when you lose what you thought was a good thing.   How long had your affair been going on?

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 12-31-2013 - 10:40pm

Hi EAS75

Let me assure you that you are not alone in your feelings.  Most everyone who has passed through this Board started off having those feelings.

I'm single again, and read a lot of stories of people hooking up on line only to find out the other person was just playing around, or being just a little flirty with no intention of ever following through...and most of all lying...so I'd never go there.  We just can't really know who is at the other end, and people can say anything they want behind a computer screen and re-create names and themselves over and over and over again.  And how are we suppose to know that someone is a serial anything...we can't.  So, let that be your lesson number 1 ;)

Lesson number 2:  Inviting a third party into your marriage isn't going to solve anything.  If anything, it is going to compound the issue by leading us down a very dark path....and everyone is going to suffer, especially those little ones who will blame themselves because Mommy's preoccupied elsewhere, distracted and now crying.    

Lesson number 3: You got caught up in the rush of chemicals and so have a crush.  Nothing more...nothing less.  Just like the exciting beginning of any relationship.  Believe me, you would have remained stuck there because the relationship would never have progressed beyond the initial attraction...well unless everyone got even more carried away with talk of leaving their lives they had created and to which they were already committed.

I understand that you are hurt right now.  Probably more so about being duped.  Once some time has gone by and some distance has grown since this all went down, and once you have a chance to see clearly how you were only headed down the road to perdition, you will begin to be grateful that you dodged a bullet...a bullet that would have caused collateral damage.

Maybe you can set yourself up with a therapist to help guide and support you.  Discuss some of your issues, both individual and marital, get some perspective, ideas on how to address your marital concerns...and go from there.  

I would block this guy from getting through anymore...no back and forth with him...back away from Craig's list or anything like that and let time heal and get clear about where you go from here.

Not many pass through this Board anymore, but I know people are viewing...so lesson 4, you never know how many others you are helping by sharing your experience here.  And, I am here...in and out...checking all the time.  Feel free to keep posting.  Read through our Healing Library.  It'll give you strength and comfort, and solidify that how this all unfolded was in your best interest.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 12-31-2013 - 10:44pm

  It seems that you put all your emotion into what was for him fun.  Now in your life with a nonexistant emotional/sexual life he was someone you hung your hat on.   If you are going to play in this sandbox, you must understand it is not a cure for a dead relationship as it is not going to replace that.  It is an interlude.  That's it.   Yes it may become a friendship with  sex but if you are looking for a replacement H this is not it. 

   If you play this game learn the rules.    It is a fantasy.   It is for fun, friendship and sex.  It  is important not to confuse a lover/FWB with H material.   One thing do not open pandora's box! 

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2013
Wed, 01-01-2014 - 11:03am
It went on for 9 months. :(
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 01-01-2014 - 10:52pm

How are you doing today, EAS75?  Post in and let us know how you are doing so we can support you.

If you are not up to posting in, I hope you are reading through our Healing Library at least.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2013
Thu, 01-02-2014 - 8:58am

Clarity and all,

Thank you SO MUCH for the responses, support, virtual hugs, and advice. Everything you've all said has really resonated with me.

I am still in a lot of pain. The way it ended... me finding out his true colors... does help. I have no interest in being one of many girls or catching any diseases. Therefore, as someone pointed, out perhaps I should not even consider "playing in this sandbox." I know. It's true. I have been SO lonely these last few years, and I initally thought I could do the FWB-with-no-emotion thing, but I cannot. It's just not how I am made. What I want is a real relationship, and this was never going to be it, as much as it really felt like it, in so many ways.

Even though I know I do not want to be with this man anymore, it hurts so much. It's like I need to reset and reinvent so much of my life. We talked every day for nine months. I thought about my week in terms of when I would see him. It's only been a couple of days, and it has already been so hard. The thought of facing the cold, lonely winter with no one to talk to or kiss or cuddle or make plans with is absolutely devastating.

I know it's irrational, but there is a part of me that is afraid that I will never get to feel like I am wanted or sexy again, or be able to express that side of myself. It was gone for so long, then finally came back, and now... I just don't know when or if it might ever come back. I am not exactly a young hottie.

I keep trying to stay positive -- after all, this was never going to work, and better to end things now than have years of my life invested in this, or worse, to actually get a disease or get caught.

Plus, this is an opportunity to get my life in order. I don't know if it's possible for me to be happy in my marriage ever again, and I don't know if I can get out either but... I could not keep going on the way I was, so I need to find healthier ways of coping that don't make me feel like a scumbag. I am not sure what will happen, but this is a chance to find out. Plus, as someone said, the absolute LAST thing I want is for my kids to be affected because their mom is unhappy. So even if I have to go through life without a partner, I can put my energy into being a good mom.

Thanks again, everyone, for the support, and I would very much like to check in now and again.

I hope everyone is feeling positive about 2014! The fact that we are all here... even if things are hard... means that we are on our way to a better, healthier existence.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 01-02-2014 - 12:02pm

Morning EAS75

I'm glad you posted in.  Even through your pain, you seem very clear about getting yourself...your life...back on track. 

I left a 10-year relationship.  I built my retirement my life around him...but I couldn't deal with his drinking and took a leap of faith, ended it and relocated myself down to sunny Florida...leaving all my friends and the area I grew up in behind.  It was painful and not easy.  But we 'not exactly hotties' have the gift of experience under our belt and so know that this is just another loss...and we know that we will grieve through it, adjust,  and come out the other side.  And if we want love again, our heart will heal and eventually be open to it...when we are ready.

I can so related to the feeling of dread and the loneliness as Winter approached; and the past 10 years with my b/f made Winter tolerable. Besides the fact that I couldn't afford to live in Mass on my own with the rents there, I knew wherever I went was going to be 'the' last move, and down to Florida I went.  Bought myself an adorable and perfect-for-me mobile home in a lovely 55+ community.  And not to bust chops, while the New England area is bracing for a blizzard, it is 75 degrees, sunny with a beautiful breeze.  I arrived in May and have been waiting for the Winter to solidify my decision to come here.  Baby, I am solid :)

Enough about me.  EAS75, you are going to be okay.  It hurts like the dickens right now, but I can tell that you will take charge and make whatever changes need to be made to find your peace and happiness.

Yes, please check in every now and then...really, as often as you need.  

2014 is going to be better for both of us.

((hugs))
Clarity 

"You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream."   C.S. Lewis

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board