my heart wont stop - crushed
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| Tue, 11-30-2004 - 1:33pm |
I have read that poem over and over - I have told myself that he probably did care very much for me and may still - but we were in an impossible situation that was causing him alot of pain.
I feel no happiness.
I find pleasure in nothing.
I finally got my H to go out with me to have dinner - he hates going out for dinner!
We had a nice meal and a bottle of wine, but when it all came down - it was going through the motions.......I thought - OMG I am having the same conversation with H as I do with my mom.....there is nothing there between us - we love eachother but we are not in love and look how much of my life I have spent with this person when I could have ended things 4 years ago and we would have been much happier.
xMM and I when we used to go out to eat - we would hold hands across the table - waiters would ask if we were newlyweds....... we would make comments on all the people around us -see how unhappy people are...
People would look at us - not because we were mushy - but because we were shinning. xMM used to say that my smile was like the 4th of July - radiant like the sun.
How can I go on. I miss him so much. I miss spooning at night. I miss his voice. His smile. I miss the way he used to rush to me, coming out of "our house" meeting me half way to the door and sweeping me into his arms and looking down at me and looking so relieved and happy to have me close to him.
How did this disapear from his heart? Did it.
One of the last things I remember him saying the night that his W chased him around town and told him that she was going to tell everyone and ruin his life was: It was a mistake.
Everyone says that I should not care what he thinks - but I do. I would have so much more comfort if I just knew that he did still want me and cared for me......but that he really needed to take care of his life.........somehow.
I would take comfort in knowing that he does care.
How can he not even miss me? He said weeks ago that he had cared and wanted me for 8 years and just because we cant be together while we are married why would his feelings go away.....they could just get stronger....
I dont think that is happening.
When he is at my house - he has not given me anything other than that 6 second look - and I dont know what that was. He has not even given me one weak smile.
I am lost.
That poem is not working today.

<<<>>>
Anna,
The poem isn't working because your mind is too full of memories. You need to stop visiting the past, and live in the moment. Get out of the house. Go for a walk. Go to a bookstore and get some self-awareness books.
Comparing your H to your XMM is extrememly detrimental to your healing process. After all, XMM was your fantasy man, and your poor H could never match up to that. You are not being fair to H or yourself.
Your XMM has not stopped caring. Love is NOT a light switch. He just seems to be higher up on the "Got to be strong" ladder. Are you going to let him beat you to the top? There's strength inside of that heart of yours....try to find a way to tap into it. You can do this, but the journey becomes far more difficult if you continue to dwell in the "would have, could have, should have" shawdows of yesterday.
God Speed,
~True~
Jazzdiva
Jazzdiva
I understand that concept well, and I think the below song describes it perfectly. Sometimes knowing that your X is hurting as much, makes it more bearable somehow. I know mine is hurting bad, and I find this weird comfort in knowing that. Not that I wish him heartache, because I love him dearly...but like the song says "I dont want pity
I just want what is mine". And the "mine" is having him endure the same pain as you..somehow it makes it more fair.
Also, the fantasy of actually living with your XMM, conjures up many images of lots of hand holding at dinner, and loving smiles for all of your days together. That, too, would get old..just like any relationship. I've been married for 20 years..I'd expect if I were married to XMM for that long, it would be just as old. So, we can't keep looking for that feeling in someone else, because even if it's there, and it's real...it will surely fade with time. Try to keep that in mind, ..I do, when I look across the table at my husband who I've spend half my life with. I'm sure it's just as old to him.
Faith Hill
Cry
If I had just one tear running down your cheek
Maybe I could cope maybe I'd get some sleep
If I had just one moment at your expense
Maybe all my misery would be well spent
Yeah.... Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain
I gave now I 'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me
If your love could be caged, honey I would hold the key
And conceal it underneath the pile of lies you handed me
And you'd hunt those lies
They'd be all you'd ever find
And that'd be all you'd have to know
For me to be fine
Yeah.... And you'd cry a little
Die just a little
and baby I would feel just a little less pain
I gave now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me
Give it up baby
I hear your goodbye
Nothins goin save me
I can see it it your eyes
Some kind of heartache
Darlin give it a try
I dont want pity
I just want what is mine
Yeah... Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that your're feeling a little more pain
I gave now I'm wanting
Something in retrun
So cry just a little for me
Yeah... Cry just a little for me
Anna,
I can so relate to your story.
sc
Thank you all........I know I must seem like this rollercoster freak.
I am trying so hard to move on - but this sounds so bad...I never felt love or in love before xMM. Never with any boyfriend - Not even with my H. I was 29 and my soon to be H was 25.....we cared about eachother very much and were tired of clubing and the dating scene....we got engaged and 2 weeks before the wedding (or should I say my parents 35K wedding "they did not have")I and my H had a long talk..........we new that this was not it....
so........I gave it almost 5 years of trying and him trying....but the emotions are not there.
And, I have never been "let go"....so I feel stunted and unable to process this situation in an adult fashion. I feel like I am dying.
I know that time will heal this pain - but will time make me fall out of love?
I just cant believe that xMM chose to deal with his W when he has told everyone that he wants a D.....and he was so happy with me.....but he let me go. I knew that he had to, he has to figure out how he is going to live his life and if he has the courage to file when his W is suicidal and manipulative....and of course he does care about her.
I guess I was lucky to have had him call me for as long as he did, he continued to call almost 4 weeks after we ended the A - and his last words were that he was doing horrible and felt terrible...and that he wished he could come over and crawl into bed with me and hold me. He could have just never called me again after Oct. 20th.
I just need to find that power inside myself that I have for moments of time......and make it last longer and longer.
I had Therapy today. I have a CoDA meeting tonight and tomorrow....I hope that I can practice the Serenity Prayer and mean it.
Thanks again.
I really feel for you. I am on that same roller-coaster with you, though I think I am nearing the end, thank God. Just realize that you cannot control his actions. You can only control your own. Don't lose sight of that. If this man has chosen not to be with you, either through feelings of guilt or obligation or some last bit of love he has for this woman, then it is out of your hands. What I have had to ask myself is, What kind of life do I want? Do I want to be emotionally wrapped up in someone I cannot count on to be there for me? No. I want to be able to stand on my own, to love and be loved in return for who I really am. I want to be the person I am capable of being, not a shadow of myself, dependent on the sunshine of someone else's attention so that I may exist. It even goes to the heart of my career--needing the attention and trust and admiration of others to feel valuable. Yikes. Don't beat up on yourself, Anna. You won't heal overnight. Just be thankful each morning that you got through the night. And you know what? You got through it without him.
Anna,
Please don't apologize.
sc