My H's Trip- From My Blog
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| Thu, 02-25-2010 - 12:40pm |
Hello everyone-
I am a blogger. I do it a lot- mostly for myself (though I do have a few devoted readers). It's my therapy (in addition to this board and several blogs that I read). I wrote something today that I wanted to share with all of you, since so many of us share parts of this journey. I hope it reminds some of us to be so grateful for what we have and could have lost because of our A.
(I changed full words to our abbreviations for the purpose of posting here)
His Trip
Last summer (in June), my H took off on a cross-country motorcycle trip. He was gone for 15 days. He left because he had re-discovered my A. We had our first D Day in early May and a second near the end of the month after I assured him I had ended it. He was so angry to discover that I had lied again that he just had to take off.
He logged over 5,000 miles on his motorcycle. He saw the Badlands, Mount Rushmore, Yellowstone, Old Faithful, and the Grand Canyon- he saw more of America in 15 days than some people do in their entire lives. He slept in a tent. He met interesting people. He rode the twisty mountain roads. It was a dream vacation for any serious motorcycle rider.
I didn’t hear from him much over the course of the trip. He sent text updates with his whereabouts. I wasn’t sure when or if he was going to come home. I was so caught up in my own pain (the A was not going well during this time because I had begged the OM to leave me alone) that I didn’t even know if I wanted him to come back.
Today, I looked at the pictures from his trip for the first time. They are beautiful pictures. He saw things from a perspective that I will never see, but I know it was not a vacation. Sadly, he experienced it all alone and with a broken heart. Standing on this side of the A and having recommitted myself to my M, I am overwhelmed by these photos. I imagine him out there in all that natural beauty feeling desperate, alone, and broken. I can’t even fathom what he must have been going through, while I selfishly mourned the loss of a fantasy.
Unfortunately, I fell back into the A a couple months after my H returned from his trip and we had to experience a 3rd D Day not too long ago. Earlier today I celebrated day 28 (4 weeks) and I think seeing those pictures and remembering what I’ve put my H through is good for me. I need to do it every time my mind wanders or my heart feels heavy in my chest because of m xAP.

SLOJ,
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My heart ached over the way you described seeing your H's photos. When my 1st M ended I did the same thing. I just took off with a friend to destinations unknown, leaving her at her family's home some 500 miles away and traveling another 2 weeks by myself. I was broken and felt like a failure. I can't even imagine how your H was feeling when he took off that day. Lost and broken, no doubt. :(
You know, he's given you 3 chances now and that is very unusual in these painful situations, so all I can say is that this man loves you deeply. If this is not a reason to continue your journey away
~Iddy~
Thanks for the response, Iddy. Yes, it was painful to write- it was painful to put myself in his shoes, but I think it was good. I've been focusing so much on myself throughout the A and even since ending it. It seems to be all about me and what I need to realize is that it needs to sometimes be all about "us" (as in my H and I and our M). When I realize this, it makes me more aware of how foolish and selfish I've been for so long.
I know I have a long way to go. I am just beginning on this new journey. But I am more hopeful that I've been in a long time... and I will keep coming here to remain strong.
Thanks for all of the support.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
jane, your post really touched my heart.