My husband found out about us.
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My husband found out about us.
| Mon, 11-01-2004 - 9:21am |
Hello everyone I'm kind of new to this board. My husband just found out about me and my OM this weekend. I am feeling really really down right now. My husband has told me that if I ever contact OM again or if he contacts me he will divorce me. He has also given me the option of whether I want to stay with him and deal with him until he trusts me again, or to leave. We have 2 kids together. I could be with OM, but I know that I need to stay with my husband but breaking up with OM is making me feel as if I am going to fall apart. I am a SAHM and OM and I have spent so much time together, and we are madly in love with each other. I don't think OM is going to take it well at all. Please help me through this I am so very depressed right now. Thanks.

If you really, really want to rebuild your marriage, you must do what your DH asks - no contact of any kind whatsoever with the OMM. There's no soft and gentle way to end this relationship. It's cold turkey or nothing, and if you've been lurking here, you've probably seen that said over and over and over.
One thing for you to consider, and you may not be ready to hear this: you may think you love your OM now, but it may not really be love and the thrill may eventually wear off. I know, I know, you're thinking that you absolutely adore this man. Most of us thought that as well. Eventually we learned different, that perhaps the other person was just filling a void in our lives or something similar. You may also have seen many posts that affairs are like an addiction. And I really believe this. Having put 9 months between me and my A, at this point I can honestly say that my A was about intense feelings, addiction, escape...but not about love. And while I was in throes, I did believe with all my heart that I loved this man, and seriously considered leaving my marriage to start a new life with him.
The first thing you probably want to do is sit down and think long and hard about this decision - whether to rebuild your marriage or not. Many of us have been where you are, and know its not easy. Feel free to post here as many times as you need to today. We'll be here! Love, Mo.
Hello Sweetness,
My heart goes out to you because I am living thru what you are. My H found out about my A 8 weeks ago and made the same demands on me, no contact ever again with OM. The next day I told xOM and things ended. You must do this cold turkey it is the only way and you must maintain NC. Yes it is going to hurt but you know what is going to hurt more, your entire world being ripped from you. Listen to Mo because she knows what she is talking about, also Free will pop in and so will Posie, all will give you great advice and support. Without this board I would be insane by now and you know IC might help too.
I know it feels like you can't make this decision, that you love your OM more than anything, once you step back and have time to deal with everything you will see that it wasn't really love at all. Trust me this truth is a hard one to accept but it needs to be done in order to try and save your M. Why did you say you know you have to stay with H? Is it just financial, do you still love him, is it just for the kids? These are tough questions, that need to be answered. Not to scare you but hang on because from experience I can tell you that H's moods and mind will change regularly. Have you thought about M counseling?
Hang in there Sweetness and post often. Also you might want to check out some of the archives to see how many others are in/or have been in your position. There are no simple answers to give you, you must look inside yourself and make a choice. We will be here for you when you need us.
DAF
I am not going to give you any advice right now just some information for you to consider.
According to stats and DRs, OVER 95 percent of affair based relationships were the AP leave there spouse(s) for each other will fail in less then one year thats fail as in end.
Of every 100 Affair based marriages 75 - 80 will end in divorce with in the first 5 years, so you get to go through divorce twice in 5 years or less, how does that sound.
The turth is if your XMM is married he is a LIAR he is lieing to his wife daily and what they will do to the little woman they will do to you, bare in mind he had ZERO respect for your marriage.
When you really care for someone more then you do about yourself you do not involve then in LIEING CHEATING SNEAKING AROUND OR BREAKING THERE MARRIAGE VOWS, you remember them the ones you made when you were wareing that wonderful white dress and swore to your husband and God that you would never cheat on him.
Were and when did you lose the real you??
Most people want to blame there marriage or spouse for there cheatimg but the truth is you made the decisions that got you were you are today, you made those decisions because of what is going on on the inside of you not because of your husband or even the XOM, affairs are about US not the other people in our lives as much as we want to believe that.
Affair are not LOVE based dispite what some people may have convinced themselves of, there about using someone else to medicate something in US some hurt or insecurities we have, they are about "ME" my needs my wants.
Affairs are not based on healthy emotions as Poise phrased it (SORRY IF I GET THIS WRONG Ms P) SOMETHING UNHEALTHY IN ME REACHED OUT TO SOMETHING UNHEALTHY IN YOU.
Unless things were really bad in your marriage before XOM came into the picture then your best bet for a happy stable future is your marriage and husband.
Sorry if this offends dear but your at a real cross roads here, make the wronf turn now and you will get to live with the regret for the rest of your live.
Free