my life lesson on opportunity cost

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2010
my life lesson on opportunity cost
13
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 12:52pm

Hi Lovelies

I'm feeling in trouble right now and heartbroken.

Yes it seems my life lately is a huge lesson on the concept of "Opportunitiy Cost" - the definition: this is based on what must be given up (the next best alternative) as a result of a decision. Any decision that involves a choice between two or more options has an opportunity cost.

I felt my heart break a little more last night when I realized something -- I could have had something meaningful and healthy with someone but now it's too late.

Beginning in early 2010, My decision was to fall head over heels in love with the unavailable married man that could provide no future to me. I did this instead of allowing the light in of a most wonderful (available) man who was trying to woo me early last

Love, Sunshine Dedicated to living my new life with integrity, truth and positive thoughts! I am worthy of true love and definitely worth the wait!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 1:18pm
Hugs to you! I'm new here but one of my recent revelations has been all the nice men I dated while I was with xAP and they could have been the one. URGH!

I'll let someone else answer the reasons we go after unavailable people - they'll know more than I - but I know I've read about our needing to heal something else and subconsciously not wanting to get close to someone so we pick an unavailable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 1:24pm
SOYL,
many of us who engage in A's do in fact have an attraction to unavailable men - a while back someone posted an amazing article about it from baggage reclaim dot com - I don't have the time to find it for you right now but I thought I'd pass it along to you so you can go and read - the HL has all kind of info as well - I hope you are reading.

Part of the issue is too, you are still feeling rejected/ended. Everyone that I have seen come and go on this board has basically gone through the same thing - basically when we don't have someone to fill those ego/emo tanks for us, to make us feel like we matter, are important and or have purpose - we start looking for someone else to take that role. It's important to conquer these feelings and instead, learn to fill your tanks yourself. Find things you like doing - maybe something you haven't done in a while and do that - learn something new or my personal favorite - go find someone to serve. It's hard to wallow and need ego building when you are serving someone - I don't care if it's just making cookies (or buying cookies) and dropping them off to someone you know is having a bad day - I promise you you WILL feel better.

As for your attraction. I want to warn you against acting on the impulse to try now and pursue him. He is dating a friend - YOU set the rules of your relationship (no matter the reason) - and he is not yours. You both my have feelings, but you will be acting just as selfish as in the A if you now undo this other relationship because you had feelings about each other.

Be strong girl - I'm proud that you are sticking it out....Read often, post often!
Much love,
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 1:51pm

Here's a good article to read re. "Why women love unavailable men."

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 1:54pm

Sunshine,

I can relate!!

Last year, I began talking to and became friends with the Design Star Winner from HGTV. He asked me to fly to NY with him for the opening of his show. I SO BADLY WANTED TO GO - to be his date and see where that relationship went....

But....alas, xap / jam....had his hand in dangling the carrot out in front of me - manipulated the situation - told me he only wanted me for sex, etc. and I LET HIM...TALK ME OUT OF IT...and NOW?

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 2:04pm

and NOW? Antonio (the design star winner) WONT TALK TO ME. It hurts.

Aw Michelle - you don't want him to do you?? NC = no new hurts.
I'd be careful of posting his specific information as it opens the door for legal entanglements - it's why we stay anonymous on this board...

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 2:13pm

no...the guy I mentioned is the opportunity cost.

Maybe I shouldnt mention anybody's likeness - and NO WAY do I WANT TO TALK TO xap / jam.

NO WAY.

I meant the single guy. The available guy.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 2:16pm

Hi Sunshine,

The article Iddy gave you is a good as is the Baggage reclaim website.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2010
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 8:53pm

Sunshine, I just wanted to give you a hug [[[[you]]]] and say I think all of these thoughts about the one that got away, etc. are just a mental fidget. You are probably going to want to give me a big cup of STFU but, I speak from personal experience. This all a distraction from your own recovery. It is so much more fun to think about the drama of a lost love. I am an artist and a bit of a drama queen, so I know. I can lounge about and write dark poetry and sigh about bad timing and the ones I let get away but reality check, my love...you weren't ready for a real live grown up man love so soon out of your separation and the fact that you ended up in an affair might support that observation. You were wounded. You needed to heal, to focus on you and your recovery.

I know for sure that almost all of us who end up in an affair are self-saboteurs or what I call emotional cutters. We bury our pain and the sabotage for the alive feeling and the cycle continues. I believe from the bottom of my heart, and my healthier, saner friends promise me this is the truth, that when you focus like a laser beam on your recovery, healing YOU and becoming the love of your own life and the woman you dreamed you'd be, that a real live man love will come to you, and he won't have to act like you are yesterday's garbage for you to get aroused. You'll expect him to treat you like the rock star you are or he'll be dismissed. That's how it works for people with a healthy self-esteem, or so I've heard. I look forward to being someone who knows she deserves the best from, and only gives the best to the ones she loves. I am trying to do something every day to become that person.

You are not "out in the cold" sunshine. You are doing the work to become someone who knows a good thing when she sees it and won't settle for less. If singer guy is meant to be, he will be there when you are ready. I say this to myself as much as to you! A wise friend [thanks, betternow] told me to focus on me, on healing my heart and meeting my own needs so no matter what happens I will be strong enough to face it and no matter what happens, I will end up as the best possible version of myself and that is its own reward.

Ok, you can throw pillows at me now, but not rocks. [[[[sunshine]]]

UBM

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2010
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 12:54am
Aw I loved this post UBM! You are a darling and a wise woman. Yes that drama and love lost is a bit exciting. I'm a musical artist and writer so I can be a bit dramatic too. Yes, I need to focus like a laser beam on me. If singer guy and I are meant to be in the future, we will be. Actually I thought of that sentiment all day to calm myself. I'll just be the friend to him like he is to me. Only friendly pillows thrown at you! Now let's get some ice cream.
Love, Sunshine Dedicated to living my new life with integrity, truth and positive thoughts! I am worthy of true love and definitely worth the wait!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2010
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 12:57am
HI Renew. Yes I was attracted to him but I think the AP overshadowed things too much. Yes it wasn't an easy decision and I struggled with it for months. We do have a wonderful friendship and I will just try to focus on my recovery and not do anything to hurt his relationship right now. If he comes to me again if they break up down the road, then it was meant to be.
Love, Sunshine Dedicated to living my new life with integrity, truth and positive thoughts! I am worthy of true love and definitely worth the wait!

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