My mind is racing today

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
My mind is racing today
3
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 9:21am
I can't help but feel blue today. I am missing XMM alot. (Hopefully it's just my hormones!!!!) I am continuing NC with him, tho. That's what I need to do for myself. To be able to move on with my life, my married life. I guess this is just part of "the process" of ending an affair. I think there will probably always be some sort of bond between him and me. I wish I could just make all the feelings go away, and I'm sure they will in due time. But boy it's tough sometimes.

I wonder ........what he is doing right now, if he is thinking of me, us, or anything related to what "we had" together, then I stop and say, why should it matter. The affair is over and it's the right thing to do.

In my friends eyes I am the strong one, the one they come to for advice, guidence, comfort, reassurance, and they have always been there for me in the same fashion. Telling me how they feel, (especially about me & this affair thing) whether I want to hear it or not. But they care about me and my well being.

I will make it thru this, I know it.

Thanks for letting me vent!!

TCOM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 6:01pm

TCOM, I know what you mean.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 6:23pm
tcom~

Honey, I am soooo there with you these days. Some days (a few, actually) I feel so strong and right...but then there are days where I obsess....like you--does he ever think about me, does he miss me/our friendship, etc. I also think, what does it matter, too. Really, if I knew he was hurting would that make me feel better? Would it make me feel better if he wasn't and had moved on? Sometimes, I think that maybe NOT knowing is better...because either way it hurts, but I suppose its just going to sting NO MATTER WHAT.

Its been 2 weeks total NC (actually almost 2 months, save one email, our last contact) but lately I've just wanted to email him and just say "hi, how ya doing?" and I keep telling myself "no, no, no" It wouldn't be good.....if it started up things again it would just be painful, if he didn't respond it would be painful. There is still a side of me that wishes everyday I log onto email that there will be one from him....but deep down I know there will never be. Its just the finality of it all that makes me ache.

You'll make it through...just like I'll make it through...because really, what other choice do we have? Just keep plugging away...it will get better.

hugs~

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 9:49pm
I really believe it's possible to make it all the way through, completely to the other side of this. I ended a 3 plus year A with an MM (I'm a divorced single for 5 years) about a year ago. I no longer feel any bond with MM though I truly believed the first few years of the affair that he was my soul mate. I believe that I loved him deeply. I also believe that continuing the affair over time killed the good parts of what we shared. I no longer feel anything for him at all. No regret, no desire. It's just history.

NC, therapy, and really good supportive friends saved me. I was also lucky to find a wonderful available man shortly after the affair ended.

Good luck. I hope you all find your own happiness -- whether it's in your marriage or in yourself or both! Maybe best is in yourself first, then with someone else!