MY Mother n how she helped me stay NC

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Registered: 01-18-2010
MY Mother n how she helped me stay NC
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Sun, 03-07-2010 - 7:40pm

Hello all

I am on vacay and have not been on as much lately, missed the board, used to have withdrawals from MM, now have withdrawals from EAS...being away from the board had me thinking, being on vacation has you thinking, thinking about the last year of my life, hard for me to relax these first couple of days but I am trying. Exap has kept fishing and he is like those guys you see on TV that take fishing as a SERIOUS sport. He is coming at me hard and I find that IT IS affecting me. So I know I got somethings I have to do. He is not handling this rejection well and it reminds me how SELFISH and dangerous he is.

Now to my discussion. MY mom is in a affair, she has been for over 20 years. He lives with and off my mother now but is still M. My mom refers to him as her partner. Her better half. He left his W after 13 years. My mom waited it out, hurt my dad and thought she got the PRIZE. Mind you this man has had multiple affairs, he even had other children from other women during his M. I remember her from a very young age calling his brother to call him so that he could call her. I remember being in the car with her during her drive bye's by his home with his W. I remember her kissing up to his family and even his mom, she belittled herself so bad so bad. She ignored my younger brother and sister for years. Me and my big sis raised them. Probably a good thing as my mom has other issues other than her A. Which she thinks is not an A. This man does not even have a job. He lived off his W and now lives off my mom. I watched her degrade herself for so long. As a college student I caught her having sex with him in the car (a very small one) at that. I was so grossed out. My mom was raised by step-mom after step-mom, and suffered horrible abuse at their hands, grandpa was a rolling stone. She never had the true love of mother and was always looking to a man to make her whole....Never motherly mom, never baked cookies, never did homework with me, parent teacher conferences were a thorn in her side. She never came to any sporting events. She never came to a recital, nothing. I broke the cycle as mother, that is my greatest accomplishment. But although I hated watching her throw her dignity down the drain, I used to be so disgusted with her....her excuse for the A, "you dont choose who you fall in love with," She really believes that till this day. That her A just happened and she had no responsibility in it. I used to think I hate her for hurting so many people, us as kids, my dad, the OW, the W's children. I always said NEVER me.....never

Well since I am on this board we know that never occurred. I became her. I did not intend to but I did. While I did not go on as long as she did, nor have I done some of the things she did, I am/was no better. I threw my dignity and self-respect out the door. I became who I used to be so disgusted with. I have learned to never pass judgement again, as life will take you placed you never thought you would be.

The light in all this is that she has helped me stay NC. I could not imagine wasting anymore time than I already have on MM. She spent a lifetime n guess what she is STILL so miserable. She thinks she won but deep down she is so sad and miserable. No one respects her despite them living together. She gets upset at holidays and family events that she is not invited to because his W is. His daughter got M and my mom was not invited and she was astonished and hurt....I looked at her like she was crazy and asked her did she expect to be invited? Sadly, after all these years she does not get it. I can never be like that. I have to be better than that. I can never accept than less than I deserve. My mom buys his fam X-mas presents and gets her feelings hurt when she does not recieve a gift...LOL...my mom is highly delusional but she helped me dodge a bullet. I see her and know there is never a happy ending to an A. His children distain my mom but are cordial.

There is never any true purity and joy even if your MM actually leaves his W to live off you. He tells my mom that the M is just a piece of paper, and no need to D, its just a piece of paper. She eats it up. I know my thoughts I not cohesive or and flowing if I were writing this at a better hour.

The point of this post I guess is to explain why I think I may have been able to stay NC. I have had a rough couple of days due to Fishing attempts and knew I had to post here and get this off my chest. I am thankful for her example but so troubled that she is still in this state. Her life has been consumed. I just know but for me seeing her all these years, I may have let this A go on and on and on. I have core issues just like her...I could have fallen just as hard and just long.

Back to my fervent fisher, I like the way that sounds, maybe I should start calling MM...FF....LOL,
Someone posted this and it also helps me stay NC. It helps me when he fishes, I needed to share it with you in hopes that it sinks into me and helps me cope these last couple of days.

"One thing that you have to keep reminding yourself....If he calls you, it's not because he left his W and wants to be with you....it's not because he loves you and can't live without you....it's not because he's so hurt and so concerned about your well-being. He's calling because he's selfish. He's calling to get his fix. He's calling to see if you still want him. He's calling because he doesn't respect you enough to let you live your life and find someone who will give you everything you deserve. He's calling b/c something's missing in his M and you were the filler."

Hope this helps those struggling with NC and/or fishing attempts...its all I got right now and you all of course, Luvin could use some luvin here so I look forward to hearing from anyone...thanks in advance.

Luvin

Edited 3/8/2010 12:06 am ET by luvinmeforever10




Edited 3/8/2010 8:55 am ET by luvinmeforever10
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 1:06am

luvin,
you have so much to be proud of, so much going for you. considering the way you were raised and the role models you had, your depth of insight is nothing short of astonishing. you ARE gonna make it, luvin. there is something in you that will never allow you to settle for less than you deserve--and you deserve the BEST. bravo to you!

lillie

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 9:27am

Luvin -
Big, big hugs. This is probably the most wrenching posts I've ever read on EAS. My heart goes out to you that you had such a damaging childhood with all of this strife. Thank God that you are breaking the cycle, for your self and for your family. It is not an easy task to recreate yourself but you are very fortunate and blessed - you have insight and strength to do it. My mother and father broke the cycle of physical and emotional abuse and were loving and affectionate parents, however, they still carried baggage from their childhoods into the next generation. I see that in my own parenting and relationship issues and I'm trying, like you, to put an end to it. You're challenge is so much greater than mine, though. I really admire your determination and I'm praying for you.
Again... BIG BIG HUGS.

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 9:48am

I can really relate to having a dysfunctional mom. My dad left my mom after 27 years of M for his OW. My dad and his OW had been having an A for twelve years before he left. When my mom and dad were together my mother was cold and distant. I remember my parents' M and I remember my dad begging my mom for affection and my mother has never been able to show emotions. My dad often slept on the sofa. When my dad and his OW got M, I moved in with them as a teenager. My dad developed a severe drinking problem and in his constant drunken state he would call my step-mother names and tell her that she would f**k any man who would give her the time of day. He called my step mom a wh*re constantly and told her that his first W was more woman than she would ever be. Their M was a complete train wreck. They would have some happy times but my dad had no respect for my step mom. He had always treated my mom like a princess when they were M and I NEVER heard him utter the verbal abuse he gave to my step mom. After my dad left my mother, my mother got involved with a single man who basically used her. She would buy him expensive gifts and run after his affection, leaving my younger brother and sister to fend for themselves. It was a mess all the way around.


My step mom told me that she thought she was getting the man my mother had but instead she got someone totally different. She told me that she learned that no good ever comes from trying to obtain happiness by someone else's misery. She also said that in order to gain a man's respect you must always first respect yourself. I know that I will never enter into another A no matter what, and I know that I will never be an accomplice in breaking another woman's heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2010
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 10:11am

((Lovin))


Sending you a ((hug)). Your post about your M was so moving and insightful. The way you can write and express your thoughts and feelings is amazing.


I am so sorry for your pain, but I am so impressed with your resolve and drive to get the respect you so rightly deserve.


I am

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 11:45am

Thanks to all,

I firmly believe that our parents/childhood/siblings etc....shape so much of who we are and it plays out in all our relationships...its a struggle, thank you for all sharing and supporting.
Dee, I feel ya momna, I am trying and that is all we can do. Be steadfast.

Runningrl85, thank you and know that its what you post here that matter, not how well you post...post away and you might find that you are better than you think and/or you will become being very good at expressing things with words as you feel comfortable.

Someone discussed there issues with their mom, sorry I can not remember your name as I type, normally good about that. Thanks for sharing. U touched me and reminded me I am not alone...those core issues affect us. I am sorry you experienced what you did, sounds so like things I experienced on a regular basis as I grew up. The violence lingers, the verbal abuse lingers. I really have so much to be thankful for. My life could be a hot mess...well I am a hot mess, but could be so much more of a hot mess in EVERY aspect of my life. Ya'll feel me?

Dee, asking you how did you cope thru fishing attempts? I used to hope the man would fish when i was a new newbie, now he is just such a nuisance, a monkey on my back....U know what i am up against, just need some ideas to encourage me...anyone? chime in when you can

thanks again,

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 12:06pm
Hi, Luvin-
I was very fortunate in that I did not have any fishing attempts from xAP. In fact, I was the fisher. About a month into it, I caved. It was horrid. He told me to leave him alone. OMG. I wanted to die. I was so humiliated. Irrespective of who breaks NC, though, it always turns out the same.... Horrid. I wish your were able to completely block X's fishing!!! Be strong and remember that you are healing and moving on; if he's not, it's his problem, not yours.
xoxoxoxo
Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 12:17pm
Luvin, how does XAP keep fishing? What channel of communication haven't you blocked yet?

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 4:59pm

Emails at work and personal...I managed to block him, but he makes up some new accounts...he has a bunch, he uses different names etc....he gets thru. So I will open a email that I think could be a client or who knows what and it is him... He even says in the email I know you are getting this
He will even ask a dumb question like "are you ignoring me"

His ego is taking a big blow, I have contemplated contacting him and simply saying STOP CONTACTING ME, threatening him with a protective order but thats complicated and time consuming and ties me into him further. I have thought about contacting wife early on at the fishing attempts....but I do not want to hurt her. I just want to be left alone.

I even thought about telling him I have a new boyfriend (I do not), but I felt like I could say something like you are being disrespectful to my current relationship. I have thought about it a lot. TOO MUCH. I even have a life long male friend who has offered to call him and kindly ask him to stop (pretending like he is my b-friend of course).
So let me know what you think ladies.
He's been fishing randomly for about 3 weeks now....He has not given up.

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 5:05pm

Luvin- Big hugs to you girly. You are a SURVIVOR! Do you hear me??? A SURVIVOR!!! You keep your head high, Luvin, you are breaking the chains from your family line, and that is HUGE. I am thinking about you today. :)

Hazel

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 5:16pm

Thanks momma,
Now you have thinking and singing Destiny's Child!! "I am a surivor, I am not going to give up, I gonna keep fighting"...I think those are the words...LOL

Thanks Hazel,

Hope you are having a good one, I gotta read your post...
Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida

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