MY Mother n how she helped me stay NC
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 03-07-2010 - 7:40pm |
Hello all
I am on vacay and have not been on as much lately, missed the board, used to have withdrawals from MM, now have withdrawals from EAS...being away from the board had me thinking, being on vacation has you thinking, thinking about the last year of my life, hard for me to relax these first couple of days but I am trying. Exap has kept fishing and he is like those guys you see on TV that take fishing as a SERIOUS sport. He is coming at me hard and I find that IT IS affecting me. So I know I got somethings I have to do. He is not handling this rejection well and it reminds me how SELFISH and dangerous he is.
Now to my discussion. MY mom is in a affair, she has been for over 20 years. He lives with and off my mother now but is still M. My mom refers to him as her partner. Her better half. He left his W after 13 years. My mom waited it out, hurt my dad and thought she got the PRIZE. Mind you this man has had multiple affairs, he even had other children from other women during his M. I remember her from a very young age calling his brother to call him so that he could call her. I remember being in the car with her during her drive bye's by his home with his W. I remember her kissing up to his family and even his mom, she belittled herself so bad so bad. She ignored my younger brother and sister for years. Me and my big sis raised them. Probably a good thing as my mom has other issues other than her A. Which she thinks is not an A. This man does not even have a job. He lived off his W and now lives off my mom. I watched her degrade herself for so long. As a college student I caught her having sex with him in the car (a very small one) at that. I was so grossed out. My mom was raised by step-mom after step-mom, and suffered horrible abuse at their hands, grandpa was a rolling stone. She never had the true love of mother and was always looking to a man to make her whole....Never motherly mom, never baked cookies, never did homework with me, parent teacher conferences were a thorn in her side. She never came to any sporting events. She never came to a recital, nothing. I broke the cycle as mother, that is my greatest accomplishment. But although I hated watching her throw her dignity down the drain, I used to be so disgusted with her....her excuse for the A, "you dont choose who you fall in love with," She really believes that till this day. That her A just happened and she had no responsibility in it. I used to think I hate her for hurting so many people, us as kids, my dad, the OW, the W's children. I always said NEVER me.....never
Well since I am on this board we know that never occurred. I became her. I did not intend to but I did. While I did not go on as long as she did, nor have I done some of the things she did, I am/was no better. I threw my dignity and self-respect out the door. I became who I used to be so disgusted with. I have learned to never pass judgement again, as life will take you placed you never thought you would be.
The light in all this is that she has helped me stay NC. I could not imagine wasting anymore time than I already have on MM. She spent a lifetime n guess what she is STILL so miserable. She thinks she won but deep down she is so sad and miserable. No one respects her despite them living together. She gets upset at holidays and family events that she is not invited to because his W is. His daughter got M and my mom was not invited and she was astonished and hurt....I looked at her like she was crazy and asked her did she expect to be invited? Sadly, after all these years she does not get it. I can never be like that. I have to be better than that. I can never accept than less than I deserve. My mom buys his fam X-mas presents and gets her feelings hurt when she does not recieve a gift...LOL...my mom is highly delusional but she helped me dodge a bullet. I see her and know there is never a happy ending to an A. His children distain my mom but are cordial.
There is never any true purity and joy even if your MM actually leaves his W to live off you. He tells my mom that the M is just a piece of paper, and no need to D, its just a piece of paper. She eats it up. I know my thoughts I not cohesive or and flowing if I were writing this at a better hour.
The point of this post I guess is to explain why I think I may have been able to stay NC. I have had a rough couple of days due to Fishing attempts and knew I had to post here and get this off my chest. I am thankful for her example but so troubled that she is still in this state. Her life has been consumed. I just know but for me seeing her all these years, I may have let this A go on and on and on. I have core issues just like her...I could have fallen just as hard and just long.
Back to my fervent fisher, I like the way that sounds, maybe I should start calling MM...FF....LOL,
Someone posted this and it also helps me stay NC. It helps me when he fishes, I needed to share it with you in hopes that it sinks into me and helps me cope these last couple of days.
"One thing that you have to keep reminding yourself....If he calls you, it's not because he left his W and wants to be with you....it's not because he loves you and can't live without you....it's not because he's so hurt and so concerned about your well-being. He's calling because he's selfish. He's calling to get his fix. He's calling to see if you still want him. He's calling because he doesn't respect you enough to let you live your life and find someone who will give you everything you deserve. He's calling b/c something's missing in his M and you were the filler."
Hope this helps those struggling with NC and/or fishing attempts...its all I got right now and you all of course, Luvin could use some luvin here so I look forward to hearing from anyone...thanks in advance.
Luvin
Edited 3/8/2010 12:06 am ET by luvinmeforever10
Edited 3/8/2010 8:55 am ET by luvinmeforever10

Pages
Hi Luvin,
You’re post shows strength and proves that we can break negative cycles.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
E-1,
Just wanted to say thank you. As usual, you give me a perspective that resonates. Oh and yeah the RO would be a far stretch... just figured me filing would scare him away...but so not worth the energy. I am going to sit on my hands. I appreciate your visual of the fish and bait and how you simplified it to him being a nuisance (annoying), I can handle that, then click delete and laugh or roll my eyes...
You probably know that early on he never fished, and early on you and others gave me advice about fishing, words of MM etc... because I was obsessed with whether he would fish. The board set me straight. That obsessing died. Here again, months later, you are still here, giving me your time, thank you.
While I am not obsessing about his recent attempts, I need not make em an issue, just like then, although raw and wounded, I need not have made it an issue. Not let it rule me. I am KEEPING my power. Maintenance is key. Thanks for the enlightening tune up.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Pages