my nightmarish d-day and story

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
my nightmarish d-day and story
21
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 3:08pm

I've been a part of EAS, MAS and AAS for nearly a year and a half with no success. I have felt like a failure and stopped much of my posting due to my weakness. Plus the fact that I really really thought my story was "different". That somehow I would make it out to be the lucky 1-3% of people who have a storybook relationship out of an A. I lost.

My A lasted almost exactly 2 years. He was an old college boyfriend. He was M for 20 years, me for 10. Both with children. Ours was not a typical affair. It truly went up many, many notches. And here's how....

He convinced me he was leaving her. He had more money than anyone I know. He took me on lavish trips and bought me lavish gifts. He even bought me a diamond and opal ring and got on bended knee and presented it as a "promise" ring. He bought us a $400k home in his city (we live 3 states apart), a brand new SUV, hired a decorator to fully decorate the home, gave me a credit card to purchase and send to "our" home anything to get it ready for my arrival. He even went so far as to plan the honeymoon. He purchased things down to details. A cute wreath for the front door, cute furnishings of things we together loved, an fully stocked the freezer with food. This is all confirmed. He pre-enrolled my daughter in his son's private school. He even visited me a week prior to Christmas and gave me a Hallmark card reading "To my Wife" on the front with $1500 cash in it. He referred to the children as "ours" in every conversation. He had seperate bank accounts set up and ready for his divorce. He bought the plane tickets for me to fly out after his planned "d-day".

The planned D-day for him was to be the day after Christmas. Over the course of the past few months I had uneasiness creep in but he always countered with 100 texts a day, 5 or 6 phone calls, and dozens of romantic emails. We blamed it on the tension of endng our marriages. My marriage had been terrible for years, his was "tolerable" in his own words. He was a serious christian man, best friends with the pastor of his church, on the school board of his sons christian school and his wife never worked outside the home. She was pampered and spoiled and lead bible studies at their church.

I was troubled by the fact that I was leaving my comfort zone, my job, my everything to move to his territory and start a life born out of an affair. He was convincing that we had every piece of compatibility we needed and he would cherish me, the love of his life, forever. He told me hourly that I could "fall back" and trust him forever. He would never let me down (as my husband had over and over). The words were what my empty heart longed for.

Sound like fantasy and fairy tale? Yes. But my addiction was in full force. On the d-day as I waited for his call (after 7 or 8 texts telling me that soon he would be a free man...this day was imminent, our future was starting, blah blah) I got a call from his wife telling me to stay away and that I would NEVER have her husband. An hour later I got a 3 minute phone call from him saying "a miracle had occurred...he saw the face of Jesus...and he was staying with his family".....he used my name (which he rarely did, sounded robotic and emotionless, and walked right out of my life. I have received 2 follow up emails that were equally cold saying he was sorry to hurt me and that I should move on.

This was the man I thought was giving me a new life? In a matter of minutes it was as though fantasy colllided with reality. I had to them divulge my own d-day with my husband that very day. This all happened 18 days ago and each day I have realized that I might survive this. The first few days I wasn't so sure. I've always had troubled relationships. I have lots of childhood trauma and know that abandonment is huge for me. But I'm also a survivor. This man took me at my most vulnerable phase and brainwashed me. And I willingly participated.

I KNEW in my gut that somehow this wouldn't work. MANY times over the previous year and a half I visited these boards, poured over everything on affairs, and educated myself. I went to individual counseling the entire course of the A and could never rip myself away from the addiction. And now, it has happened on its own and I have broken into a million tiny pieces.

My only saving grace has been a support group I joined for people with addictive relaltionships/sex addiction etc. about a month prior to this ending. I'm trying to do the work I need now. But the heartache and tragedy is over. No longer do I have even a bit of hope. He's gone. He chose his W. They went away to a treatment center to heal. My marriage is most likely going to end.

But I'm still here. And I will survive and thrive in time. The therapists have told me healing a love addiction is harder than healing a drug/alcohol addiction. I have no choice but to move forward.

The hurt is raw. But after reading everything I can, reading these posts, the healing library, and living minute to minute...I have to keep hope. I'm here to stay at EAS.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 3:36pm

Life,


Hi.


Wow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 4:12pm

I agree, WOW.


I know it hurts, but BE GLAD TO BE FREE! He did you both a favor by ending it BEFORE you moved out there and relocated your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 5:01pm

Hi Life,


Your story is definitely unlike many others.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2009
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 5:19pm

I was so sorry to read your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 5:30pm

Flying,


Thank you for your words of comfort.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 5:38pm

Heart,


Wow, 7 years huh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 5:51pm

Mickey,


You aren't being nosy in the least and I feel like at this point I need to purge all this out anyway so I can find some relief...carrying this secret has just about done me in. ):


My xAP and I got reaquainted through classmates.com and we really developed a friendship first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 7:09pm

He sounds Narcassistic.

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2008
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 8:09pm
I read something the other day that seems fitting here. "Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck." I read this line over and over again and it ultimately made me feel a little better. Just imagine if you had actually moved to the other state, uprooted your whole life...and then he went back to his wife then after having a "vision of Jesus" or whatever he told you. I am so sorry you have gone through this terrible ordeal, but your story actually makes me see reality a little better. Your story did sound like a fairytale. It makes me realize that my situation, and it is no fairytale-believe me-will never be the way I fantasized it to be. Nothing born out of affairs will end up good. So, be glad you got out now. It is never too late to get your life back. Bestof luck to you and glad you are here!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 8:54pm

Energy,


I'm seeing a therapist once a week and it's only been twice now since the ending of this ordeal.

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