my nightmarish d-day and story

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
my nightmarish d-day and story
21
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 3:08pm

I've been a part of EAS, MAS and AAS for nearly a year and a half with no success. I have felt like a failure and stopped much of my posting due to my weakness. Plus the fact that I really really thought my story was "different". That somehow I would make it out to be the lucky 1-3% of people who have a storybook relationship out of an A. I lost.

My A lasted almost exactly 2 years. He was an old college boyfriend. He was M for 20 years, me for 10. Both with children. Ours was not a typical affair. It truly went up many, many notches. And here's how....

He convinced me he was leaving her. He had more money than anyone I know. He took me on lavish trips and bought me lavish gifts. He even bought me a diamond and opal ring and got on bended knee and presented it as a "promise" ring. He bought us a $400k home in his city (we live 3 states apart), a brand new SUV, hired a decorator to fully decorate the home, gave me a credit card to purchase and send to "our" home anything to get it ready for my arrival. He even went so far as to plan the honeymoon. He purchased things down to details. A cute wreath for the front door, cute furnishings of things we together loved, an fully stocked the freezer with food. This is all confirmed. He pre-enrolled my daughter in his son's private school. He even visited me a week prior to Christmas and gave me a Hallmark card reading "To my Wife" on the front with $1500 cash in it. He referred to the children as "ours" in every conversation. He had seperate bank accounts set up and ready for his divorce. He bought the plane tickets for me to fly out after his planned "d-day".

The planned D-day for him was to be the day after Christmas. Over the course of the past few months I had uneasiness creep in but he always countered with 100 texts a day, 5 or 6 phone calls, and dozens of romantic emails. We blamed it on the tension of endng our marriages. My marriage had been terrible for years, his was "tolerable" in his own words. He was a serious christian man, best friends with the pastor of his church, on the school board of his sons christian school and his wife never worked outside the home. She was pampered and spoiled and lead bible studies at their church.

I was troubled by the fact that I was leaving my comfort zone, my job, my everything to move to his territory and start a life born out of an affair. He was convincing that we had every piece of compatibility we needed and he would cherish me, the love of his life, forever. He told me hourly that I could "fall back" and trust him forever. He would never let me down (as my husband had over and over). The words were what my empty heart longed for.

Sound like fantasy and fairy tale? Yes. But my addiction was in full force. On the d-day as I waited for his call (after 7 or 8 texts telling me that soon he would be a free man...this day was imminent, our future was starting, blah blah) I got a call from his wife telling me to stay away and that I would NEVER have her husband. An hour later I got a 3 minute phone call from him saying "a miracle had occurred...he saw the face of Jesus...and he was staying with his family".....he used my name (which he rarely did, sounded robotic and emotionless, and walked right out of my life. I have received 2 follow up emails that were equally cold saying he was sorry to hurt me and that I should move on.

This was the man I thought was giving me a new life? In a matter of minutes it was as though fantasy colllided with reality. I had to them divulge my own d-day with my husband that very day. This all happened 18 days ago and each day I have realized that I might survive this. The first few days I wasn't so sure. I've always had troubled relationships. I have lots of childhood trauma and know that abandonment is huge for me. But I'm also a survivor. This man took me at my most vulnerable phase and brainwashed me. And I willingly participated.

I KNEW in my gut that somehow this wouldn't work. MANY times over the previous year and a half I visited these boards, poured over everything on affairs, and educated myself. I went to individual counseling the entire course of the A and could never rip myself away from the addiction. And now, it has happened on its own and I have broken into a million tiny pieces.

My only saving grace has been a support group I joined for people with addictive relaltionships/sex addiction etc. about a month prior to this ending. I'm trying to do the work I need now. But the heartache and tragedy is over. No longer do I have even a bit of hope. He's gone. He chose his W. They went away to a treatment center to heal. My marriage is most likely going to end.

But I'm still here. And I will survive and thrive in time. The therapists have told me healing a love addiction is harder than healing a drug/alcohol addiction. I have no choice but to move forward.

The hurt is raw. But after reading everything I can, reading these posts, the healing library, and living minute to minute...I have to keep hope. I'm here to stay at EAS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 9:46pm

Life,

You have been through it all, haven't you? Sounds similar to what most of us have gone through and the emotions that follow too.

It amazes me how some people (MM) make these promises, and once the wife finds out, they completely paddle backwards and work on their marriage. What happened to working on the marriage BEFORE cheating? And it amazes me too how women (wives) take these cheating bastards back so easily. OR they just think they "won" a prize and take him back.

My xMM was a pathological liar and he lied, well, about everything. He took me to a house for rent, we both walked around, and talked about renting it. When D-day happened and I talked to his wife, she said that he took her to the same house and that they were planning on moving into it together. See what I mean? They really are a piece of work.

You are the lucky one to have managed to escape. Do you really want to be with someone whose so spineless he can't leave his marriage?

Please stick around here, and it does get better

2010 Pictures, Images and Photos


"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Wed, 01-13-2010 - 10:18am

Life,


Hi again.


<>


Why would you call that sick?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Wed, 01-13-2010 - 12:10pm

I read your story and my mouth dropped. What is so unreal is how this cad managed to pull all this off with his wife not knowing a thing. A house? That's a major purchase, how did he do that, through his company?


I am so sorry you are hurting so much and now dealing with two issues, the affair and your marrige. Reading here, you will see, the less stressful way is to handle one at a time. You honestly can't deal with your marriage until you have purged the affair from your life. And that will take some time. And in time, you will have a clearer idea on where your marriage stands.


Maybe his wife possibly put an ultimatum in front of him. Maybe she threatened to wipe him out financially. I wonder if he told her everything or if he chickened out. And how did she know who you were? Sorry, I don't want to bring up a lot of hurts - his actions and words are the same we hear all the time, but they are magnified and on a bigger scale - promises, all broken and all a fantasy. Is this his first affair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Wed, 01-13-2010 - 1:26pm
Yep, 7 years, off and on (mostly on) .
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Wed, 01-13-2010 - 3:07pm

Oh Flying...Thank you for your words (: It feels nice just knowing you gals all care and get this. I am trying to find your story...were you under a different name? I would love to know more about your journey.

LL

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Wed, 01-13-2010 - 3:21pm

Hi bandk,

Isn't this story of my life and A crazy? ): I have ruminated over and over wondering how he was bold enough to pull this all off. But as any good narcissist can, I guess he just steamrolled his way through it. About a year ago he came into a huge chunk of money from a simple investment. So he simply had the cash to buy all of this. He bought EVERYTHING, including the house and car with cash. The part that gets me is the house he bought for "us" (gag) was only 10 minutes from his current house! He apparently was fearless.

But another part of me wonders how stupid his wife is to sit back and be so oblivious. He told me she never ever even looked at their bank accounts. Sheis a stay at home mom, and he gave her plenty of credit cards to buy whatever she wanted. I am thinking he just treated her really well, gave her everything she neeeded and wanted, she played the part of the perfect wife beside him at school and church functions. It makes me sick. And his major complaints were that she was controlling, bitchy, cold, unemotional, etc. Clearly she wore the pants in their 20 year marriage and even now, she's willing to save her reputation by taking him back. And off they went on Monday to a week long treatment center in Colorado to save christian marriages from infidelity. Hmm. Nice.

I have so much anger in me right now. I'm mad at myself for being played, mad at her for being stupid enough to play his games, and mad at him for being a moron. I'm clearly in the ugly "anger" stage and it's oozing out of me ):

The reason she knew about me in the first place was that it was a planned d-day..he initially *started* to tell her he was leaving her, divorcing her, whatever, and clearly he chickened out and she threatened him and under the bus I went. Sad.

You are so right. I now have to piece my life back together. I think I may go to a week long intense therapy for love addiction. Weekly therapy isn't enough right now. I have to focus on getting better for my little girl.

Thank you for your words of support! I hope eventually I can turn this around and support others too.

Life

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Wed, 01-13-2010 - 3:24pm

Hi life,


Glad to tell you anything you want to know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Wed, 01-13-2010 - 4:11pm

life,


Sometimes the anger can be a catalyst to get you past the tough times. It's ok, be mad as h*ll. Let it ooze honey! I used that anger to stay in NC. I finally figured out that my silence was fueled by my anger - he wasn't getting to me anymore. I refused to be the person he reached out to for his ego strokes.


Maybe your xAP felt his relationship with you was the only thing in his life he "controlled" or felt was his, if his wife was such a harda** as he said she was. He didn't have to share (the affair & you)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Wed, 01-13-2010 - 7:07pm

Hi Flying,


You seem like a

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 1:18am

Hey LL, I haven't seen you for a few days at AAS. Was wondering about you. Glad to see you started a thread here.

For me, 13 days NC, 4 days complete sobriety. The clarity's returning. I'm starting to remember what it's like to have inner strength again.

For years, I made excuses for my xAP. I can't any longer. He told me something mid December that finally woke me up to how cruel a person he really is, to have treated me the way he has for 8 years. Trust me, I tried, but ultimately, I simply wasn't able to make excuses for him anymore.

I finally lost respect for him. I cannot love a person I can't respect. Bottom line.

Your anger can be good, and constructive. One of the posters here wrote that it actually helped her remain in NC.

You wrote on AAS that you know, in your head, that any damage you cause him will most certainly come back to damage you. Keep thinking those thoughts, they'll help you manage your anger.

Also, I once read in the I Ching that hatred, anger, has just as strong a power to bind you to someone else as love does. Our minds play funny tricks on us sometimes. I Ching-wise, maybe your anger is, in part, a subconscious way you figured out *not* to let go of him. Just saying.

As for the W, whatever she is, she's extremely materialistic, no matter how many Sunday school classes she teaches. She just ain't gonna give up her cash-cow, no matter what he does. Seems like she's gotten far too accustomed to being a kept woman, living in luxury. You betcha she's going to fight tooth and nail not to have to give any of it up. Who'd willingly go back to hamburger helper after a life of champagne and filet mignon? I find it laughable that either your xAP or the W have the nerve to call themselves Christian. Simply stated, they aren't. At all. No matter how much they fatten the coffers of their church.

Dude, go to that week-long retreat. Like I said elsewhere, you're walking on a razor's edge, with an abyss on either side of you, your xA, and your M. I think you'll make remarkable progress just to get a few days worth of time-out just to let your head and heart sort things out, in peace.

Again, glad to see you here.