My other situation - what r ur thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
My other situation - what r ur thoughts?
8
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 10:59pm

I am trying desperately to make a decision and I can't seem to stick with it one way or the other.

Quick overview: I've been dating a guy for 8 years (he is now 36 and I am 29). He is without a doubt my best friend whom I can tell ANYTHING to and know he will still love me (he even knows all about the A). My A happened 2 years ago and I'm still getting over it but while I was in it - it fulfilled my fantasy of "true love" and was very sexually fulfilling. My relationship with my boyfriend tends to feel more like a marriage that is 8 years into it and emotionally and sexually the passion is nil. We are more or less best friends who occasionally "have sex" and most of the time I feel unsatisfied - in and out of the bedroom. (while I realize there are ways to better both situations - I'm not sure after 8 years either one of us are up for the rigmarole!)

I've been a member of match.com for a few months now and have "talked" to a few guys over the last few years and I'm pretty discouraged when I see what is out there to pick from. The "quality" I've found has been less than stellar and it is then that I really see the value in the man I've carried on with the last 8 years.

Is it realistic to consider marriage to a man I'm not emotionally or physically excited by? While we are amazing together - we laugh and have the BEST time with each other - we care about each other and have loads of memories made and enjoy making more. He truly is someone special in my life. But is he marriage material?

Any help is GREATLY appreciated! Questions are welcome to help with advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 7:22am

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That would be because it is a relationship 8 years into it and slow-burning is far less noticable than fast-burning. It's also pretty hard to be there in your relationship when your heart or fantasies or even just your loins are elsewhere.

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Have you actually asked him or have you simply assumed he's not up for the rigamarole? If he's not worth the rigamarole, isn't that your answer right there?

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Is it fair or honest to your partner to consider marriage to him, if this is the case? I'm a little confused; after 8 years, is marriage suddenly urgent or something? Perspective thing here, but what is it about you that isn't excited emotionally or physically by someone who is into you enough to be there with you on the bad days as well as the good ones? Remember, too, BF cannot possibly compete with a fantasy guy.

For those of us with intimacy avoidance issues, affair(s) can also be an excuse to keep from achieving "real" intimacy since it's just plain easier experimenting with personal growth with someone other than someone who knows us well. Risking that "real" intimacy can be scary stuff so we substitute someone who doesn't know us as well as our partners, who lacks enough knowledge about us that they aren't going to laugh, point and fall around laughing while we try on different personas for size.

<>

What you've describe here with your BF is pretty much what a healthy longterm relationship becomes when it has a chance to flourish - a deep bond of caring/nurturing love. Hot sex slows to something more comforting, familiar, reaffirming of your mutual bond rather than the "OMG Forget eating & sleeping, baby, let's just boink!" early days of any relationship. That said, it takes two people to create plain, vanilla sex. If you're bored, you're boring as someone used to say.

<>

Your BF sounds like ideal marriage material, caring, nurturing, apparently faithful, respects you, appreciates you, shares your sense of humor, he's grown up enough to work towards what he wants and mature enough to keep his eye on the goal. Plenty of women would rip your arm off and beat you with the stump for a shot at such a man.

On the other hand, how about you? Are you someone you would want to marry? You obviously want the best of and for your BF, Imanewposter, do you fit the bill? Would you choose you for him? Would he choose you if he had all the facts before him? Is he getting the real you or some you that you think he wants?

HTH.

~LeFeen~

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " ~Anais Nin~
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 8:50am

FEENY~

Girl! You got it going on. I think I <3 you.

**ID**

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 11:07am

You know darn tootin' I <3 you, too, Iddy-Widdy-Pie.

The short version of that long diatribe is really that our affairs are seldom about our SO/DH and even more rarely actually about our AP. Our affairs are really about us and what's going on in our own noggins. Look within rather than without.

From the quote pile:-

"A hurtful act is the transference to others of the degradation which we bear in ourselves." ~Simone Weil~

~Beany-Meany-Fo-Feeny~

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " ~Anais Nin~
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 11:27am

<<>>

I'm not sure how you define "marriage material," but what you describe here sounds darned close. In fact, these sound like the things that made me reconcile my marriage as opposed to running off with the AP to start a new life. My DH and I had built a lifetime of memories together, we could finish each other's sentences, we virtually know each other's thoughts. This is probably what Lefeen calls "intimacy," although I hate to use that word cause I've got some issues there.

<<>>

In all honesty, I had felt this way about my DH when I started my A. Like, OMG this wonderful younger guy has been out there all this time?!?!?, and I was wasting away in a marriage!?!?! And little by little the XMM showed himself to be far "less than" my DH - first I noticed he wasn't anywhere near as bright as my DH, then I noticed he wasn't anywhere near as motivated as my DH, then I noticed I couldn't talk to him the way I could talk to my DH, then I noticed he wasn't then, and never would be, as successful as my DH, and pretty soon I started to wonder why I wasnt still with DH. Even during our separation, DH and I ran together, had intimate talks, shared alot of emotions, took care of our children - it just wasn't as exciting as I imagined doing things with the XMM would have been.

Well wake up, honey!If you've found someone you can live daily life on its own terms with you're a pretty lucky person. No, it doesn't have anywhere near the same excitement level, but eventually all relationships turn ordinary. You could never sustain that early spark for the duration of a marriage. I still have a spark for my DH - people tell me they can see it when we're together. But I don't FEEL it. In my mind, that was a problem.

But I've had enough therapy to understand my issues now, and also to understand that marriage just doesn't feel the same way that new romance does. My T tells me that marriage is a series of working things out with another person who is willing to keep working things out.

One thing I have to agree with though, is LeFeen's point - "why is this important NOW?" Think about what is motivating you to have this wonder now, at this point in time, when you've been together for 8 years. Is he going somewhere or putting any pressure on you?

Just my .02. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 12:27pm

<>

I do like this, Mo.

For me, marriage is about a bond with someone in whom I have enough trust that I can just *be* - be me. That includes whichever me that happens to be; whether silly/frivolous, earnest/sincere, vampy/chaste etc.

Getting to a point where I understood who *I* am actually frees me to cease mirroring whatever/whoever I imagine anyone else wants me to be.

I had to value self enough to risk sharing that self (rather than a mirror) and for me personally that came only with therapy.

~LeFeen~

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " ~Anais Nin~
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 7:06pm

thank you all for your response.

I posted this scenario on a number of different Ivillage boards to get more than one viewpoint and it blows my mind how many say "talk to him about this" ummm after 8 years of being with the guy don't you imagine I felt comfortable enough to talk to him?

Don't you imagine I've not only talked to exhaustion but also tried as many different "ways" to get through to him? I’ve tried EVERYTHING I can think of. and he HAS gone to therapy with me (I was in therapy for ME and wanted my T to see things from his perspective) and while she agreed that he is a good person and could see all the things I was saying - she also said that he appears to not have the motivation I'm looking for (as far as making the decision or the moves to move forward or let go or ANYTHING) he tends to just exist and if nothing is wrong or needing fixing he'll just carry on status quo.

She also said - she doesn't believe he will ever love me the way I'm wanting to be loved - NOT that he doesn't love me - not even that he doesn't love me with all that he is - but just probably doesn't have it in him to love like I desire. So... again - while he's NOT a bad catch - and actually a rather GOOD catch as far as... not abusive - not addicted to any illegal substance or even the legal kind - not unsupportive - not uncaring - he's all of the BASIC things a girl wants... unfortunately I'm not sure I'm a "basic" kind of girl... I want to be - and I WISH I could be content with "basic" but it seems like not a week goes by I don't question being with him because the ache will surface in one way or another that I want to just feel that intense/passionate LOVE for someone - a love that just ACHES because you love them so much! I want to feel like I can't breath without them... and I want THEM to feel the same way!

Would that love last? I don't know... but I'm not sure I can marry someone still aching for that... maybe I have to go sow my wild oats (again) and experience it... see it die and that it doesn't last so I KNOW this long lasting "friendship" per se is what really counts!? :( I don't know! I know my semi-bf (I know it's hard for some to understand but it truly is a unique situation - he even knows about my activity on match.com - but I guess he just feels secure that a) I will always come back to him or b) if I find someone else and move on - that's the way it's meant to be - he says "I can't spend my days worrying about whether you will or won't move on... if it happens it happens - if it doesn't than I've enjoyed my days and not wasted them away worrying! He's either very mature or very unconcerned! :( ) anyway... he IS a good person and we've been through a lot in 8 years - I've grown up - he's put up with me - he's learned along the way too - but my heart and body ache for the passion of love - maybe fleeting passion - but the heart racing - feel like you can't breath and if you do, all you want is to breath that person in - kind of love!

I seriously feel pain when I think of not having that - I guess that's my answer - but it's truly a hard situation. I watched The Notebook this morning and the most I cried was the moment Ali had to decide between this GREAT guy that was good to her and there really wasn't a reason to not be with him... other than the fact that her heart and passion belonged to Noah. THAT is how I feel - only problem is... I've not found Noah - I don't know if he exists and I'm taking a BIG gamble letting go of Lou in the HOPE that Noah will eventual come my way!

And then I stand back and think - this is all silly - I'm happy - I "love" my BF - and to waste my life away waiting for greener grass is so juvenile.

If anyone is still listening (reading) feel free to comment. Thanks and XOXO

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 3:47am

<<<<>>>

after 8 years and both of you not being teenagers etc....if you have to ask and from what ive seen in the rest of your posts on this thread....don't do it. You have doubts. Go out and explore your world. Obviously you are not sure of your decision. If you read posts through out Ivillage, so many wish they hadn't when they didn't *feel* the intensity they do with other partners etc.

In this modern day and age, no one *has* to get married. Go take care of yourself and work on finding someone who IS AVAILABLE that makes you feel the way you want to feel. If you are scared you won't find someone for ten years or something, you are in relationships for the wrong reason. NO one should have these what-if-i-don't fears. You just live. Live responsibley though and take responsibility for your own feelings and actions and quit wishing someone would be a certain way. Sounds like you've already leaned on someone about 6 years too long to fullfill you in ways that are not happening. Don't ever be in a relationship again that is not fullfilling you the way you want to be. You know within about a 1.5 years (a full cycle fo events and changes in my opinion). Yes your b/f is great you laugh together etc...but you still have lingering doubts after 8 whole years...most of which were YOUR formative years as he is now going into late 30's and getting comfortable with himself. YOU are going through that just about now ..lots of changes from 25-35 in my opinion. If YOU are not happy, you are probably hesitating because of the length of time you've been with someone...nearly like why it would be hard to divorce...you both are ingrained in each others' lives. Most wouldve married within the 4 yr range. Whatever you do ...don't ever waste someone else's time like this. Its most likely the guilt that is keeping you from moving on <?> Your man deserves to be loved the way he wants to ...perhaps he feels like he is ...but from the sound of it ...you are not fullfilled...what would change by making it legal? You had an affair on him already. Why marry him....just because of your insecurities? That is pretty selfish and as you are getting older...you may just be starting to see that as well. Marry because you want to be faithful to THIS man, that THIS man fullfills you and satisfies you....not because there MAY not be someone else in your future. thats a pretty crappy reason if you ask me. Start thinking about what YOU bring to the man you love instead of what someone can do for YOU. He has obviously shown what he brings to you. Happy? Then go for it, doubtful? then don't.
my 2 cents,
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 2:05pm

No. If he is not the hottest thing in your world, do not consider marriage. If you marry him there will always be some other "outside" attractants that will cross your path. That would not be fair to you and most particularly not fair to hubby. You've already shown that your attraction to others is too much for you to resist.

Grandpa