My Plan for Healing - Want to Join Me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
My Plan for Healing - Want to Join Me?
6
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 4:33pm
Hey Everybody!

These last few days have been really pivotal for me, mostly from reading all of your wonderful posts. I am ready to do this. I want to honor myself now, and my marriage. I always seem to fail when I get week or feel lost. So I am going to foolproof my recovery now. (As much as that's possible!)

I picked up a bunch of books to keep me busy- anything and everything that appealed to me. Self-help healing books, reclaiming your sexuality books (since lately my only sexual energy has been with OM), fiction novels I've wanted to read, a book about listening to our angels to remind myself that there is something much greater out there watching over me, etc. You get the picture. I am surrounding myself with soul-soothing materials that will make me stronger and nourish me.

Also, I got some new workout DVDs- fun things to get me moving and feeling better. Yoga and meditation to keep me focused and living in the moment and the Goddess Bellydancing workout to make me feel sexy and be an outlet for that sexual, feminine energy OM always conjured up.

I am stocking up on nourishing, but yummy foods to make me feel good and comfort me.

I am taking baby steps with my husband, doing my best to honor him even when I don't feel like it. Little things- this morning I lit some candles for him in the bathroom while he showered and shaved.

I am going to start opening my eyes to the world around me. Even though H and his GF don't know, it has hurt them. My H is such a good man, I want to make things right- our marriage needs HELP, not me tearing it apart further to get a cheap high. And ya know, I've met his GF and she is really sweet. I don't know much about her, other than that she is cute and perfect. I'm jealous of her, yes. But her BF is a cheating jerk. Why on earth should I contribute to that? She doesn't deserve that any more than I do. Part of my recovery is going to me having the mindset that even if he doesn't care about hurting her, I do. As a woman, I am going to do my part in not causing her pain. I can't control him, but I can control myself.

When I start obsessing about him, I am going to focus my energy on one of my new books or interests. I had forgotten myself with him, and it's time to get to know myself again.

If I am going to be selfish, like I have been lately about OM, at LEAST I can try to do it in a positive way. A way that will BETTER me and my marriage, not tear it down.

Anyone want to join me in this?? I'd love the support and company!

Love,

Lily

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 7:53pm
<<<>>>

Huh? Your husband has a GF? Laff. I was really confused at first when I read this, but I get it now. You are talking about OM's girlfriend, yes?

Well, You are doing the right thing, Lily. Too many people could be hurt here. Your plan of action sounds terrific, and you actually have inspired me to try a few of the things you have suggested. (where did you get the belly dancing DVD?) ;)

Stay strong and focused. OM is the dirt-bag here, and he needs a good dousing of reality. He will get busted one of these days, and you don't need to be the reason.

<<<>>>

You know, I didn't get my head screwed on straight until I began reading the betrayed spouse board several months ago, and this is when the HAMMER clunked me in the head. Up until that point I had never considered the wife in these situations being that I am not married any longer. (Was many many years ago). This is when I realised just how selfish XMM and I were being, and it snapped me out of the fog PDQ. I am ashamed that it took me so long to see the "COMPLETE" picture,(a 4 year affair, but these boards saved my butt) and how many people could have been hurt. Even though XMM never worried about being caught, I was always terrified of it. He had far more to lose than I, but that only shows who loved the most. I was willing to let him go because I DID care. Jumping ship was the best thing I could do for all parties concerned.

<<>>

Unfortunately affairs will do this. They become all consuming and we lose ourselves in that icky mistic fantasy. When we can finally see clear of the fog, it is amazing how we immediately see how much needs to be fixed. So much had broken down, including our self respect and the distance we had put between ourselves and our family/friends. There is NO better time than now to start the healing process as it will take time, effort and indurance. BUT, it is doable, not to mention the best thing you will ever do for your own peace of mind.

My best to you,

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 8:02pm
Haha, no my husband doesn't have a girlfriend! :) Oh, God! That I know of anyway! LOL! I was talking about OM'S GF. I can totally see how my post was confusing! Sorry! :P

Just did the belly dancing tonight- kind of a fun little release! It's the "Goddess Workout: Introduction to Belly Dance" Not too much of a cardio thing, but lots of fun and soothing. Perfect for me in my state right now! lol!

Thanks so much for the support, True! You've been a big part in keeping me sane and strong. Wish me luck at work tomorrow with him!

Love, Lily

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 8:59pm
Wonderful, Lily!!! These are all the things I've been trying to do since I ended my A, and I can tell you that they do really work. Eventually you'll see how wrong the whole A was and all the things about YOU that led to your involvement in the A.

I'm just curious, I must have missed part of your story. Does your H have a GF too??? I've been there, and my H did eventually end his A because our relationship (now I can call it a marriage) was becoming so positive! It's all possible, as long as you keep plodding along. Even when it doesn't seem like you're getting anywhere.

I am absolutely with you on this plan! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 9:18pm
hey mo!

thanks for your support. it means so much to me! ((HUGS))

i am a goofball and made my post unclear...i meant that my husband and OM's girlfriend don't know, not my husband's gf. i've got enough drama without that happening!!! LOL!

Love, Lily

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 9:23pm
Hi Lily,

Some great ideas and I am going to try some of them myself. Sounds like you are on the right track for healing and I'm there with you too.

I was looking for some ideas to help focus some of that time and energy I had been wasting on XMM and the A, you hav esome good thoughts here.

I also feel as if I am reclaiming myself once again. I also feel as if I have some devine intervention perhaps going on because X and I both have things going on this month that are keeping us out of the office much of the time. mine is some remodeling of my home and some in service training at work and his is home and work related also, so it has given me less contact with him than usual and I am greatful.

Thanks again for the good suggestions and good luck with yours. Keep us posted.

IP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 12:29pm
Lilyann, listen to yourself today! You have come so far in such a short time. It is SO GREAT to see people making progress here. You go, girl!!! :)