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|Thu, 12-06-2012 - 10:37am|
It's been a little while since I've posted here.
In that time, I've been in M counseling with my H to face the major communication issues we have + dealing with my H's deep-seated insecurities.
We have a great T - excellent coach.
Some days I feel hopeful for our M; other days, I am incredibly lonely. I'm unsure if my H is able to change - still so insecure and he occupies so much space in our M. He hasn't previously made much room for me and with him, I feel mostly sidelined while he tap dances on our marital stage. It's like I am his audience - always. It's all about him.
Ironically, he has truly false impressions that I am constantly dominating conversations, or constantly interrupting him, particularly when we are out with friends. At one time, I believed him and apologized. But I've since come to know the truth - and our friends have reassured me that I'm not insane on that. I couldn't believe it when he relayed his observations about my dominating conversations to our T. (She knows too, since our sessions are always all about him too - she has to actively pull me into them.)
Despite this, I am still forging ahead with T to its natural conclusion. I also need to allow more time go by since the end of my A (it will be three months on Dec 15th since NC). I still struggle with my feelings for my H. It's a little better, but I still detest the thought of being intimate with him. It's not as bad, but I still have no true feelings there. And I still think about my xAP. I stop the minute he comes to mind, but it is still happening often.
The thought of being alone scares me (AGAIN - this is my 2nd M), but if the situation as it currently stands doesn't change permanently, I believe staying in this M is worse than the alternative. It saddens me that I could go to my grave being married to someone I don't love deeply.
I am so grateful for all the confidential advice I am getting from this wonderful forum!