My Reality

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
My Reality
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 10:37am

Hi, everyone.

It's been a little while since I've posted here.

In that time, I've been in M counseling with my H to face the major communication issues we have + dealing with my H's deep-seated insecurities.

We have a great T - excellent coach.

Some days I feel hopeful for our M; other days, I am incredibly lonely.  I'm unsure if my H is able to change - still so insecure and he occupies so much space in our M.  He hasn't previously made much room for me and with him, I feel mostly sidelined while he tap dances on our marital stage.  It's like I am his audience - always.  It's all about him.

Ironically, he has truly false impressions that I am constantly dominating conversations, or constantly interrupting him, particularly when we are out with friends.  At one time, I believed him and apologized.  But I've since come to know the truth - and our friends have reassured me that I'm not insane on that.  I couldn't believe it when he relayed his observations about my dominating conversations to our T. (She knows too, since our sessions are always all about him too - she has to actively pull me into them.)

Despite this, I am still forging ahead with T to its natural conclusion.  I also need to allow more time go by since the end of my A (it will be three months on Dec 15th since NC).  I still struggle with my feelings for my H.  It's a little better, but I still detest the thought of being intimate with him.  It's not as bad, but I still have no true feelings there.  And I still think about my xAP.  I stop the minute he comes to mind, but it is still happening often.

The thought of being alone scares me (AGAIN - this is my 2nd M), but if the situation as it currently stands doesn't change permanently, I believe staying in this M is worse than the alternative.  It saddens me that I could go to my grave being married to someone I don't love deeply.

I am so grateful for all the confidential advice I am getting from this wonderful forum!



Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: PACDOVER
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 11:27am

Hiya Pacdover

Glad to hear from you with an update.  

I truly believe we are adaptable creatures, so I am sure whatever conclusion you arrive at, you will adapt to.  There really *are* worse things than being alone.

You say this is your second marriage...does that mean that you've really never had a taste of being on your own?  Ya know, you might just like it.

I'm pretty adaptable myself...probably as a result of my being in various foster homes.  I adapt to roommates...I adapt to living alone.  I think I even prefer living alone.  Being an only child and so learning to entertain myself is fine by me.  And the freedom it affords....not having to do whatever I don't feel like doing...not having to talk when I don't feel like talking.

Back to you...I think you are doing it right.  Sitting in therapy and getting support and finding out some eye-opening stuff.  You'll get yourself on solid ground and be able to make clear decisions with confidence and without fear.

Keep up the good work.



Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
In reply to: PACDOVER
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 3:52am
Hi PADCOVER I'm glad to hear that you appreciate the safe place we have all created here on EAS. I to found it an amazing place to come, not only to share the bad times, but also triumphs no matter how small. Its tough trying to reconnect with H again after an A. I still struggle with it, even though its gone a year. Take your time, and see what happens. Try not to second guess yourself, or look to far into the future. Live in the now, and try to enjoy the little things. You just ended an A 3 months ago, you are going through a very tough and painful time in your life - now is not the right time to be making any sort of decisions. Just listen, learn and slow down. Its not a race, its a journey. Love WGO p.s I love your posts - so please stick around :-)
Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
In reply to: PACDOVER
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 7:53pm

Hi, there, WGO!

I meant to respond to you very kind post from last Friday, 12/7/12.  Thank you for your gentle reminders.  I think each of us knows what we can expect after the A is over and I have certainly read *many* times how difficult it is to have feelings for one's spouse moving forward.  So thankful for this truth - it's probably the biggest reason why I am even in MC - knowing that it's common.  It's hard to say where my M will go, but I am the one insisting on the counseling (and am paying for every session, at least so far).  I just have to see it through... and if, in the end, I come to the realization that I can expect to continue to struggle with my H, his insecurities, his anger and poor communication skills for the rest of our married life, I will be at-peace knowing I went the full distance & gave it my "all".

So thankful, again, for this support site! 



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
In reply to: PACDOVER
Sun, 12-16-2012 - 6:45pm

Hi, everybody.

It's official - yesterday was the 3-month mark since I ended my A.  Have maintained NC and my xAP has so far respected my wishes for NC as well - as he said he would.

I continue to struggle with my H - more with his behavior-related issues that pre-dated my A.

Things have improved in some aspects.  He seems to be coming to terms with some financial-related decisions that have been at the heart of many of our arguments.  This is of some relief as I've had to do most all of the work and any associated follow-up items.  It's been hard to endure the screaming and angry rants when I have no choice but to discuss certain things with him.  But for the first time in many, many weeks, he seems to be finally accepting some decisions we've been forced to make.

Still, he's known to vacillate *a lot* after we make no-choice decisions. 

This is my biggest frustration - my husband's inability to stick with mutually agreed-to decisions, not only about things like our possessions but about money and the direction of our life in-general.  We talk, agree to a plan, and then it's like Groundhog Day all over again where he "forgets" we ever had these conversations; ever agreed to a plan; he angrily screams, and uses profanity.  It just wears me down now to the point where I find myself withdrawing - and escaping the house (where we both work as telecommuters too).

As I said in my previous note, we have a great therapist and she is a wonderful coach.  In our last session, when my H began to raise his voice in anger, she immediately cut him off, saying that that kind of communication will destroy our relationship.  And that was mild.  He is just so incredibly angry, unsure, and insecure; always angry that someone is out to cheat him; about my whereabouts, what I am doing, who I am talking to; about many things.

We will be in therapy for awhile, although he seems to think the few sessions we've had should be enough by now.  His reality is not in-line with the truth, so much so it simply amazes me.

I am still unsure where things are headed, but right now, I am unhappy - perhaps the most I've ever been in this relationship.  I know we need more time.  Currently, I am focused on praying, meditating and reflecting.  Most importantly of all, I am trying hard to get some clear spiritual guidance.

I'm not afraid to be alone per-se, but I love being in an R.  I know I must take risks (and that might mean possibly being alone) to get what I truly need and want.

My family as well as my closest friends (who are like sisters to me) are aware of the situation.  So thankful to have this site for confidential support!