My Sis Blew the Whistle

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
My Sis Blew the Whistle
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 11:41am
This was our special thing. And now we have to pay for it because my sister is determined to end our affair.

My sister has called my AP's common-law wife. She did so last night. She called me this morning to tell me not to be mad at her but she wanted him away from me and she said she warned him in January to leave me alone.

I opened up to her and told her everything two days ago. I was secretive about our affair because I know she doesn't like him and always has strong words to say about him. Our affair has been going on for 7 months.

She told me that what put her over the edge was finding out that he and I did actually sleep together. She didn't know that and she was P*****. She says he's a cheater, a B***** and she reminded me of how he used to cheat on me and hit me occasionally when we were together.

His partner is extremely jealous of me simply for being the ex-girlfriend who was almost going to marry him. The very fact hat I ever existed in his past was cause enough for her to hate me.

Now I fear I'm going to get calls from her and he is going to call me and blame me for something I didn't agree to. I knew my sister threatened me before with blowing his cover, but I didn't think she'd really do it. And her timing - I am so caught off-guard.

What the hell is now going to happen with their relationship? I don't think I want him, he IS a cheater. When she calls, I don't think I can call my sister a liar and deny the affair to her. On the other hand, I feel I am betraying him. My sister is my "big sis" and my best friend. She SAYS she did it for my best interest. I don't know if it was a good idea.

I kinda hope they don't break up because I would not want to be the cause of a failed relationship. She didn't necessarily need to know. Now she does.

What is my best course of action? He has lied to her AND me, but I know he's just really confused about his life. What the hell do I do now????

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 12:16pm
Wow! I have mixed feelings about this one ranging from your sister and her getting involved in a relationship that was never hers to begin with to this couple you have gotten mixed up with.

First of all, I would never let a sibling of mine run all over me that way. From the sound of your post, you are close to her and consider her your best friend, but I have to say her actions were rather disrespectful of you because she went behind your back and talked to this man's SO without your knowledge. I don't feel there is ever justification for it regardless of who she is trying to protect. It wasn't her place to tell his SO, period. If she wanted to talk with you and counsel you, then that's fine. But for her to take it upon herself to talk to someone who had nothing to do with your A could very well backfire in her face. If she doesn't want you with this man, then why do something that could destroy the relationship he is currently involved in?

As for how you handle contact from him or his SO - this is what I would do. If he calls, then I would deal with him. If his SO calls, I would simply tell her that any answers she wants are going to have to come from him. It really isn't your place to tell her anything other than perhaps giving her an apology for your sister calling her.

You really need to spend some time thinking about why you would want to be involved with a man who is a known cheater, not to mention who has been abusive with you before. Love isn't about cheating and abuse. And I also wonder why you would want to be involved with this man when you posted of how you wouldn't want him anyway? It's almost like the dog burying the bone. You don't want him, but you don't want him to have anyone else either. This is not a good habit to start.

Love is about being with someone who makes us happy and treats us with respect. What you've described is a total lack of respect from start to finish. If this man does have true feelings for his SO, then if I were you, I would expect your affair to end and him to move on with her. You should do the same with your life and let them be. If either of them make any contact with you, I would deal with it once and ask to not be contacted again. If you talk with his SO, you're just going to feed the flames your sister has started and feed his ego at the same time because he will in fact have two women fighting over him.

Think about it...why stoop that low?

Good luck


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 1:23pm
Your sis blew the whistle huh? What kind of sister is she ~ to put you through so much trouble? hrummp
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 7:42pm
This is how I wished it would've ended. All un-finished business FINISHED. Knowing that we love eachother and remembering how we mended fences with respect to how bad our initial breakup was. Moving on in life. Being happy - for eachother.

And in FACT, my sister didn't bloody know this, but I ended it with him yesterday for the sake of his s/o, his child, my sanity, his sanity and my s/o. I was very fine with that. Sure it hurt, but I loved the idea that we weren't walking away hating eachother. He didn't want it to end but I was strong about it, knowing that the situation could get really ugly. And now it has!!!

I made my choice - it was to have an affair with him. I slept with him once - that is it. And after I did that, I knew it wasn't something I wanted to do again. It isn't going to be one of my most proud moments, but it happened. I know we walked away from eachother because we had to. I gave him the option of focussing on what needs to be fixed in his r/s and I understood how confused he was. I certainly didn't need to be dragged into his situation knowing my life is very sad right now with respect to recently losing my mother - dealing with the estate issues, my full-time job which is a stepping stone to my career goal AND my studies toward my professional designation. He was HONEST with me, damn it, and he knew all these things were so important to me.

Sis jumped in because she HATES him still for hitting me, cheating on me, and giving me a "cureable" disease once. All she keeps saying is that I am very forgiving - too forgiving for the likes of him. And she always repeats how she barged into our apartment once and started hitting HIM because he was hitting me. And yes, tell me something I don't know. He's a piece of s***, I know. But I love him. She says he is still that playing creep and to feel sorry for his s/o. I do feel sorry for her, but it isn't her that I love.

I wanted this to end peacefully. I have talked to a few friends about this - those who knew him when we were together, and they say that it was unfortunate, but with him being him - they are actually GLAD my sister did this! Who is right here?