My story

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
My story
11
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 9:14pm

Hello everyone!  I'm new here and wanted to share a little of my story.  I want to start off by committing to always being honest in my posts, regardless of how ugly the truth may be.  It's been so long since I have been fully honest with anyone (including myself).  I have a tendency to sugar coat things, or hold things back, or say what I think people want to hear, or pretend that I'm ok with things when I'm really not.  I don't want to do that here. 

 

I've been in an affair for 3.5 years now.  I've been struggling to end things for over a year now.  I am married and have young children.  My AP is also married and he also has young children.  We met each other at a time when both of us were struggling in our marriages and both had unmet needs at home (no excuses here, just that we were both in unhappy marriages at the time).   We met through his wife.  I was friends with her first.  We then started hanging out as couples and families.  The friendship between AP and I continued to grow and we crossed the line into an EA first and then into a PA.  I slowly started distancing myself from his wife awhile after we started the affair (there is a whole other story here I'll go into at a later time) and I'm no longer friends with her.  Though I can't claim I was ever her friend, considering how badly I have betrayed her.

 

I am struggling so badly with ending things right now.  I love this man (AP) and I believe he loves me.  I believe what we have together to be unique and special.  I could spout off practically every cliche "we were meant to be together" line right now, but you get the picture.  But once I started reading here, I realized maybe this affair fog thing has some merit.  It sounds like what we have together is the norm for people in affairs (an eye opening experience for me to see).  But regardless of that, I feel like I love him.  I know I am very attached to him.  I don't want to be without him.

 

My marriage was pretty bad before my affair (my H has cheated on me), but it is really bad now.  I am completely detached from H and the marriage and feel more of a commitment to my AP, then to my husband.  I don't know if my marriage is salvageable at this point, but I know from reading not to make any decisions regarding the marriage until after the affair fog has cleared.

 

AP's marriage is also a mess.  But he will not leave his kids.  I've never asked him to either, but I am not satisfied being in an affair and he knows this.  I would be willing to leave my M.  He is not.  Every single time he leaves me to go home to his W, it just kills me.

 

Anyway, my life just feels like one big mess.  I'm in love with a man that I can not be with, except in secret.  The pain of him being with someone else is awful.  I am engaged in an affair that goes against everything that I thought I believed in.  I am not honest with anyone in my life (including AP at this point.. I downplay the level of hurt and guilt I feel).   I have withdrawn from family and friends.  I know I have been an awful mother and neglected my children due to my mind being consumed with AP and the affair.  I feel hopeless at times and sometimes I would rather just not be alive.  But yet here I sit, still in an affair.  

 

So that is just a little of my story.  I will continue to read and learn from all of you.  I know the answer is to end things... to stop the hurting and pain... to avoid the catastrophic consequences of a D-day... to do the honest and moral thing... to decide what to do about my own marriage... to one day hopefully find myself again. 

 

I welcome any and all feedback. 

 

 

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
In reply to:
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 10:25pm
Hello New Me,

I am lying in bed about to turn out the light but wanted you to know that you are in the right place here at EAS. These women and men have all felt that their xAP was their soulmate, that they have a once in a lifetime connection, that a life without their xAP would be too dreary and loveless to contemplate.

Yet by committing to No Contact and focusing on why you chose this toxic escape route from your real life instead of finding health alternatives, by coming here and listening you can be free of this A before it destroys you and your family.

I know a vet will chime in soon but just wanted you to know you're not alone.

~ Songs
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to:
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 10:50pm

Hi the.new.me

I hope you feel better getting out your story in a most honest way.

I'm sorry your life is a mess.  You already know what must be done to start cleaning it up.  I'm glad you are reading and that it is helping you.  You are already beginning to understand that your affair is no great love story...it's just a sad tale...similar to all the sad tales we share when we tell our story here.  It's a dead-end relationship that is sucking the very life out of us and leaving us physically, emotionally and spiritually bankrupt.  

The choice is really yours.  You either continue your affair and stay miserable and disconnect even further from your husband or children, or you can choose to commit to ending your affair and start gaining back your integrity and live an honest life...and find happiness once again as you begin to rebuild your relationship with yourself, your husband and your children.  

Sometimes I don't know what is worse, staying in an affair that keeps us miserable or being in the state of limbo where we are unable or unwilling to actually do something about it out of fear.  

Please keep reading, and when you commit to your ending, we are here to support you.  When you take the plunge, I promise we will not let you drown and we will not let you down.  

((hugs))

Clarity

 

 

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
In reply to:
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 12:32am
Welcome, the.new.

Clarity mentioned limbo. It's a horrid place to be. I was there for quite a while myself. When you pick a direction to walk in, truly and fully, you'll feel a burden lift. Not in one day, but bit by bit ... In order to figure out your M, whether to remain, go, whatever you choose, that must be done out of the fog. I am doing the work to figure it out. I cannot even imagine beginning to try while still hanging onto xap.

All you need is in the Healing Library, in posts here, in your heart. Go with it. Commit.

You won't be sorry.

Gypsy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
In reply to: lilyflower
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 12:36am

Welcome to the boards!  You will find lots of us here feel the same things you are feeling. That right now you will think "your A is different", but we have all felt that. And right now I will not be able to convince you otherwise but once you end it you will slowly start to see that!  I have been out of my A for 4.5 months and its is still very very hard. But yet I have come a long way. I also know just from reading your post that you can either be living half a life in the A like you are now or live half a life ending the A and with each day that passes get more than half a life back to where you will evenutally get your whole life back. YOU cannot  get back time with your kids that you are losing.  I still remember having my phone in my hand like it was glued there and my kids trying to get my attention and I was oblivious to them and then after the 10th time of them saying mommy I would snap and say what do you want...seriously cant you see mommy is busy!!! All for a guy who will never leave his wife!  I have come to realize that it seems men will not leave their wives. Women are more apt to leave their H's. I would have! But H's are more afraid of being alone it seems.  And no amount of time will change that for you. IT will get harder and harder and you will have a dday! And then its even worse!  Keep reading and keep getting stronger, you can do this!

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
In reply to:
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 4:24am

Hi the.new.me

 An official welcome to EAS from me! Thanks for sharing your story, and yeah – your life is a mess! I have this huge desire to shake some sense into you, but I guess by you coming here, you are ready to start cleaning up the mess you created!

 Firstly, There are beautiful innocent children involved in this affair – on both sides. If you are not going to end you’re A for your own kids – at least respect you AP’s wishes to be with his wife and children. He obviously won’t leave his wife for you. He has made this clear, and no matter how many times you try to be more attractive, funny, intelligent, wonderful and sexier than his wife – you did not give birth to HIS kids. SHE DID.

 You on the other hand, gave birth to your kids. So no matter what you feel for your xAP, these children of yours need their mother. Probably more than you realize. Think about their needs that are not being met. Is that what you wanted when you had them floating around in your tummy while pregnant. Did you have dreams and hopes for them? Did you want them to have a stable and safe place to come home to everyday? Or did you want them to grow up with a mother who only cared about another man, who is not even their daddy?

 Now, let’s look at your marriage. Your husband cheated on you. I don’t know if you caught him at it, or he confessed, or what happened – But you decided to stay with him. You chose to keep your family together. And while I “get” you having a rebound affair, or whatever it’s called, you seem to have fallen in love with this man. Probably wasn’t your intention, I so get that! Let look at it this way:  Your next door neighbor, he has this car, and you spend every spare moment washing and cleaning his car, making sure it shiny and always looks new. Your own car – you neither look at it to see what’s wrong with it, let alone try and wash it, clean it – god forbid see if it *really* is broken! All the while your Neighbor this loving this car! He doesn’t have to do anything, AND he’s made it clear no matter how hard you wash it, clean it and polish it (looks great!) you will never be able to drive it. NEVER! Where does that leave you? With a neglected car, who knows if it will start, who knows if you can ever shine it up again, and where does it leave your AP – with a really nice shiny car, he can be proud of, without having to do anything of the work – and never has to give it up for anyone! He has it made – best of both worlds – a great car, no work involved!

 So where does it this really leave you? You need to start doing some serious work. This is not going to solve itself. You need to get your self respect back. Work on that marriage if it’s the last thing on earth – don’t your kids at least deserve that? I don’t know if your marriage is irreparable – sounds to like you are an intelligent person with a huge heart, with lots of love to give. It’s just your love is misdirected. You have been hurt, and you were looking for comfort. You found another broken person, and you told your broken stories to each other as if they meant something. I can’t tell you if really loves you. I don’t know if you really love him, but like you -  I fell in love with my xAP during my 3 year long A. I now look back and can’t recognize that emotion in relation to him. I know I felt it, but that’s only because I remember thinking it. I was in a bad place, I fell into a depression, and who I was, and everything I stood for was sucked out of my body leaving a shadow of a person who only felt alive in those brief moments where we were together. He literally brought me back to life, and I started believing he was going to heal me, because he was the only one who could bring me out of my depression. The day I realized I put myself there, and I was the only one able to get me out – was the day I ended. My xAP – I have no idea how he feels about me ending. I have no idea if he was upset, relieved, happy or devastated. There a only a few people who matter – You – your children – and your husband.

 If you are still interested in ending you’re A. I mean seriously – not just today, because he’s not giving you the attention you need. If you want to end this A, and become a mentally stable, wonderful person, loving mother and wife. A person who is transparent and no living a life based on lies. Then we are here for you. All it take is a brief note to him saying its over, block him and run away as fast as you can. We can help you manage the bad days, and help clear the fog when its heavy – soon you will be helping others and paying it forwards.

 I hope to see more of you! Oh and I hope you don’t think I am being too harsh with this post. I’m not judging you at all – my A was ugly and messy and I neglected everything in my own life and made sure his was perfect. I have been on Anti-D medication for over a year and have contemplated leaving my marriage and kids to be with him. Sometimes, I think – it helps if someone just spells it out so you can see it for what it is… it’s a WASTE of your life.

 

Love WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
In reply to:
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 6:52pm
Hi, new.me.

Are you ending your affair or are you in your affair? Here's why I ask:

- I don't want to be without him.
- I am engaged in an affair that goes against everything that I thought I believed in.
- here I sit, still in an affair.

I'm comfortable with and familiar with the struggle to end an affair, the allure of a hit of contact. Almost seven months out, I still have pangs of wanting to talk to my xap but I now have coping skills that help me wait out any x-craving. This is going to sound hugely selfish, particularly given all the support you've been offered in this thread. If you're just toying with the idea of ending, I'm worried about reading posts filled with unapologetic musings about your current affair partner. I'd really like to read a commitment from you to start no contact.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 5:11am

Hi TNE

You know you will always be welcome here, if and when you end your A. I wish you luck in your decision. I wish you the ability to make that decision. And I'm just glad you know where we are if you need support when you make the decision.

I wont push you to end your A, I think you know when enough is enough and you will find us again.

All the best to you and your family.

Love WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth