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|Mon, 09-10-2012 - 9:14pm|
Hello everyone! I'm new here and wanted to share a little of my story. I want to start off by committing to always being honest in my posts, regardless of how ugly the truth may be. It's been so long since I have been fully honest with anyone (including myself). I have a tendency to sugar coat things, or hold things back, or say what I think people want to hear, or pretend that I'm ok with things when I'm really not. I don't want to do that here.
I've been in an affair for 3.5 years now. I've been struggling to end things for over a year now. I am married and have young children. My AP is also married and he also has young children. We met each other at a time when both of us were struggling in our marriages and both had unmet needs at home (no excuses here, just that we were both in unhappy marriages at the time). We met through his wife. I was friends with her first. We then started hanging out as couples and families. The friendship between AP and I continued to grow and we crossed the line into an EA first and then into a PA. I slowly started distancing myself from his wife awhile after we started the affair (there is a whole other story here I'll go into at a later time) and I'm no longer friends with her. Though I can't claim I was ever her friend, considering how badly I have betrayed her.
I am struggling so badly with ending things right now. I love this man (AP) and I believe he loves me. I believe what we have together to be unique and special. I could spout off practically every cliche "we were meant to be together" line right now, but you get the picture. But once I started reading here, I realized maybe this affair fog thing has some merit. It sounds like what we have together is the norm for people in affairs (an eye opening experience for me to see). But regardless of that, I feel like I love him. I know I am very attached to him. I don't want to be without him.
My marriage was pretty bad before my affair (my H has cheated on me), but it is really bad now. I am completely detached from H and the marriage and feel more of a commitment to my AP, then to my husband. I don't know if my marriage is salvageable at this point, but I know from reading not to make any decisions regarding the marriage until after the affair fog has cleared.
AP's marriage is also a mess. But he will not leave his kids. I've never asked him to either, but I am not satisfied being in an affair and he knows this. I would be willing to leave my M. He is not. Every single time he leaves me to go home to his W, it just kills me.
Anyway, my life just feels like one big mess. I'm in love with a man that I can not be with, except in secret. The pain of him being with someone else is awful. I am engaged in an affair that goes against everything that I thought I believed in. I am not honest with anyone in my life (including AP at this point.. I downplay the level of hurt and guilt I feel). I have withdrawn from family and friends. I know I have been an awful mother and neglected my children due to my mind being consumed with AP and the affair. I feel hopeless at times and sometimes I would rather just not be alive. But yet here I sit, still in an affair.
So that is just a little of my story. I will continue to read and learn from all of you. I know the answer is to end things... to stop the hurting and pain... to avoid the catastrophic consequences of a D-day... to do the honest and moral thing... to decide what to do about my own marriage... to one day hopefully find myself again.
I welcome any and all feedback.