My story..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2011
My story..
12
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 12:14am

Hello. I'm not new to this board as I've lurked from time to time, but tonight, I just have to talk to someone. Let all this mess out.

2-1/2 years ago I was involved in an A with an exbf from 13 yrs ago. I was in the deep, suffocating and blinding fog for about a 1-1/2 years. Then came that day when I get call from xap "just found out I'm going to be a dad. i wanted you to be the first to know." I was blindsided. Floored. The very wind was knocked out of me. He was just gushing. I felt so dirty. So insignificant. So I talked to him that night and he says, "nothing's going to change. just sit back and enjoy the ride." I can't take the madness anymore. Who was I to stick around? No. I couldn't do it. I couldn't continue hurting my M, my children, myself.

So I sent that last text. Goodbye. I walked away so broken. So alone. He continues for a year to text me. I block his #. And I go to counseling. The texts stopped. Then after a year of him disappearing, he reappears just short of my 2 yr mark of NC. He hits me with an email. "how you doing?" What in the world does he mean?! I avoided him for nearly 2 years. No response from me at all. I sit with this feeling of disgust and "how dare you" and decide to respond. Bad BAD idea. He lures me in. "why did you stop contacting me? "that's all i want to know is why. i'm confused." "i'm not here to even try and get you back. i just want to know what happened." "can we be friends?"

Oh hindsight. How I wished you were screaming in my face. I can feel that suffocating feeling i felt when i was in the A, creeping over me. I couldn't breathe. The guilt was overwhelming. I was nauseated. So after back and forth with him which never got anywhere, i send him another goodbye email. But this time, after i sent it, I cancelled that email account. I'm tired of the push and pull. Its unbelievable how fast and ugly it became. And that's because its been 2 yrs!

i feel myself now going through the withdrawl stages little by little. The only one I can truly be angry, disappointed and frustrated with is myself. I willingly put myself in a bad situation again. I thought by telling him to leave me alone, since nc wasn't getting through to him, that i was doing right. I was so wrong. So now I'm sitting here in the darkness of my room, praying and wondering

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2010
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 1:52am
Hello WakingUP,

It is late here, but I wanted to reach out and tell you how sorry I am that you are hurting! And I wanted to let you know a few things.

1) Even if you are in the dark...know that you are not alone! I feel your pain and am sending you calming and healing vibes tonight. You are in my thoughts....and you will be ok.

2) I want you to know that night time (in the USA) as well as weekends can be slow around here, but rest assured if you have been lurking you know others will soon awaken and chime in to lend their support, comforting ear, and any help they can. In the mean time if you have not already, check out the Healing Library. It is full of great information that can really help you to process some of the feelings that you are feeling, and also full of success stories of wonderful women who have made it through the darkness you now find yourself in. Find comfort in those words.

3) Please dont be so hard on yourself, not right now. From what I can tell you really did not totally reengage with your xAP. So moving forward from here will be easy compared to that pain you encountered 2 years ago. You know in your heart this was a toxic relationship, and I can say that I am so proud of you for pulling yourself out of it the first go round! It is not easy, and I never would have been able to do it without the support of this board. So hold your head high and be proud.

4) Those withdrawals will fade. You have done a really great thing in deleting the email. I know hindsight tells you that you should have done that a long time ago, but be proud of that fact that you did it now! Those feelings will pass. Just remember to Breath your way through it right now. Long deep breaths.

5) Lastly I just want to encourage you to stick around, and engage in this wonderful community of cooperative healing. Although you felt the pain from his news of a baby, and knew the A was wrong, there is something in you that allowed yourself to open up to his fishing attempt. If you stay here, and participate you will help to uncover what those reasons may have been, as well as learn wonderful skills on how to make changes and cope with such encounters. And although you have been our of your A for sometime, it could benefit you greatly to be here. there is another poster, Melinda, who had been out of her A for 18 months when she came to EAS. Although she had mastered NC, it was only after engaging here that she truly started to free herself from the mental chains we create while engaging in an A. So please, stick around. We want to help you to Awaken!

Sending much love and some warm hugs to you in the darkness on this night.

Peace&light
Foggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 2:29am

Hi!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 6:48am
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 8:32am
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 10:27am
((wu))

<< i send him another goodbye email. But this time, after i sent it, I cancelled that email account. I'm tired of the push and pull. Its unbelievable how fast and ugly it became. And that's because its been 2 yrs>>

Bravo, honey. You'll have to go through those icky withdrawals again, but it shouldn't be as bad as the first time. Keep reading the board, especially the Healing Library, and join in and offer support to others when you can. This helps a lot with your own healing.

Welcome to EAS.

((Hugs)))
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 2:19pm

(((((Waking Up))))))

Its so sad to think that we ALWAYS MUST BE DILIGENT against reopening that scab - regardless of the time put in getting better.

Please, for yourself...stick around. You'll learn that

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2011
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 5:49pm

Thank you all so very much for the wonderful support in the continuation of mine and everyone's journey here on EAS. I certainly know that I couldn't have made it this far (lurker or not) without the support of you wonderfully strong and committed people here. Thank you really doesn't begin to cover it though.

Today was much better than yesterday. The withdrawls aren't as bad this time around, though i have my moments still where I find myself thinking, "why did you respond?" This self battery that's occurring will come to an end. All I can do is ask for forgiveness and forgive myself. Each day is a new beginning; a new opportunity to make things right. That's my motto. Today's a new day. Today I take back that control. Today I wasn't hovering over my phone or constantly checking my email, pressing "check mail" every minute. (For one, I've blocked his phone calls and texts and emails too!) yay!

Today I will walk with my head held high. I am walking away again, but this time, a little more knowledgeable. A little less hurt. A lot more happy. The peacefulness that I craved while responding to xap has slowly begun to return. I'm enjoying the simple things in life. My 2 year old asked me this morning if I wanted to have a tea party with her. That moment, just sitting on her blanket, with all of her stuffed animals surrounding us, while she poured "tea" in our cups and laughed, just summed it all up for me. This is it. This is my life. And I'm so blessed and happy to fully experience it. Again.

Many hugs to you wonderful enders!

And Thank you so very much!

WU

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 7:06pm

You're an inspiration to me, wakingup :-) Thank you for sharing your story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2011
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 8:07pm
As you are mine for making that important decision..to reclaim your life.

Keep on keepin' on..

(((Hugs)))
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 8:20pm

Hi WU -

You are very right - each day IS a new beggining and we have a choice how to live it. The simple things, like a tea party with your daughter, is what it's all about. :) I'm very proud of you.

Bodhi

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