My story..
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| Sat, 01-08-2011 - 12:14am |
Hello. I'm not new to this board as I've lurked from time to time, but tonight, I just have to talk to someone. Let all this mess out.
2-1/2 years ago I was involved in an A with an exbf from 13 yrs ago. I was in the deep, suffocating and blinding fog for about a 1-1/2 years. Then came that day when I get call from xap "just found out I'm going to be a dad. i wanted you to be the first to know." I was blindsided. Floored. The very wind was knocked out of me. He was just gushing. I felt so dirty. So insignificant. So I talked to him that night and he says, "nothing's going to change. just sit back and enjoy the ride." I can't take the madness anymore. Who was I to stick around? No. I couldn't do it. I couldn't continue hurting my M, my children, myself.
So I sent that last text. Goodbye. I walked away so broken. So alone. He continues for a year to text me. I block his #. And I go to counseling. The texts stopped. Then after a year of him disappearing, he reappears just short of my 2 yr mark of NC. He hits me with an email. "how you doing?" What in the world does he mean?! I avoided him for nearly 2 years. No response from me at all. I sit with this feeling of disgust and "how dare you" and decide to respond. Bad BAD idea. He lures me in. "why did you stop contacting me? "that's all i want to know is why. i'm confused." "i'm not here to even try and get you back. i just want to know what happened." "can we be friends?"
Oh hindsight. How I wished you were screaming in my face. I can feel that suffocating feeling i felt when i was in the A, creeping over me. I couldn't breathe. The guilt was overwhelming. I was nauseated. So after back and forth with him which never got anywhere, i send him another goodbye email. But this time, after i sent it, I cancelled that email account. I'm tired of the push and pull. Its unbelievable how fast and ugly it became. And that's because its been 2 yrs!
i feel myself now going through the withdrawl stages little by little. The only one I can truly be angry, disappointed and frustrated with is myself. I willingly put myself in a bad situation again. I thought by telling him to leave me alone, since nc wasn't getting through to him, that i was doing right. I was so wrong. So now I'm sitting here in the darkness of my room, praying and wondering

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Welcome, WakingUp!
Thank you so very much CSN for your response. I truly do appreciate yours and everyone's amazing support in this journey. Here's to another day, another step in the right direction.
(((Hugs)))
WU
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