This is my story
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This is my story
| Sat, 04-17-2010 - 10:11am |
I am a 36 yr old M Mom of 6 ages 19, 18, 14, 11, and 3 yr old twin boys. This is my 2nd M. I have been M for 10 yrs been together for 12. At first just like any M it was great. I was happy and content. I work full time as a supervisor for a shelter. I love helping people that is what I do best. My DH works full time also working endless hours. At first I would beg my DH to pay attention to me and treat me like a wife not a roommate. I did this for years. Dont get me wrong my DH is a great man who is a great provider and Father. He just did not know how to be a H. I started feeling like I loved my DH but was no longer in love with him. A little over 2 years ago I started contact with an x. He is a 45 yr old Investigator. I feel I have always loved this man. I began the A a little over 2 yrs now. It has been a rollercoaster ever since. One week we would be so close and the next he would just stop talking to me. This went on for a year. Last year I was out with friends and was dancing with friends and he accused me of cheating. I was only dancing! Ever since then he didn't trust me saying I cheated. But what I didnt tell you is the one time he stopped talking to me he literally had sex with a client that I put in one of his apartments! That was a knife to the heart but I forgave him and continued on. Even helped him deal with it. (Funny the things we do) Well after he seen me dancing I began proving my every move to him. Right down to calling the tanning place to see what time I was there. Xap never believed a word I said. He told me he did not want to be with me and did not want to have any kind of feelings. I still believed that I could change the way he felt. I have been through so much with this man always talking about other girls and getting me going. I hate to say this but I got pregnant last year and I had an abortion I regret it to this day but he never wanted to talk about it and was not there for me at all. This has been a one sided A for a long time. The thing that kills me xap has never told me he loves me or wanted to try. So why did I think I could be the one to change him? Last Sunday I gotcalled into work at 11:30 pm and I worked until 2 am I texted xap at 11:30 I figured he was sleeping. He texted me on Sunday morning and said he seen my text and asked whats wrong? I told him I got called into work and just wanted to talk to him. He did not respond so I got nervous and wrote well I have all the calls on my phone and she left me a message and I sent that to him. He wrote back and said he doesn't care that I worked and I must be off my meds. LOL He told me he didnt want to talk to me today and would text tomorrow. I couldn't understand I have always proved myself why now did he want to stop talking to me? This A has been so draing I have carried my cell in my hand if i had no pockets. Always worried that I would miss his text. It's been a week tomorrow and I do miss him and wonder how he is. I always took care of him right down to renting his apartments and getting the apartments ready for him. Never expecting anything in return. Buying his children and him Xmas gifts. I dont get it why does it become a drug? Become obsessed! I am so glad that everyone here is so understanding. I don't want to be a pain in the a**. I know its time to take my life back. I have lost who I am during this and gave up going out with friends and being who I am. I miss being the happy person I used to be. Well sorry this is long but I wanted everyone to understand what I have been through.

Dear Mab73,
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. I suggest you make a copy of this post and store it somewhere in a file on your computer - better yet - start a whole folder for yourself called "Just for me". When I attempted NC for the first time I took a picture of myself (to give me a visual of how awful I looked) on that day and started such a folder. In this folder I keep my favorite posts, quotes that inspire me and remind me to keep moving forward - here are my favorites:
"Life is too short to wake up with regrets. ♥ So love the people who treat you right. ♥ Forget about the ones who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy; they just promised it would be worth it.~......"
"When kicking the unworthy to the curb, kick correctly lest they bounce back to you."
-- HBI Member, Karen H.
"I believe in the ugly truth rather than the beautiful lie."
-- HBI Member, Cobiwan
"A 'No' uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble."
-- Mahatma Gandhi
I also have developed an emotional safety plan for myself. It includes things that I think about, or people I can contact (like EAS), before I make the move to contact xAP. I also have a list of all the times he hurt me, the things that he has said to me, and the other moments that I just can't forget when I start to think this is a man I wanted to spend my life with. It is a horrible list - and I can honestly say when I re-read those things I get angry and re-committed to staying NC.
I feel the biggest struggle for me has been to let go of the notion that some day I will get a 'return on my investment' in him. But I know that I won't - it would be impossible.
Your story today will change over time. How you will choose to narrate your experience will shift as you grow stronger and more distance and perspective are afforded to you. When I read your story I couldn't help but think what a user your xAP is/was, and how emotionally cruel he was to you. And that you must have come to view yourself as worthless (like we all do at some point) to deserve such treatment. I have to watch myself these days - for the anger could swallow me up. I want him to feel just for one moment, what it is that I feel - what his W feels. He is still trying to have us both - he has even told his W so after his planned Dday with her. I have stepped away from the situation for the 3rd time.
It has taken practice for me to leave. I see him daily and we work on many projects just the two of us - and it leaves my wounds vulnerable to infection each and every time we are together. He is not interested in keeping distance, so I have to surround myself with a shell to cope with the constant attempts to engage me. I am exhausted most of the time and am struggling to get out of bed these days. But I am fighting - and you have to too.
You are not alone in this any longer.
You are worthy of love - and the feeling that all the Love you need comes from right inside you. That's the most amazing part - the freedom that comes from realizing you already have all you need inside - you just have to ignite it.
Hugs to you,
TU.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
MAB,
I only have a moment but promise to respond in mire detail later. I am responding on my phone so forgive me for typos and the like. I read your post and tears came to my eyes. I am sorry for all you been thru, I too am 36, I have two children. I am divorced. My ex H sounds much like your H. My ex is not my ex because of exAp, however I was vulnerable and played into him due to the break up of my M and other life issues that eventually got a hold of me. I have lived all you have. And yes I do mean all of it as far as the A goes and that other A too. I know your pain and plight. Unfortunately too well.
You can email me privately if you like or we can discuss it here with the other ladies as well. Whatever you are comfortable with. Wish I had more time to respond
I am a tweener, been here since early last Dec., know my way around these boards a bit. Seen people come and go. Your story is so similar to mine, first I seen, although I am sure there are others. Know that you are not alone and this board is so amazing and powerful. It will get you thru. It will be your strongest ally. You have some work to do, but you have to put in some real work. And follow some guidelines.
Again, our similarities are uncanning. Even what we do for work. I could have written your post...I will be back to post more later, in the meantime, try to enjoy those children of yours this weekend.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
MAB,
I do pro-bono work for battered women. I love it. I luv giving myself to help others. Nothing brings me more joy to help a women put herself and her kids back together. I was in a A, but did not know it initially. Once I knew, I found out I was P. Those were some heart wrenching times. My exAp was never there for me. In fact after the procedure, he left me at home, went shopping with his wife and then brought me dinner that night, and then I put him out the next morning. He left and said he loved me and always would.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida