My story
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| Fri, 05-13-2005 - 11:31pm |
I finally feel the need to tell this whole complicated and sad story. In my 37 years of living I have loved two men, neither of whom I was married to. Unfortunately, the first love of my life broke my heart over and over the course of six years. It was violent and abusive at times. I am not sure if that was a result of our personalities or the fact that we were both very young. Looking back, he was a typical male that did not want to commit. There was something about him and that relationship that really broke me down. For the first time in my life, I had actually considered suicide. Someone made the mistake of telling me that the drug, crystal meth, makes you feel like you just don’t care. At that awful time in my life, that magic bullet was too much to pass up and I became addicted.
I managed to get away from that man, but ended up with one that I was able to keep my drug addiction hidden from. I married him and keep up the secret lifestyle. It was hard at times to keep the secret but it was worth it as long as I didn’t have to feel anything.
Than I got pregnant. I quit the drugs only until the babies were born..yes…twins. I started again until they were three. I am not sure why, but I decided to quit…cold turkey after 8+ years. No counseling…no nothing, but I did it.
Almost as soon as I quit, I ‘ran’ into an old friend(married) on the internet.He said his wife and him were not close anymore and he had always wondered what happened to me…blah…blah.. .blah. At the same time, I found out that my husband had been cheating on me. All of a sudden all these things have happened and for the first time in 8 years, I have to ‘feel’ it!
This old friend was exciting (a feeling that was foreign to me). Anyways, an affair started and I was sooooo in love. I am not sure if the intense feeling was because it had been so long since I had felt anything or because I was really in love. I still to this day do not know the answer.
He wanted me to leave my husband and said he would leave his wife. There was always conditions….I needed a job… a new house….etc. I divorced my husband and moved in with my parents. I got a grant and went back to school. I was living on child support, but still managed to pay for the hotel rooms and cell phone bills.
I got a good job and he stayed married. Bought my own house and he stayed married. When I started to push for answers, he had all the best excuses…you name it and I heard it.
Four and a half years later he is still with her. I will say that I have done a good job of pushing him away a little at a time (it has just been easier that way). He has done some things that I consider crazy and a sign of some deep mental disturbance. Something clicked also when my kids would see me crying on the phone and say “Mom, just hang up on him!”
I just wish now that when I was surfing the Internet way back when, I would have come across this message board and paid attention to the advice. I have overcome some very tough things, but this has been the worst. It has been over two months since I have talked to him. I guess what I want everyone else in this situation to get from this, is to stop doing it. At your very first feeling that something is amiss ….run…run as fast and as far away as you can. Don’t look back. And if you still have your husband and kids with you, thank your lucky stars.

I clung to the "HIGHS" from my affair relationship for seven years during which time my children changed from pre-schoolers to young adults. I am now six weeks away from it and am shaking my head in wonder at how much of my life I have allowed to pass me by. I am thankful that my H is still at my side and am seeing him with clearer, more loving eyes day by day.
My heart goes out to you "stupidnlov" but I suggest that you change your screen name. A woman like you who conquered a serious drug addicition "cold turkey" is certainly not STUPID - you are more powerful and courageous than you give yourself credit for. This man came into your life for a reason - figure out what drew you in - and LEARN from it. You do not need someone else to be your "happiness bearer". YOU CAN find joy and peace and strength from within.
Keep on posting. We are all here to share and lend a helping hand along your personal, healing journey.
ARTIST
Thank you for sharing your story. I understand how you waited all that time. I too got a divorce under the assumption that MM was going to as well. He did separate but its been two years now and he is still married and it may as well be an affair. People don't understnad how I waited two years but its not like I knew I would be here today, two years later. Everytime I tried to take some distance he pulled me back in with excuses and promises which were never kept. It got worse and worse till here I am on this board. He still says he is getting divorced next month but he also says that he thinks he is not good for me and we can't be together due to the fact that we had an affair and he's kept me a secret all this time. So he's using his mistakes against me. And even saying that to me, he still doesn't fully let me go. The pain is unimagineable. Its worse than anything I have gone thru ever. I am trying hard to move on but its next to impossible knowing there is a chance we may be together. I just went out on a date last nt and came home and cried in my stairwell because my date was not him. I have to pretend to friends that I am okay because I am getitng afriad people will start to avoid me. I understand because it is hard to watch someone self destruct. It is taking every ounce of my strength to go on. The pain of it all is sucking the life out of me.
I try and think to myself that I do not want to be in this pain a year from now. I tell myself that it has to get better. It just has to.
Ivy