My story
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| Wed, 01-27-2010 - 10:22am |
This is my first post here ... this is my story ...
My Marriage has been on the rocks for years ... started counceling last year and really didn't feel like it was going anywhere ...
Enter the world of FB ... a little backstory first
In Highschool I had a very devastating relationship with a guy. Lost my virginity to him, loved him with all my heart. I believe to this day that this relationship laid the foundation for all of my relationships to come after that. He treated me very badly ... i was never officially his girlfriend back in the day ... but he kept me around and we saw each other a lot. In the end the relationship became so emotional for me that I transfered high schools to get away from him. That was one of the hardest periods of my life. In time I got over it (with LOTS of therapy) and over the years we had run into each other here and there and actually got along very well. Over the last 10 years or so we lost all contact but I heard about him through the grapevine that he got married and had 2 children and even moved back to the area. Despite all the negative things he did to me I was happy to hear that his life had gotten on track ... but never really gave him much thought other than that. About 7 months ago a mutual friend told me he ran into him and that he was on fb ... not thinking anything of it I friend requested him and for a while he was just one of those friends that existed in the background ... then one day he pops up in a message out of the blue ... telling me that he loves me, he has always loved me ... not in the romantic sense at least not anymore but that he had never fully gotten over how he treated me when we were younger and that I was a better person than him back then and he wanted me to know that he knew that.
All of a sudden the flood gates were open. We were talking all the time. We ended up deciding to meet for a walk and it was so wonderful to see him ... I have actually known him since I was 11 ... as the walk ended and we went to hug goodbye, he kissed me ... that is when this all started ... The last 6 months have been a mixture of heaven and hell. This isn't some guy I work with or someone I just happen to meet ... this is the most important relationship of my past ...
He is also married and has never had any intentions of leaving is wife. He loves her and their children very much. He also claims to love me but knows he doesn't have the right to feel that way since he is married. Every time we see each other and something happens he swears it can't happen again ... then it does, then he says the same thing ... it goes back and forth over and over again ... which has been a complete emotional rollercoaster for me ... So at this point we have decided that we need to cut ties from each other because we don't have the resolve to stay away from each other any other way ... we both want to see each other one more time ... have a final goodbye to look back on with fondness I guess ... an official closure ... This is so difficult ... my marriage may be ending anyway having nothing to do with him, but I feel like because of what happened even if i wanted to make things work I couldn't because of the guilt of knowing what I have done ... The man from my past has said that it's because he loves me so much that he can't have contact with me ... He wants to do what is right by his wife and he has no right to have these feelings for anyone but her, that he needs to 'get over' me and this. I completely understand and respect that ... but it doesn't make it any easier ... it actually hurts more to know that he does love me ... I almost wish he didn't ... I am not looking forward to NC with him ... but I know it's coming, we both know it's coming and the thought of it actually makes me physically ill ... I don't have any idea how I am going to get through this ... I told him that if I could take back everything that has happened between us I would if it meant we could be part of each others lives ... the connection between us is so strong and we share so much history ... and I know none of that matters, but as I'm sure many of you know logic and love never seem to go together ... anyway ... to anyone who has read this entire post, thank you ...

A Warm Welcome to the board (-:
I am hopeful that some of the other posters who have re-united with past Loves will soon be around to support you. I can relate to the difficulties of the situation, but not the context of re-uniting.
Reading it from my perspective though, is that your A is truly based on some Hollywood fantasy of getting to re-write history, to forgive the hurts of the past, to re-unite and then live happily ever after.
I think in the end you will see, that no one in this situation has changed much. You are hurting and he is at least mutually responsible for causing it. The only difference this time is that the choices you both make will drag other people into the mess, casting a net further and wider than it ever did in High School.
I was hurt too very badly from a high school relationship. If that person walked back into my life, there isn't a sweet enough song they could sing that would bring me back. But that's taken years of therapy, hours of self-reflection, and still I made the choice to have an A, which i do believe is rooted in the un-resolved issues that abuse created.
Going back to a partner who was abusive to you in the past, and then add to it the A context, well, in my opinion will leave you worse off then you ever were in high school )-:
I hope this isn't too much after your first post, and I hope that with time you will come to better understand the dynamics of this situation.
My best,
j.
Thank you for your reply ... you actually basically quoted him in one of your statements ... he feels we were given this opportunity to "rewrite" history ... What I don't think he gets is that I had had peace with the past, it took me a LONG time to get there, but I got there ... he apparently never got over how he treated me so now he has some peace is knowing that I don't hate him .... and you are right ... i do feel worse off than in HS ... I'm a mess ... He said what he wants from this is for everyone to walk away happy and fulfilled knowing that we will always have a special place for each other ... he said having that and having the knowledge that we love each other is so much more than we had in the beginning ...
I'm not so sure that does me any good ... I don't feel happy, i feel pain and I feel so much anger at myself that it is HIM of all people causing it ... How did I get here?
Mrm, welcome to endings. Jodi's post was on target so there's no need for me to reiterate. We've had several enders that got tangled up again with past loves and from what I have learned, this dynamic, when it results in an affair, has many sharp angles that could do major damage to the new lives you have created. Yes, something about needing to rewrite history plays in this past love dynamic, and as you can see now from experiencing it, the past belongs *IN* the past. There was a reason it didn't work the, and now you have
~Iddy~
Thank you again for the support ... I hope I didn't come across as trying to keep the A going ... I agree that he should be 100% present with his family ... I just hate that that means we can't be friends ... what is so difficult for me is that if the A had never happened ... and I know it's futile to spend time thinking about IF's ... than we would actually probably be able to be friends ... I have not had any hard feelings for him in years ... it was him who felt the need to make amends for the past .... and in doing so I now feel like my present is a disaster. I also don't know how to make my M work knowing this has happened ... how can I look at him year after year and know that I did this ... but as i said my M was in turmoil long before this started ... I know it would have never started if my marriage were healthy in the first place ...
I find myself being consumed with such an array of emotions ... we keep talking about this 'last time' ... that if this were just some PA that none of that would matter ... we've actually said we don't know if anything will happen in that regards when we do see each other, but he said he wants to be able to look me in the eyes and tell me how he feels ... not over text or phone ... we feel like since this was so much more than a PA that we owe it to each other to say 'good bye' in person. Now I feel like I'm just sitting waiting for a bomb to drop and I can't begin the healing process until that happens ... I never in my entire life thought I'd have to get over this person AGAIN. The first time almost killed me .. literally ... It was him who finally decided NC was the only way he could get over this, that he loves his wife and family too much to continue risking them or betraying their trust ... no matter how he feels about me. And he's right, I know that ... It doesn't matter if he loves me ... he is married ... I know that and feel awful about what this would do to his wife ... I am not that person ... well, I guess I am , but I never thought I would be ... I know I'm rambling ... it's about all I can do right now ... my mind is going 100 miles an hour and I just want it to stop. Sometimes I feel like he was selfish to come out and tell me these things ... he started all this, my marriage was off before this, but I was doing ok, I felt like there was hope ... I don't feel that anymore and I definitely don't feel ok ... not even close.
Then why are you waiting for this final meeting that will bring you ONLY more pain, more frustration and hurt than you have yet to experience?!
He has nothing to offer you, there is NO CLOSURE.
Tough love from the right place, not lies to reel you in from the wrong place.
J.
Edited 1/27/2010 12:18 pm ET by jodi_09
Yikes, sorry mrm 7391, if was the wrong post.
I know it all seems overwhelming today ... It is overwhelming. I have realized much in the days after the initial crisis days. My first few days all I did was stay in bed and cry (not advisable). I repeated some phrases over and over again, like 'this too will pass' ... and 'forward is a direction, not a time line'. I also wrote up a safety plan for myself right away which included my favorite posts, all my posts, a list of the moments i knew it was all wrong, the hurts we caused one another ... anything and everything to assist me to ground myself.
Maybe try a few of these things?
It's so hard because this has been such an emotional roller coaster and I know I have in part LET him do this. He has done this so many times since the beginning .. ranging from we can still talk but we can't see each other to we have to cut all ties to we can see each other sometimes but we have to stop "making' time for each other .... it always leads back to the same place ... us together ... so here we are again at a point of cutting ties ... he keeps saying how much of a struggle this is for him too which is why he hasn't been able to follow through as of yet ... but that he needs to for his own sanity ... meanwhile I feel like I'm losing mine.
I keep telling myself today will be the day that I don't text him ... and i know he won't text me ... he has better resolve that way ... when it comes to contact, he is better at refraining from initiating it, but he can not not respond if that makes sense ... If I open the door for contact, he will go through it ... He is so much a part of my life I don't know how to do this ... the thought of it makes me sick so how do I actually follow through and stay strong enough to let go?