My story - help me to be strong
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| Tue, 03-16-2004 - 4:56pm |
Finally, he found out that his wife was having an affair also -- her second. He asked if I was willing to leave my husband, and since I wasn't, he said he either had to fight for his marriage or get a divorce and find somebody new. He said he couldn't do either with any integrity if we were still lovers. I agreed and that was that. He did say he wanted us to be friends, but I wasn't ready to try that. That was 4 months ago. I have been strong about no contact, we only talked once when he returned some stuff of mine to me. But I have been wondering about what he's doing, and thought I was ready for friendship, so last week I broke the NC rule; I just wanted to get back on speaking terms with him. Well, apparently he has heard of the NC rule, too, because he hasn't replied, and it hurts worse than the initial breakup!!
I'm fighting the urge to call him up and put him on the spot. Please help me to be strong. How do you do it? How do you stop obsessing about someone? Why is it so hard?? I have a husband who adores me and treats me well; why can't I move on? I want to be a good person; I don't want to be stuck in this rut.

BE STRONG and don't contact him! Please, if you can never cross paths with him. It is the only way to make your life good again. The only way that you can forgive yourself. Take this advice from someone who can't seem to get it right. Hopefully you can be stronger than me!
He will resent your calling him, especially if he is trying to make things work in his life. He will say what he needs to to keep from hurting your feelings and you will hear him telling you he still cares....even though that's not what he means. (make sense?) Men can separate actions and feelings, they can put us aside and not think that they are hurting anyone, only doing what they need to do to make it easier. Don't put yourself through the disappointment, there is no such thing as closure as long as you don't want it to end.
You are very lucky to have a husband that adores you. Be thankful for that because he will always be there for you, thru thick and thin. His love for you is true and real. XMM's love was your fantasy. Just like me....I feel your pain. I'm going thru it right now. My obsessing has lessened. I have to come to realize that my XMM wasn't crying all the time, wasn't sick at his stomach, he was living his life, with his family, and friends. I have gone NC with him, I haven't called him for a very long time, but he still tries to talk to me. My husband knows about him too. My husband has been really wonderful thru this, and I realize that he is my true soul-mate, cause he stood by me. His love is true. My fantasy had to end.
In all honesty, I'll probably struggle with this for a long time, cause like you, I NEVER thought it would happen to me either. But it did. I choose to use it as a learning experience, and to be VERY thankful for what I have at home, full time love, not part time passion.
TCOM
I'm finding that during the day, when I'm plenty busy, I'm doing just fine. It's when I wake up in the middle of the night that I struggle. I've been losing a lot of sleep over this!
I have broken off with him so many times in the past, we'll go months without seeing each other (besides running into each other). It does get easier as time goes by but then one of us gets an itch (typically him) and we start all over again. I guess I have learned that talking, confrontation doesn't make things better or different. There are always unanswered questions. My biggest fear is what I will do when he calls me back, he will tire of his new girl and come back to me, he always does. I just want to stop everything, forget it happened....
Sorry about the ranting, a very bad day...I miss him so much. Unfortuanately, I gave into the temptation and texted him telling him so. I don't know which is worse..that I gave in or that he has responded.
Thanks for bearing with me!
Just be strong and if you fall down, pick yourself up and brush yourself off and treat yourself if you can make it through the next few hours!!
Argh, where is that rubber band???
i keep wondering why i am always convinced that he could get over me so quickly, when i'm always feeling that i'll never get over him.....i guess it's just the normal insecurities that people have in relationships, but ones that are compounded by the very nature of the situation we're in.....while we're in affairs, we just don't have the opportunity on a daily basis to know where we stand in the relationship....we don't have men who come home to us each night, and who we can call anytime we want or when we need to talk to them, and everything else that goes along with relationships out in the open....we have to be guessing all the time just where we actually stand in their lives, and where on their priority list we land....i think we're always in this uncomfortably insecure place, even if we're sure they love us....which leads to the constant wondering about....is it really love or is it an addiction?...does he really love me or is it all a game?.....(i've actually finally settled on the answer for myself....i know it was and is really love, and it's never ever been a game for either of us).....we're just in the worst positions in these relationships, and it takes incredibly secure, confident, strong, women (and men) to maintain any sense of their own identity and self-worth during and after these affairs.....just my two cents and stuff i've thought about many many times.....
big hugs, katie....hang in there and keep posting....ada