My story - help me to be strong

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
My story - help me to be strong
7
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 4:56pm
God, I am so glad this board exists. I have been having such a hard time getting over an affair, even though I know it has been the best thing for both of us. I am married, always thought it was happy, but I got involved with a married colleague about 5 years ago. Started out as a friendship but turned into an emotional affair, then the whole shebang. Like they always say, I NEVER thought it would happen to me... So many times I tried to end it, knowing it was wrong, but I was too weak. I prayed for the strength, I prayed for forgiveness, but I just couldn't do it.

Finally, he found out that his wife was having an affair also -- her second. He asked if I was willing to leave my husband, and since I wasn't, he said he either had to fight for his marriage or get a divorce and find somebody new. He said he couldn't do either with any integrity if we were still lovers. I agreed and that was that. He did say he wanted us to be friends, but I wasn't ready to try that. That was 4 months ago. I have been strong about no contact, we only talked once when he returned some stuff of mine to me. But I have been wondering about what he's doing, and thought I was ready for friendship, so last week I broke the NC rule; I just wanted to get back on speaking terms with him. Well, apparently he has heard of the NC rule, too, because he hasn't replied, and it hurts worse than the initial breakup!!

I'm fighting the urge to call him up and put him on the spot. Please help me to be strong. How do you do it? How do you stop obsessing about someone? Why is it so hard?? I have a husband who adores me and treats me well; why can't I move on? I want to be a good person; I don't want to be stuck in this rut.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 9:38pm
I know from past experience that it gets easier to live without that person in your life the longer the nc. I have even been able to be friends with OM, I won't even say ex OM, because he constantly comes back into my life. It's like a yo-yo, up and down but never a good ride. Guilt, frustration, jealousy, all exhausting emotions.

BE STRONG and don't contact him! Please, if you can never cross paths with him. It is the only way to make your life good again. The only way that you can forgive yourself. Take this advice from someone who can't seem to get it right. Hopefully you can be stronger than me!

He will resent your calling him, especially if he is trying to make things work in his life. He will say what he needs to to keep from hurting your feelings and you will hear him telling you he still cares....even though that's not what he means. (make sense?) Men can separate actions and feelings, they can put us aside and not think that they are hurting anyone, only doing what they need to do to make it easier. Don't put yourself through the disappointment, there is no such thing as closure as long as you don't want it to end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 3:26am
Just remind yourself that with him going NC too, he's doing you a favor. Was he wanting you to leave your husband and fill his void since his wife was having an affiar too? Or was he asking because he really loved you? You had indicated that he had to either fight for his marriage or get a divorce and find someone new. Maybe he done just that.

You are very lucky to have a husband that adores you. Be thankful for that because he will always be there for you, thru thick and thin. His love for you is true and real. XMM's love was your fantasy. Just like me....I feel your pain. I'm going thru it right now. My obsessing has lessened. I have to come to realize that my XMM wasn't crying all the time, wasn't sick at his stomach, he was living his life, with his family, and friends. I have gone NC with him, I haven't called him for a very long time, but he still tries to talk to me. My husband knows about him too. My husband has been really wonderful thru this, and I realize that he is my true soul-mate, cause he stood by me. His love is true. My fantasy had to end.

In all honesty, I'll probably struggle with this for a long time, cause like you, I NEVER thought it would happen to me either. But it did. I choose to use it as a learning experience, and to be VERY thankful for what I have at home, full time love, not part time passion.

TCOM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 7:53am
Thanks so much for the words, everyone. I mean it, this place is going to save my sanity! Isn't one of the hardest things about dealing with this kind of thing not really being able to talk to anyone about it? It means a lot to know that there are other people out there who understand.

I'm finding that during the day, when I'm plenty busy, I'm doing just fine. It's when I wake up in the middle of the night that I struggle. I've been losing a lot of sleep over this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 11:07am
It's always when you're alone that it hurts the most. Stay busy. Write down your feelings when you are alone, and it hurts. Get it out. Deal with it. I don't mean that to be mean, I mean really deal with your emotions, your hurt. Recognize it, embrace it, cry even. That's the only way to move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 3:31pm
I know exactly how you are feeling! When I try to talk to OM we end up in the same place that we started. Right now he's got a new girlfriend (his W and he split up in the fall) and he's all wrapped up in this new relationship. He's been able to just stop seeing me, avoiding my calls, not answering my tm. It makes me angry that he can so easily flip switches. Worse, it makes me feel used. I won't leave my husband, we split up last year for a while (OM not in picture at all). When I took him back, I swore I wouldn't put my kids through that again, not as long as my H was trying to work on things. Anyway, OM is excited about this girl who can be there for him, hold his hand, etc. Things I couldn't do with him/for him because I'm still married. I really do want him to have all those things but what about me? Why do I feel so discarded and hurt. I deserve everything I'm getting...Geez. He can't seem to just tell me that he doesn't ever want to see me again.

I have broken off with him so many times in the past, we'll go months without seeing each other (besides running into each other). It does get easier as time goes by but then one of us gets an itch (typically him) and we start all over again. I guess I have learned that talking, confrontation doesn't make things better or different. There are always unanswered questions. My biggest fear is what I will do when he calls me back, he will tire of his new girl and come back to me, he always does. I just want to stop everything, forget it happened....

Sorry about the ranting, a very bad day...I miss him so much. Unfortuanately, I gave into the temptation and texted him telling him so. I don't know which is worse..that I gave in or that he has responded.

Thanks for bearing with me!

Just be strong and if you fall down, pick yourself up and brush yourself off and treat yourself if you can make it through the next few hours!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 11:40am
Ack!!! I'm glad I didn't call him, but... today I got an email from him. Damn me for breaking the NC!!! Damn me for being sooo happy to hear from him!! All he said in the email is that he's not in an emotional place to be able to chat and catch up with me right now. But he misses me and thinks about me and wonders what I'm doing. He hopes I understand.

Argh, where is that rubber band???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 3:25pm
katie....i can relate to this so much....every time i think that i haven't heard from him because he's forgotten all about me, or has moved on, or is working on his marriage, or has found someone else to have an affair with, and i find myself imagining that he's soo over me, i'll find out that he's been just as depressed as i have, and has been having a really difficult time emotionally dealing with us being apart, has been miserable, and has never even considered being with anyone else....of course, after i've tortured myself unnecessarily imagining him having the time of his life without me!....and then of course i feel soo much better (and of course worse, too) because i'm so glad to know he's still missing me as i miss him, and is thinking of me and no one else....but then all the feelings come surging right back in....

i keep wondering why i am always convinced that he could get over me so quickly, when i'm always feeling that i'll never get over him.....i guess it's just the normal insecurities that people have in relationships, but ones that are compounded by the very nature of the situation we're in.....while we're in affairs, we just don't have the opportunity on a daily basis to know where we stand in the relationship....we don't have men who come home to us each night, and who we can call anytime we want or when we need to talk to them, and everything else that goes along with relationships out in the open....we have to be guessing all the time just where we actually stand in their lives, and where on their priority list we land....i think we're always in this uncomfortably insecure place, even if we're sure they love us....which leads to the constant wondering about....is it really love or is it an addiction?...does he really love me or is it all a game?.....(i've actually finally settled on the answer for myself....i know it was and is really love, and it's never ever been a game for either of us).....we're just in the worst positions in these relationships, and it takes incredibly secure, confident, strong, women (and men) to maintain any sense of their own identity and self-worth during and after these affairs.....just my two cents and stuff i've thought about many many times.....

big hugs, katie....hang in there and keep posting....ada