My story & should I call?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
My story & should I call?
2
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 7:55pm
Hello everyone! First off I would like to say that I am sooo happy to have found this site, I actually got to it by accident and now am so glad that there is an acutal support group for this. Never in my life did I think that I would get involved with a married man. You see good looking people and have chemistry with people, but usually when you hear the "he's married" you just say...ohhhhh too bad and walk away. For some reason, and I don't know how to explain this, I felt like I was destined to have this person in my life. I am 28 and divorced 2 years from a drug addict....I met my married guy through the healing process of trying to accept what happens when someone is an addict. He himself is a recovered and forever recovering addict and I found comfort in him. We started off as friends, speaking occasionally, every few months. I understood him and he understood me because we have lived familiar lives. Anyway, about 8 months into the friendship we somehow, through a conversation leading us there, found out how we feel for eachother. I asked him what he wanted and why me, because he is a drug counsler and there are alot of girls who come in and are interested in him and not only the educational programs he runs. He told me that what he is looking for you can not buy and has nothing to do with sex. He told me that he knew right when we met that something was different with me. One time he even tried to set me up with someone he knew, but it didn't work out, and so I asked him about that and he told me that he has learned to sacrafice what his heart wants and that he cared about me and because he couldn't be with me and care for me he wanted to give me someone who he thought would. Anyway, our relationship wasn't sexual. We never had sex. We were more bonded emotionally and found peace and comfort with eachother. I mean yeah, there was alot of kissing and touching, but we never got around to acutally having sex. Which I am glad...by the way. Our "affair" lasted only 2 months. He ended it about a week and a half ago. I feel very lost, because I lost a friend and because I feel like I didn't get a fair chance. This is what happened...a week and a half ago, we met up, it was late around 11pm and we were talking and kissing. I wasn't able to have sex, because be it from God or what I happend to be on my monthly...sorry guys....so anyway he wanted me to..ummm, I don't know if i can say it here, but oral sex is what he wanted...now keep in mind that we hadn't had any sex...and I was going to do that because I wanted to, really I did. But earlier we were talking and he was remembering how a few weeks prior he had tried to end our relationship because he said that this was turning into an affair because of the emotions, so I agreed and told him I have more respect for him than anything else and abided by his wish...well, he called me the next day and was chit chatting like nothing and so we just continued like nothing had happened. So while he was remembering how he ended it and wow here we are again, I asked him, yeah why? He said I don't know, I said can I ask you a question and wanted to know who I was for him. And he couldn't answer...now I know that y'all are thinking, "what do you mean who are you...don't you know?" I know that I was the "other woman" but I wanted to know if I was in his heart or just on his ummm...well, you know. I have never been in this situation before and didn't want to be meaningless to him, I know you all understand that. So anyway, because he couldn't tell me, he kept saying that he honestly doesn't know, I just ended that topic. Also back when we were just friends and he would tell me about his life, he told me that alot of men in our culture cheat on their wives because they can not do certain things with their wives, because they have the old fashioned mentality of "she kisses my children with that same mouth" Which he also mentioned that he doesn't do at home either. So, now back to the sex part....I was going to do that for him, when I asked him if I could ask him a question first. I reminded him of that conversation and asked him that if he doesn't do that at home, then does he consider that to be dirty? My reasoning for asking was to find out what I mean to him....VALIDATION, that's what I was looking for! I couldn't get it earlier by asking him bluntly what do I mean to you...so I figured, let me get to it from another point. Trying to see if he views it that way, then I will know what I mean to him....right???? Well did he take it the wrong way or what. He wouldn't let me explain, he didn't get angry or deffensive. He just told me to forget about it and that he didn't want to continue. He told me that he has never disrespected a woman in his life and that he wasn't going to tell me what I wanted to hear just so he can get what he wanted. He told me that I am a smart girl and that I woke him up. He seemed dissapointed, not because we didn't do anything, because he said you ask me questions on who you are and what you are, he said "I call you and we are here, you should know what you mean to me" But he became very cold and told me he has to go, wife was calling his phone, then he asked me if I can just be his friend, he said can you please do that and be my friend...because he doesn't have many he can trust due to his life and career. I told him yes I could and we went home. The next day I called him and was talking very cool, like nothing happened and he was still somewhat cold and told me that he will not make any sort of gesture in that way with me again...because it's too "dirty". He bit me there with what I had asked him. I told him that I don't see that as dirty, I wanted to know if he sees it that way. But whenever he would bring it up and I would try to say something about it, he would say, please i don't want to talk about that, it's in the past. He told me that he thought there was enough trust between us that I didn't even need to ask that sort of question. Anyway, he thanked me for waking him up to where he realized that he was living a wrong life and that he needs to take care of his family. I asked him if we would ever speak again and if I could call him and he said he would prefer not. So I didn't, we didn't end it on bad terms or with hurtfull words, he told me if I ever need anything that he will always be there. Two days later I called him, just to see if he would answer my call or reject it, now I know we have ALL done that,....well to my surprise he answered it. I didn't have anything to say really because I thought that he wouldn't answer it. I asked him if I was bothering him and he sighed and was hesitant to answer and said you don't bother me i just wish not to ignite anything with you again. He told me that when he cares for someone he learns to let them go, I asked what if I don't want to be let go and he told me to leave it up to God. I told him that I did leave it up to God and I called and you picked it up, he said he is sorry he did. He didn't say it in a rude way, but more of a saddness. He told me that he doesn't want to lead me on, that he cannot provide me with anything, because he had told me that he will not leave his wife because he has 2 small kids. I have never asked him or even hinted it and never would I. I just knew that I was his comfort and that was more important to me knowing that I can give him that and receive it in return. Anyway, he said that he wanted me to hate him, because he had said in the past that it is easier for him to know that people don't like him, rather than they still care and he cannot be there with them...I don't know if anyone would understand that but I do...anyway. I told him that I don't hate him and that I will always care for him, if ever he feels sad to remember me and know that I am here caring for him. He said thank you and we hung up. That was our last conversation....IN BRIEF! LOL So now, here I am sad and lonely because I lost my friend. I was thinking, no no no, I want him back, how can I not feel his kiss, how can I not feel his touch...but as the days are going by, yes it is getting easier, however I have come to the realization, that we were more friends than anything else...and before anything else we were friends. I want my friend back. I don't want him back as my lover, HONESTLY! He is more important to me as a person than to have any momentary satisfaction and never see him again. I have read so many posts here that there is no way to be friends after something like this. But I would like to try. And I know that it is too soon now to even contact him with that. I don't want to seem like I'm just coming up with an excuse to just talk to him. I would love to be able to call him up every few months and see how he is, call him on his birthday and christmas and new years. I don't even want to see him, because I know that would be dangerous...even he said seeing eachother isn't safe. I just want my friend back. Please if anybody is still reading this, I'm so sorry it is so long, but especially any men...would you please explain to me what this whole "dirty" thing might mean to a guy. I know that he has more respect for me and doesn't see me in a cheap way, because we didn't continue and that does mean and prove alot to me....if anything, it did give me validation, but i didn't want to lose my friend. I want to call him, and be very clear to him that I am not looking for anything from him, other than wanting to know that he is okay and doing well. I will be posting more....trust me I will...but for now ( and I think i'ts enough) this is all I can do. Thank you to anyone who would be willing to help out and may God bring more patience into our hearts for finding ourselves into these situations voluntarily.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 9:59am
It seems a little odd to me that one comment would "wake him up" and turn him around. It sounds like he was thinking about it for a while. I know it's really hard when you not only lose someone you love, but when that someone is also a close friend it's gut wrenching to lose them. I wonder if his wife found out and why no contact at all is necessary? I still haven't figured that one out. :-)

Instead of calling him, would you consider writing him an email or a letter explaining your feelings? Unfortunately it's harder to get things out over the phone when you are caught up in the conversation and then of course there's always a chance that the other person can hang up. LOL Try writing him a letter, that way he can take his time reading it and you can say everything you want to say. That way you'll know you did everything you could to salvage a friendship and it will be up to him as to whether or not he would like to continue to be friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 11:35am
<<<<>>

You had every right to ask him this question. You were on the brink of taking this relationship to another level and you needed validation that you meant something to him. IMO, I think his hearing you ask him that, snapped him out of "urgency" mode of his manly needs, forcing him to re-think his motives. He has enough respect for you that it jarred him out of "la-la" land, and back to reality. This COULD be a plus to his character, but what he is doing otherwise (betraying his family) are all negatives. His wanting to end it are his "guilt" buttons being pushed. Better it happens now, than letting it get any more complicated. I totally know the pain that ensues, once you take an emotional affair/friendship to a sexual level.

Give him some space. If the friendship is important to him, he will make contact. I know it is going to be difficult to do this, but it is the only way you will know for sure that he wants it. Yes, I believe you can remain friends...I have done it with my xMM for many months now, although in the beginning it was very difficult to keep the friendship as #1 desire. Our original foundation of a strong friendship was bonding enough to see us past the destruction we were causing to our souls, not to mention what disasters could have occurred if there had been discovery. We were lucky that never happened.

Good luck sweetie, and remember it is always darkest before the dawn.

Fair