My story, like so many others

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
My story, like so many others
6
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 10:01pm

Clarity, thank you for the suggestion that I post my story here. I am married with great kids. Husband is very opposite of me in many ways and we have grown In different ways. He is un-affectionate and demanding. BUT he says he loves me and would never stray. He is a good father and in some ways a good husband.  As for  me, I fell for someone else and we had a relationship that lasted 2 years. But we have known each other for 15 years thru our profession. He is older than me and very  successful. He said i was perfect for him and the one he had always waited fior. We had a fun, funny and sexy relationship. He showered me with love, beautiful words, letters and texts, lovely gifts, and was my sweetest friend and lover. Until the W somehow found out. and then i was dropped like a rock. No calls, emails or texts since that day he told me she knew. It has now been a couple of months since that DDay. I never heard from him since. At first I was hopeful that I would hear but when it  never came I sank into a deep depression. Never been depressed before so I did not know how it would feel. I do now. But I am getting better at least some days.  I still think of him so many  times each day. At least I am not crying all day long though. I wish he was not burned into my psyche. And it just astounds me that after all we meant to each other he could  just walk away without closure. Like I never existed. I can 't stop thinking about that.   I hope that some day I can get through a day, and then a week, without giving him a second thought.  Will I ever get there?  --True

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 12:47am

Thanks for sharing your story, True.

I'm glad to hear that you feel you are getting better...even if is at least some days. Believe me, they will begin to add up over time.  And with more distance out and some introspection, you'll get to a place of peace.

It's a hard thing to deal with when we are dropped like a hot potato, but that's what happens more often than not as a result of a discovery day...it tends to snap us back to reality.  And the reality is is that both of you are married and so already committed elsewhere.  And while the affair may have seemed beautiful and full of love, it was inappropriate and steeped in deceipt and betrayal.  We betray our husbands, our children, ourselves.  And so we really don't want to get wrapped up in romanticing the affair...nothing romantic about it really...just two people behaving extremely badly and running roughshod over those we profess to love.  And I don't mean to hurt your feelings by saying this...it's just important to keep it real.  

It's not that you didn't exist, it's probably more that it was just suppose to be fun on side, but you both got caught up in the fantasy fueled by chemicals making it more than it was...an affair...and being discovered will burst that fantasy bubble...and it's back to reality.

What's most important for your recovery is to start focusing on you.  Because this is all about you.  There are many questions we must ask ourselves and it takes a real willingness to be honest with ourselves.  They are hard questions.  For example, why was I unable to stay true to my vows?  Why did I jeopardize the love and lives of my husband and children?

Have you considered going for individual counseling? Sitting with a professional will afford you the opportunity to dig deep...into your core issues that go beyond our scope of support.  I really recommend it.

Hopefully, you've been reading in our Healing Library.  It is chock full of the ways and means along with insightful threads from those who have gone before you...to help you along your journey of self-discovery and healing.

It's all about you now, True.  What's he's doing...what he's thinking do not matter.  You can take this personal crisis and make it into an opportunity to learn about yourself and grow.  

Please keep posting in for support and to support others.  I'm sorry the Board is so slow, but I'm sure others will post in with their support when they can get here. 

I'm heading off to bed myself, but I'm usually always around :)

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 7:28am

Hi True and welcome to EAS!

Sorry you are having a rough time. Will you ever get there? Oh yes you will, As long as you want to. You have to seize unto that want and hold unto it tight. It can be a slippery little thing in these early days but it is what will keep you focused and steadfast in keeping NC. I know how much it must hurt to think that you havn't had closure, but really hun the only person you need to give you closure is you. He has made his choice and is staying with his wife. It doesnt mean the two of you didnt exist, that you dont exist. It just is what it is and what it it is now is over. I not saying this to hurt you, True, but to focus on not having a closure will keep you too close to the edge of falling back in again. What if he was to contact you, what do you need to hear him say in order for you to have closure? Sometimes silence can say more than a million words and sometimes silence can say everything that needs to be said. Its ok to think of him and miss him, eventually too this won't hurt as much as it does. You are doing really well not contacting him, stay strong and steadfast to NC and I promise you it will get easier. Wishing you strength and determination on your journey

(((Hugs)))

Sunny Soon Xxx 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 9:49am
Thanks for the good insight! I agree with what you both have said. I think a lot about how dumb it was to take such a risk. How selfish it was of us to think no one would get hurt. I would never do that again. I wish I could warn everyone who is thinking about it to stop immediately. To recognize that the "good" is fleeting and the bad is bad, almost worse than you can bear. So why did I do such a stupid thing? I think if I really look inside it was a combination of things. Low self esteem and felt neglected at home. Not an excuse. But I think I was trying to escape. Course he was someone I had always thought was amazing, interesting, and on and on. Would having had closure help me? I don't know. Probably not but it made me feel bad and as if I had no power. Now, several weeks out, I like to feel that NC on my end gives me some power back. Like I am in control of the situation. I can't wait until I get to the place where this is but a faded memory! I feel extremely fortunate that I have a second chance to be a much better wife to my husband tho, and that is much improved. Thank u for the support and good advice! It helps to have wisdom from those who have walked or are walking this path.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 10:25am

Good morning, True :)

I'm so happy to see that you are open to us and the truth, because we really do have your...along with your loved ones...best interest at heart.

It's not easy to knock ourselves off that pedestal of perfection and hold ourselves accountable for our actions.  We can produce a justification list a mile long of why we felt entitled to engage in an affair, but it does us no good really as it tends to keep us in victim mode, which impedes our ability to learn and grow and move forward.

Please keep in mind that this is a journey, and it is not a sprint.  We all understand how we wish we could just wave a magic wand to make it/the pain just all go away.  But, we wouldn't learn from it.  There is a lesson(s) to be learned...and the lesson is different for all of us.  Seek out your lesson(s) to insure that you never go down such a destructive path again.

I can tell that you *are* a true survivor...and with your ability to be open and honest, you will make it through this and will be a better person as a result.

major (((hug)))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 10:53am

Closure is such a elusive thing, and quite possibly doesn't exist.

What could he possibly say that would make you feel better, that wouldn't be a lie.

He is a martyr and that he is going to live the rest of his life in the bondage of an unhappy marriage so that he doesn't hurt the kids? Any excuse he could give is the same. The real reason is always the same. It's the best for him. Thats what it always comes down to.  What ever it is, or the reason is, is because he is putting it before you.

Putting a spin on it and flowery perfume doesn't make it smell any better or any different. It is what it is.

Taking charge of your life is the way out of this. 

Time will help you heal.

You will have to be proactive in your own healing, without him.

The longer you hold onto fantasies the longer the healing process.

I'm pulling for you.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2012
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 7:51pm

Hi, True~

Like you, I was on the other side of NC.  Your story resonates so much with mine.  Thanks for putting your heart out here to share.  I'm about 3 months NC from xap.   I think I hit my rock bottom, but I'm slowly... and I mean slowly starting to feel some semblance of equilibrium.  Some days are better than others.  You can do this!   I'm no where near the length of time some of the vets have been NC, but I do feel hope, and I do know some really hard work is still forthcoming.  

I've sent you a PM~

Let's keep in touch!

Sandy