My story...(LONG)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
My story...(LONG)
6
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 12:47pm
Hi all, I had recently posted on the my affair board but after looking at this one I realized I was in the wrong place!

My story is sooo long but I will try to keep it simple so it makes sense. I've been married 13 years next month, I married at 19, now I wish I had waited lol. I have 10 and 4 year old daughters and a husband who truly loves me. My husband, I swear is perfect...now.

It wasn't always like that though, and it took my having an affair and wanting to leave to really wake him up. He never gave me much to complain about, but now he makes sure he tells me how he feels, that he loves me more than anything, and I know he is always there for me when I need him now.

The MM I became involved with spent half the day of his second anniversary with me, has been with his wife a total of 8 years, they have an 18 month old son.

We were friends for about a year and a half before the A, but it wasn't right away that I became really attracted to him, I think it was more when I started thinking, "hey I think he likes me more than friends". One night after a party at his house that I had had a little to much to drink, he offered to drive me home, (I only live 3 blocks away)after he dropped me off in my car and got out we chatted I gave him a hug and a kiss and said I had always wanted to do that and then felt like an idiot and apologized and it was left at that.

2 days later I get an e-mail from him saying he was looking forward to continuing our conversation, sure enough on his way home from work the next day he was at my door, and almost everyday after.

We talked about our marriages immediately, how we were unhappy, and everything was identical in our homes, his W treated him like H treated me, so we consoled each other many ways lol. We never did anything at my home-my youngest was home with me and I work part time, but we made sure we spent the days talking and made plans after a couple weeks to get together and by this time I had fallen big time and this is when he told me he felt the same, oh yes he said he loved me...the three words. We spent ALOT of time together just talking, and e-mailing and phoning, he even came to work with me.

Shortly afterwards his wife went away with their son to visit relatives for 2 WEEKS...can you imagine what went on !!! He told her before she left he was unhappy, he even went to counseling while she was gone to help him decide if leaving was what was right for him, that was his intentions.

While she was gone he came to me and told me he wanted out of the marriage, he wanted to be with me but he would understand if I could not do that at the moment and he would wait for me, and even if I did not he could live with that but he still wanted a relationship.

I was sooooooo happy, we both agreed to take it easy over the summer and let my girls get to know him first, he has a job that allows him to be free early in the days and our spouses, we figured wouldn't think anything of it since we were friends and live so close, who on earth would think anything , right?

Well, right before she was to come back, someone phoned my H anonomously and let him know where I was and what I was doing. H confronted me and I to my relief confessed, MM then in turn picked up the phone, called W, told her everything,that he wanted to be with me, loved me etc. She got on the first flight home, it took her approx. 4 days to convince him to stay after he had already asked me to start looking for a place for the both of us, and my girls.

Before his W left on vacation, they had discussed their situation, she did not know about me obviously, but told him that if he ever wanted out, she would never take their son and move back home, well that all changed after she found out, he told me he had to do right by his son, he did not want to lose him, and yes he was not happy, but he owed it to her to try.

Stupid me, I stood there in shock, never even cried a tear while he balled his eyes out.

Well, that was 9 months ago, and I have seen him to say hello, not much else. Now you who are reading this must know it is bothering me!!! I stayed in my marriage, I admit it, I am afraid to leave too. I don't think I can make it on my own, My girls have never had a Mom who works full time, never had daycare and I am afraid to try life on my own even though I want to.

Like I said before, my husband forgave me, loves me, but it just isn't there anymore, hasn't been for a looong time. And I want it to be, I wish it could be, we've done the therapy thing and I just feel like I'm faking the whole thing. I love my H like the best friend I ever had, I've been told it will come back, we'll be stronger than before....when?

I still love my MM, he never ended it badly, he told me he respected me, he said all the feelings for me he has had to bury away, I wonder if he can keep his unhappiness buried too like me? I hate him too, I hate him for hurting me, I'm sure his W feels the same.

I've had to control the urge to pick up the phone and call him, I wonder sometimes if he is still thinking of me, I have no one else other than the therapist to talk to about this, MM and his W are friends with my best friend, so that is a no no...why his W wants relationship with her I'll never understand, she could never be bothered with her too much before all this.

Has anyone ever felt like I do, did you get the strength to leave? To stay? Which worked the best for everyone concerned? I am told it's my kids that will suffer, I know my H will suffer BIG time, but I am suffering now. Sorry this is sooo long but it's only a chapter, thanks in advance for advice given...off to work!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 7:07am
Reading your post was almost like reading my own life!!! I too married young. We have been together 10, married 7 and have a 2 year old daughter. I gave up my career to stay home with my daughter. I am financially not in a position to leave my H and I think if I left I would sincerely miss him because he is like a brother to me. Not to mention that my biggest fear is being alone. He knows of my A. He was not upset about it at all. My OM on the other hand didn't understand my hesitation on leaving and he never really opened up to me in order to keep from getting hurt. I can not imagine living my life like this forever now that I know that there is so much more to a relationship, but the time is not right for me to go...I'm just not to the point yet. I really don't have advice for you but I wanted you to know that you are not alone in what you are going through!!!

Take care,

Karry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 11:25pm
Thank you to all that took the time to reply, yep I've thought alot about my life over the past 9 months, and like I said I am scared...especially of being alone.

Hell I was a baby getting married and my H is a professional at being in charge, and I let him do it all and let myself get lazy. He runs our business, he takes care of the bills, he takes care of me....period.

I work part-time so I have cash of my own, and haven't been employed full-time since #1 was born.

When this all came out I was out looking for apartments, and he was being very generous with what he was going to give to the girls and I for support, it had gone as far as the lawyers drawing up papers...I chickened out. I was a mess, looking at places to live that I could afford were alot less than what I am accustomed to. So I changed my mind and had him try and see we had alot still and we could work it out.

This is where the guilt comes in, I was the one who insisted we stay together, so how can I turn around after fooling him and myself after all these months and drop the bomb?

I already have a full time job waiting for me in Sept. of this year when my youngest starts school, so I do have more income there, but I know this time he won't be so accomodating, he will flip.

I'll be honest and say that back then I figured if I had the courage to leave my MM would see that and take follow...who knows? Maybe he would have, maybe not. I decided I had to do what is right for my kids and gave my MM credit and I actually thought what a good man he was for sacrificing happiness for his son and his W, and that I could do the same...well it ain't working for me.

I've already in the back of my mind planned out that I have to take the full-time job and start socking away my money, I need to be prepared. One of the reasons I am still with my H is that we bought a new house right after we reconcilled, and it isn't ready till mid May, so I am kind of stuck. You can't divide what isn't there yet lol.

Well, I think I am pretty sure what it is I want, it's just getting there, yes and it takes time. One day at a time...thanks for all your kind words :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 9:23pm
I read your post after I updated my profile for this board. I suggest you give it a read, particularly the topic labeled "biggest mistake I ever made and what I learned from it"

I wish there was a way to link my reply to the other 2 ladies who have also responded to you. I'd like to tell all 3 of you that living in fear is an awful place to be. And TOTALLY unnecessary.

Work on yourselves for yourselves. Being in relationships is a choice, not a life sentence. Even a marriage. Libra, you married very young. And through the years you've changed. You'll continue to do so. Is your H willing to change with you? DO you two talk? I'm a young 48 now and I can assure you that I've evolved significantly from my 20's and 30's. So will you. Embrace the changes you're going through and don't settle for a half-hearted life.

If counseling isn't working for you and your H, perhaps a period of separation is in order. Have you taken any college courses? What do you do for yourself? How do you charge your battery? THe marriage and kids aren't all there is to you. What are your outside interests? DO you and H take time for yoursleves away for a day or two just on your own? Have you ever done that? Try it sometime. Just you. No date. No MM/SM/OM. You.

Or how about an overnight with a close friend. Just the two of you. Call it a personal time. THat's what it is. Most large employers these days give employees a day or too labeled "personal days". So can a marriage.

I suggest these items as a way of giving yourself an opportunity to reflect on the life you now have. Without having to be mommy/wife 24/7. Some space for you to think and reflect might just what you need to gain perspective on where you go from here.

Your choices range from staying married to being single or somewhere inbetween.

What's your choice?


jmho,

cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 7:39pm
Libragirl... I am so so sorry for all you have gone through, and continue to go through. It sounds incredibly painful, especially that you both love each other and thought you were going to try to have a future together.

I don't have much advice. I don't know if I'm still with my H out of love or fear or duty or a combination of all of them... My H is also my best friend, but I don't know if that will ever be enough either - he is not meeting my need for a real connection, and if I can't get emotional and physical needs met here, then why am I here?

My XMM didn't want me to leave my H, nor did he want to leave his W. He didn't love me, and I told him I wouldn't fall for him - but I was naive and I did anyway. And now that hurts a lot too.

I am trying to build a life for myself, independent of my marriage. So that if I stay, maybe I won't need H to meet my needs as much as I do now. Maybe if I have happiness in my life that is not related to and dependent upon my marriage, that will make it easier to stay even if things aren't perfect at home. And if I go, I won't be as terrified because I will have something of my own to take with me. I too have young kids who love their father dearly - he is a good father and a good man... and they would be scarred badly if I left this marriage - something that I do strongly consider. And I don't want to hurt my H... Mostly - until I am absolutely 110% sure that I can not make this work and that I can never be happy married to my H, I won't make a move... I don't want to jump out of the frying pan into the fire, you know?

Hugs...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 5:13pm
Hi Libragirl70, I am sorry for your pain, we all here can relate and feel for you. I am single myself so I did not have to go through the struggle of working through a relationship with someone after the "A". I too am hurt though and feel a bit used and lied to. Your husband sounds like he truly loves you and will always be there for you. You were married very young though and still are young so if you are truly unhappy in your marriage you may want to think about going your seperate ways for a while and seeing how you feel (I would continue counseling with him though). Some time apart may let you heal and think about what you want from your marriage. Maybe he is the one for you and you just lost your way. It is not fair to him though if you stay with him unhappily as he deserves someone who loves him just as much as you do.

Take Care of yourself. One day at a time :)

Lyssa
Avatar for raspberrykat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 1:44pm
WOW girl ..... I don't know what to tell you .... Kind of in the same boat, except my OM was single but is now in another relationship. I have the same feelings about my H as you do yours .... just friends .... and we did therapy and I am afraid to leave!!! Oh, and of course, very very hurt .....

I can't be of any help to you, but know that another person is struggling with the same issues as you are. Know that we will get through this, it just takes that old enemy - TIME.